4am Thoughts.........

“I was always the daring one. I was that child that had to learn to hard way”….

Its 4am in the morning and instead of me sleeping, I decided to write. Can’t say I’m not thinking about him. Can’t say I’m not missing him. What I can say is I’m more confused than ever about this. Should I contact him or should I leave it alone. Sat in the doctor’s office alone by myself. Took the at home pill alone by myself. Got myself caught up in situation I wish I could take back. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. Maybe those things make us better in the end. I wish I could get on a flight right now and go home for a little while. Right now, I don’t know to feel or what to do. I’m alone. I have over came a lot in the past. Now I have to learn how to over come this situation. As I lay here on the bathroom floor crying and in tears, hating myself for once again putting myself through a situation where I had all the self control but fail to take any. No matter how much I talk to others about what I’m feeling, no one will truly understand. How can I make peace with myself after this? How can I forgive him for this? How can he forgive me? When I cut my hair, I thought I was giving myself a new look. What I didn’t realize is a person can change their looks on the outside but doesn’t do any justice if they can’t change who they are on the inside. So I am at 4am in my emotional hurtful thoughts, thinking how the hell do I get myself out this funk. 7 months in New York, the city of big dreams, the one city I have always dreamed about moving to since the age of 3. I have 5 more months before my contract end. The real question is do I stay or do I go back to Chicago? Its 4am and I should be in bed off some strong medicine. But instead I’m writing this in hopes for some closure. So here is to the still strong independent black woman that is going through this situation alone, but yet still standing.