First and foremost s/o to Tatiana and dontdate-her.com. I appreciate the opportunity to be a part of 21 Days of May.
Being a black woman in America in many instances, represents being under-valued, under-respected and under-appreciated. Black women hold a very unique place in society, one that is marred with inequality. There is no doubt a tremendous pressure placed upon black men, but the one advantage they have over black women is being male. Black women are typically subjected to an even more harsh reality when it comes to treatment in America.
By simply looking at the disparity in pay between black women and their counterparts, it is apparent that even in instances of doing the exact same job we are paid less. The everyday increasing numbers of missing black girls being exploited through sex traffiking rings further highlights just how “unimportant” America deems black women.
America doesn’t have love for the black woman. But what is more disheartening is the maligned treatment of black women from BLACK MEN. Black women are subjected routinely to utter disrespect by many of the same men we look to for protection and strength. Yet somehow, many (NOT ALL) have embraced the ridiculous notion that black women unlike white women are not deserving of love, companionship, respect and being made wives not baby momma’s.
Overall, my stance is that black women in America deal with more negativity and mis-treatment than any other group of people. However, I am not an individual who only seeks to focus on the problem rather than look to a solution. I believe when black women genuinely unify and create a support system within, only then will we attain the equal treatment we aspire to have!
“My name is Sasha Whitney, aka SashaSpins, and I’ve existed proudly and wonderfully as a Black woman in America for a little over three decades. There exist some universal experiences as a woman of color regardless of your upbringing, background, socioeconomic status, education level, who you date, how you date, and profession. I’m going to talk about my experience from the perspective of my profession as a fitness instructor and as a part of the wellness community.
I’m based in the DMV and while DC for years has affectionately been referred to as “Chocolate City”, due to gentrification and many other factors, if you look at some spaces in the DC area, you would say “Chocolate where?” Especially in fitness classes and in wellness spaces.
Wanting to get serious about my fitness, around 2012 I started as a consumer – yoga classes, boot camp classes, HIIT workouts, kickboxing, barre, cycling classes here and there – before leaping in, getting certified, and becoming an instructor in 2015. One common thread is that I was often one of two, maybe three, if not the only person of color, in the classes. Rarely did I see a Black instructor and if I did, they were generally Black male instructors. When I would go to meditation or breathwork classes, I would notice the same thing. What could be behind this? Surely it was not for a lack of talent; there are so many amazing women instructors of color. Could it possibly have been money? Boutique fitness classes are not cheap. Some classes ranging from $28 to $32 a pop but this is an area of successful, upwardly mobile, and educated black Americans so it couldn’t be money. What was it? I would soon find out when I got into the industry.
When you think of “fitness”, there is a certain look I’m sure that immediately pops into mind – tall, skinny, blonde. White. Not what I look like at all. That is no mistake; it is by design. A lot of fitness classes and places want to sell you an image, something “aspirational”. Given the beauty standards this country puts on a pedestal, it should then come as no surprise that even though Black trainers contribute and give so much to this industry, what we look like, particularly Black women, is not considered aspirational or desired and our image is not something that is pushed at all. Save for Black History Month when some companies and brands want to play pretend at diversity and feature some melanin. Then come March 1, it is back to business as usual.
The lack of representation in this industry can be frustrating and very discouraging at times. It’s something I would talk about among friends and other Black instructors but I decided to use my platform to change that and start a conversation. It’s not and wasn’t enough for me to just talk about it with my friends, I had to use tools I’d been given to bring awareness and others have been talking to. Rightfully calling out this purposeful and willful discrimination in branding and messaging. And what the industry looks like is slowly starting to change.
Over the years, I’ve started to see more and more Black instructors in all spaces and also I’ve started to see more Black women as consumers. Gone are the days of that old, tired, and insulting trope that Black women don’t like to exercise because of our hair. I teach my classes and work up a sweat regardless of what my hair looks like - natural, braids, extensions, whatever! I see so many Black women in the class and what they share with me always makes my heart sing. I will never forget the day a Howard student came up to me after class and said, “I’ve been taking classes here for months but your classes are my favorite because I see someone that looks like me. I hear music I like, I can dance to, I can bop to, I can twerk to, I can relate to, Afrobeats, just good music and not all of that mainstream pop stuff! I always feel seen.” It remains to this day one of the most touching things anyone has ever said to me as an instructor.
Even in the wellness space, I don’t know yet if I would feel comfortable calling it an “industry”, I am so happy and heartened to see more Black women as facilitators and leaders. I will never forget the most powerful meditation and yoga class I ever attended. It was led by Sihnuu Hetep and Solé (y’all may remember her as a recording artist and Ginuwine’s ex-wife). It was such a deep experience, made even more profound by the fact that I had never seen two women of color in a space of wellness who radiated so much divine energy.
There is SO much power in representation. It is so impactful to see someone that looks like you kicking ass and being their unapologetic unabashed self despite whatever destructive, prejudiced, harmful, and damaging narrative the media. I encourage all Black women in the fitness space to use their power to create a place where all feel welcome and most important of all – seen.”
How Writing Taught Me Self-Love (Self Love Part 2)
We follow all of the dating and relationship experts online, buy all of their books, pull up to every relationship goals sermon, search for Ciara’s prayer, and still find ourselves at yet another “what do men what” dating panel with single playboy men sitting on the pedestal. We’re trying to figure out this love thing when the answer was always us.
It’s trusting in yourself, believing in yourself, and forgiving yourself. It’s self-love. You are the answer.
Now I’m not saying “You have to love yourself first” or “If you don’t love yourself no one else will.” That’s not true. You are still worthy of love. But when you work on loving yourself more every day, you choose the right people to influence your well-being and you pick up what they’re putting down.
When I didn’t love myself, I allowed social media, family and friends, and fuck-boys to tell me what love is. I settled for disrespect and toxic behavior, ignored red flags and repeatedly chose the same fuck-boy in a different body. I stayed in one-sided and abusive relationships, even friendships, back to back.
After years of repeating the same cycles, I was a real sad girl tired. So I finally made myself a priority and I would write to heal every day.
When my heart was broken, I would write:
"It's okay to experience grief for something you thought would last forever"
And it taught me self-acceptance and how to heal.
When I didn’t understand or feel like myself, I would write more:
"And maybe the heaviness in your chest, the sharp pain in your heart isn't saying, FIX ME! FIX ME!
It's saying, be still and hold me.
Face me. Listen to me.
Heal me and be open and honest with everything that you are feeling".
And it taught me to forgive and have compassion for myself and others.
When I was hurt and misunderstood, I would write:
"You are not weak for leaving someone who abuses and mistreats you".
And it taught me to trust my intuition and respect my own feelings more than I respect people’s opinions on my life.
Writing helped me to see myself more clearly. It was therapy for my heartaches, anxiety and self-doubt. I faced my demons and transformed my mind every time I wrote. And I didn’t have to write poetry, a novel or a blog. I would just write what I’m feeling, questioning or reflecting on. It didn’t matter because it was all about me. Writing was my spiritual journey and I was the creator.
-Crystal D. Writes
Hey Tati and Viewers!
When Tati asked me to write something for “21 Days of May” I was excited and gracious that she wanted me to be a part of such an amazing project. I didn't know what to write but I knew it had to be something based on love. I always tell Tati to never give up on finding love despite the obstacles you may go through. So I wanted to leave you all with my favorite scripture on love. It comes from Corinthians 13:4. I hope you all enjoy it! Peace, Love, and more blessings to you!
Love is...
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
-Anonymous Sender
When Tati asked me to write something for “21 Days of May” I was excited and gracious that she wanted me to be a part of such an amazing project. I didn't know what to write but I knew it had to be something based on love. I always tell Tati to never give up on finding love despite the obstacles you may go through. So I wanted to leave you all with my favorite scripture on love. It comes from Corinthians 13:4. I hope you all enjoy it! Peace, Love, and more blessings to you!
Love is...
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
-Anonymous Sender
Dating for life
Ever since I can remember I imagined love to be everlasting, passionate, and quite frankly a fairytale. My experiences have been far from any of those things. It has taken me five relationships since the age of sixteen to understand that love is a battlefield and almost always no way out victorious. I’ve experienced tremendous heartbreak and quickly fell into depression. It wasn’t until my 29th birthday, that I saw even a sign of what that should truly be and it’s because I decided to love my damn self more than I could ever love anyone else. Yes, that sounds absurd that I didn’t know to do that before. Growing up I didn’t have the love from my parents showing me what to look forward to, who to look for, or even who to accept love from. One relationship to the next was unequivocally the most heartbreak I could see myself experiencing. I don’t talk about it much but with a few posts and quotes to get me through the day. Before going to bed at night crying out to God to send me someone who loves the way I love and feels the way I feel. It takes a huge amount of strength to get over heartbreak and I cannot say I am completely over it but I can say that after realizing that love may just take time to find me with another person that I still dream of that fairytale even whilst wiping the stream of tears from my eyes every night. There’s hope I just have to recognize my own faults and leave my heart open for the right person.
-Anonymous Sender
Okay so BOOM! I was in an Uber right? SN: I always sit right behind the driver in case I gotta get crazy 🤷🏿♀️. Anyway, the driver was an older Black male definitely in his early 40s. Now mind you, normally I like to ride in silence but on this day I was fine with holding a conversation.
So you know if you're a young, attractive Black woman of course a mofo got questions to ask. After talking about my accomplishments and hopes and dreams, do you know what he fixed his mouth to ask me?
ArE yOu mARrIeD?
WHY DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?
I'm irritated because this happens A LOT. I can be out working an event and random men (mainly in their 40s) would ask me about my work before asking if I'm married. Some people may take this as me being an angry Black woman but let me break it down for you.
In most cases while growing up, young Black girls are demonized for even breathing around boys they're not kin to. But, as soon as we hit our 20s, we're expected to magically appear with a husband and kids.
I don't ever recall anyone asking the young men in the family about their plans to settle down. Let alone anything about marriage or kids. But I've seen older women look down on young women (in their mid 20s to mid 30s) who are solely focusing on themselves.I guess we were just placed here to cater to other people and not enjoy our lives..
Have you ever heard someone taunt a woman with "That's why you can't keep a man" or "No man wants a woman who..." Yet when a man is troubled, "Oh he just needs a good woman to settle down with."
I remember when the family of a former friend tried to hook me up with her alcoholic older brother who was at least 10 years older than me. I was only 18 at the time. Sheitttttt I'd rather be single for a lifetime! Long story short, the mother got upset when I declined and she tried to call me a lesbian. Sis was pressed. I REFUSE to be anybody's rehabilitation center. It's sad that Black women are expected to save the world. But who's there for us?
Black women are not allotted the time to find themselves or focus on themselves. There are way too many situations involving a woman getting chastised for not wanting kids and/or marriage. Why?
It's so many things I can say but I'm going to leave it at that.
All in all, I just find it frustrating how our success is only valued when we're involved with a man romantically. Mind you, I DO want marriage and kids. I just don't want all of my accomplishments to be undervalued all because I dont have the two right now. Until then and even AFTER then, I'll STILL be worthy.
This is what Black women go through..
Candace "CanCan" Breedlove
“No point in crying over spoiled milk. Go to the store and buy more.”
–Says the woman who I admire (Written July 2, 2015)
I admire how all my directors and managers are invested in my career. Had a wonderful dinner talk with my VP the other night. She put a lot of things in perspective for me. As a young black independent woman, I tend to push myself more than others. What I fail to realize is some goals are meant to come in stages and might take more time than I think. Me moving to a different state at a young age has taught me a lot about the type of person I am and the type of person I want to be. Moreover it has taught me to value my life more. I often blog about me trying to juggle relationships, career, love, and my passion all at once but reality is we as humans can’t do this all at once. It's similar to having all four-stove burners on high; eventually something is going to burn out. So instead it might be useful to have some burners on low and the others on high. It’s all about what is important to you in life now. I saw “My weed man” over the weekend. It was fire and desire until the condom broke. I just got out of a situation and don’t need to go into another one. Our plan was to go get checked out together but that didn’t happen. No phone call or text. So I went by myself and found out that everything is okay. I don’t have anything to worry about. One thing I didn’t appreciate from “My weed man” is how he overreacted to the whole situation. I don’t need that in my life. I don’t need another man coming trying to make me feel a certain way about myself. I am comfortable and content with my life right now. Right now I need my career and passion life on high and my love life on low. One thing my VP explained to me about life is when you stop looking for it; it comes to you naturally. As bad as I want to move up in my company right now I can't. All I can do is take feedback and use it to my advantage. Right now I can’t have a love life because I’m too busy focusing on my career and passion. One day it will make sense and all this effort will pay off. Just hoping that one is soon. Until then, I will still be the single independent black woman moving ahead in life.
But you don’t know my real tears, you could care less about what’s in my eyes
If you truly took a look in my soul, that’s only when you would realize
I’m the man in the iron mask, I can only see the sky
Lately only way to cope is too pop open the capsule just to get by
They smiling in my face, passing me day by day
I’m locked up in a maze, I don’t see real or fake
all I see is change
all I can do is worry
Just 2 years ago I swear I knew my whole story
Now everyday I look around for someone to support me
I’ve been filling my time up with myths but now the myths bore me
And he broke me, and he broke me
I will never be the same
Most days I wake up in pain, if you knew the thoughts in my head you would remove my brain
But I digress, everyone I thought I knew turned they back
So many stories around, there is no truth, never any real facts
Everyday I aim for greatness but I always get pushed back
And further, but they wanna see me fail
It’s gotten to the point where I’m questioning if I’ll be sent to heaven or if I’ll follow them to hell
All I ever wanted was respect, but I don’t get that
Made a lot of mistakes as a kid, I’ll admit that
My daughter or son would’ve been 4 this year can you believe that?! God can only judge me, and he forgave me for that
God I know there’s a sign in this time, and it’s your will and way
each time I get like this now I know I should pray but I shut down
Wake up every day wonder what will it be now
So I sit back, I lay in my corner and linger in my dark place before I sleep now
Miriah Mark
Where do I start? Life has taken me on so many journeys. When I found out I was pregnant at 17, I knew I had to become a woman instantly. Having my daughter young quickly taught me that it wasn’t about me anymore. It was about this little human that I brought into the world and that all the decisions I make will affect her. That I had to lead by example because I wanted her to know that you can overcome every obstacle. So I started setting goals for myself around 18-19. Every goal I set, I failed countless times. Got back up. Crushed them. Year after year. From graduating College with high honors, to being the first African American female in a corporate setting with my company at the time. I worked endlessly. I never stopped. I just wanted to set the example for my daughter. I wanted to prove to everybody that doubted and judged me for getting pregnant at 17, wrong. And I did. While dealing with the hardships of being a Mom, working full-time, and being a full time student, I also experienced a few serious relationships throughout the years. When I look back on it now, I realized my ex was growing and learning to become a good man which included some growing pains. It wasn’t his fault. He just didn’t know what to do because he had never experienced what he was experiencing with me. And neither had I. To be honest with you, it was the best experience I’ve had in my adult life. There was no infidelity, no drama, in fact, it was the most peaceful relationship I’ve ever had. Our issues came from poor communication or lack thereof and lack of affection which to me was and still is very important. So I gave and gave til I couldn’t anymore. I was losing myself and didn’t like who I was because of my frustrations with him and after 8 years of him still not seeing that I wanted to be his wife. That was my first experience of putting myself first. I certainly had my flaws within that relationship as well. We as women give and give and give because we want a man to make us his wife. Surrender to him. His needs, his wants. And sometimes we do this and we lose ourselves because we are so focused on the man and what he needs that we sometimes forget our purpose. I gave 3 men in my life everything(well at least I thought it was) I could give and it still wasn’t enough... The one thing that I have learned with my experiences is that my purpose never changed. In fact, every break up Reminded me of my purpose. That’s what helped me through my break ups. Everyday I woke up and realized I got shit to do. I gotta feed my daughter. I have to go help this family find a solution to their problem. I found joy in that. That I had a purpose. I encourage all women to find yourself, first. Never lose sight of HER. Focus on you, first, Always. Your goals. Your dreams. Continuously set goals for yourself. Accomplish them. Never become complacent. Ever. Set a good foundation for yourself. And yeah, there may be a few bad one out of the batch before you find HIM and chileeeee I dun had a few! And I encourage a MEN to do the same. Find out who YOU are. Your purpose in life. And one last word of advice, HEAL.
-PYT
Hey Tati and Fans! I hope you don’t mind this but I just needed to get this out…
“Its like this, I want you but our situation and what happened last time makes me not want to trust this again. I don’t know what I want right now with you. All I know is I’m focused on my career more than ever now. I don't want a commitment, I want someone who I can potentially build with. Hopefully one day you would read this and understand my feelings. Sometimes I want to go back to the old me and date and fuck who I wanted when I wanted. But with me being the woman I am now, I can’t. Everything is happening in my life for a good reason. I am happy where I am right now. And with us, I want to take this day by day. Meaning I don't want to put a cap or make up rules surrounding us. If we want to hang out, let's hang out. If we want to have sex then let’s have sex. If we just want to enjoy each other's company and cuddle, then let's do that. You brought anxiety back into me with your random question last night. And I think you wouldn’t have asked me that question if you didn't have doubts in your mind. What is it that you want from me? What is it that you want from us? You say you are not ready for commitment but everything you say you want sounds like a relationship. I know you want me all to yourself but if I can't have you to myself then what are we doing? Part of me wants to take that risk with you. Another part of me wants to leave you alone. I don't know what else to say to what we have going on. Just my thoughts and my feelings to someone. Thank you.
-Anonymous Person
Probably Nothing
By: Dre
Sometimes imagine a world where everyone is proud of who they are. No one has to hide behind the insecurities of society. There’s no societal constructs of money, time or economic status. Everyone is healthy; the universe is happy. My imagination creates a world where No one ever goes without food or shelter. There’s peace about everyone. Jealousy does not exist. Hatred cannot exist. Do you see it?
“The beauty of the struggle is me.” -Dre, The Shooter
After months of couch hopping and trap bopping I was finally approved for a one bedroom (not at all what I was looking for) one-bathroom apartment right in my hood. It still hasn’t fully hit me; my sister and I finally have our own space again. A stable foundation for my beautiful puppy. I have an escape for my selfless boyfriend. I have somewhere to run to, wait, sleep, shower and be totally, absolutely myself in. I now understand what truly matters most. At 24 years old all I have ever wanted is my own everything -to share. My own: house, family, savings and legacy. I yearn the ability to take claim over the courses of my life no matter how uncontrollable they may be.
“Whatever you do just make sure you really wanna do it ‘cause otherwise you’ll complain and have regrets.” -Dre
For as long as I can remember, people have always called me odd for the way I enjoy cupcakes or muffins. I rip the fluffy top off and eat the bottom first; I save the top for last. There’s something about saving the best part for last that makes me enjoy the cupcake or muffin more. That’s how I view life. You have to go through the not so fluffy parts to get to the sweet icing. The key is to still enjoy the not so fluffy aspects. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the experiences.
By: Dre
Sometimes imagine a world where everyone is proud of who they are. No one has to hide behind the insecurities of society. There’s no societal constructs of money, time or economic status. Everyone is healthy; the universe is happy. My imagination creates a world where No one ever goes without food or shelter. There’s peace about everyone. Jealousy does not exist. Hatred cannot exist. Do you see it?
“The beauty of the struggle is me.” -Dre, The Shooter
After months of couch hopping and trap bopping I was finally approved for a one bedroom (not at all what I was looking for) one-bathroom apartment right in my hood. It still hasn’t fully hit me; my sister and I finally have our own space again. A stable foundation for my beautiful puppy. I have an escape for my selfless boyfriend. I have somewhere to run to, wait, sleep, shower and be totally, absolutely myself in. I now understand what truly matters most. At 24 years old all I have ever wanted is my own everything -to share. My own: house, family, savings and legacy. I yearn the ability to take claim over the courses of my life no matter how uncontrollable they may be.
“Whatever you do just make sure you really wanna do it ‘cause otherwise you’ll complain and have regrets.” -Dre
For as long as I can remember, people have always called me odd for the way I enjoy cupcakes or muffins. I rip the fluffy top off and eat the bottom first; I save the top for last. There’s something about saving the best part for last that makes me enjoy the cupcake or muffin more. That’s how I view life. You have to go through the not so fluffy parts to get to the sweet icing. The key is to still enjoy the not so fluffy aspects. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the experiences.
Who is Tatiana?
More than just a blogger is what she calls herself. Tatiana has built a blog based on her life. She touches on juggling love relationships, dating, family, and a successful career. Trying to find the common ground balance of them all, she finds herself in sticky situations every time. Although she is learning to see the brighter side of things and holding herself accountable for her life, Tatiana is hoping her growth in her late 20's will leave a powerful impact among other young women out there.
Tatiana started her blog six years ago blogging as Young Black and Living.com. Blogging about her past relationship with her ex that’s in the entertainment industry and her life choice of moving to New York. When the decision was made for her to move back to Chicago, she sought a new opportunity for her blog. Newly revised as dontdate-her.com, Tatiana’s platform still remains the same but with more downs than ups. Crazy love relationships, trying to get back to the swing of dating in Chicago, and searching for a more comfortable career for herself; is possibly all the reasons why you shouldn’t date a woman like herself. Or should you? Read the blog and be the deciding factor.
More than just a blogger is what she calls herself. Tatiana has built a blog based on her life. She touches on juggling love relationships, dating, family, and a successful career. Trying to find the common ground balance of them all, she finds herself in sticky situations every time. Although she is learning to see the brighter side of things and holding herself accountable for her life, Tatiana is hoping her growth in her late 20's will leave a powerful impact among other young women out there.
Tatiana started her blog six years ago blogging as Young Black and Living.com. Blogging about her past relationship with her ex that’s in the entertainment industry and her life choice of moving to New York. When the decision was made for her to move back to Chicago, she sought a new opportunity for her blog. Newly revised as dontdate-her.com, Tatiana’s platform still remains the same but with more downs than ups. Crazy love relationships, trying to get back to the swing of dating in Chicago, and searching for a more comfortable career for herself; is possibly all the reasons why you shouldn’t date a woman like herself. Or should you? Read the blog and be the deciding factor.
Healing and dating as a black woman go hand in hand in this day in age. Personally, I understand what it’s like to not heal and try taking a stab into the “dating”world. I remember I began dating someone I cared about but I still had baggage and pain from past events that took place in my life.
I would blame the person I was dating for everything, build them up to tear them down - very narcissistic behavior. Until one day the person I was dating set me straight and opened my eyes to my behavior and my past that I carried on my shoulder.
I remember sitting in therapy and airing everything from my childhood to adult life traumas. In those sessions I learned so much about the word “sorry” and owning up to your own faults.
As time progressed, the person who I began dating helped me heal. As a black woman we sometimes feel silenced so to have someone to listen when you feel you’re not being heard helps the healing process.
Healing is healthy and beautiful. It starts with self before anyone else.
-Breneé Marie