#10:10

“I Said: Don't embarrass me instead of Be mine. That was my proposal for us to go steady”
-Part of Jay-z Lyrics

It’s like this, I’m an aggressive woman. I want what I want because I was also taught be that person to go after and get it. I’m aggressive with my career, my motivation for myself and even when it comes to love, I’m aggressive. I woke up at 5am crying not due to an anxiety attack but what happened Sunday night. And honestly after that, I really don’t wanna date anymore. What happened Sunday just might be the reason why you shouldn’t date me. This is may be my last blog post for a while. I think it’s time for to do some deep soul searching and focus on myself. But then I really don’t know. I’m just speaking my mind. Hopefully after this post, I can have more of a clearer thought.

It was pose to be a day of fun day drinking that suddenly turned left. I told “This One” in the midst of us having sex that I love him. I said it more than once. I was “Lit” and honestly it slipped out. He stopped. I told him I was sorry but still he put his clothes on and proceeded to leave. I started crying. I started expressing myself. Telling him how I wish I would have kept to myself. How I let go of “DJ” for him. How I let my guard down with him. How no matter how many times I wanted to have sex with someone else, I didn’t; I couldn’t. It sucks. It hurts. Not because he didn’t say he love me back because in all honesty I don’t think I really feel that way. Only because he blocked me afterwards and didn’t say anything before leaving or while I was crying. He just left. I was in the moment and I was drunk. But you know what people even when we were in the car, I said somethings I shouldn’t have. I brought up situations with girls on social media. I constantly asked him about the chick in Belize. I told him sometimes I don’t know how to feel about us. I confused him, and I know I did. And in the end, we never really talked about having a serious relationship. I was aggressive. I liked what we had and wanted more and pushed for it.

I woke up at 3am still crying. I called him but it was too late. He blocked me on everything. So all communication is officially cut off. It sucks because I left my jacket and a pair of heels in his car. I want to say fuck them both and just buy something new. He told my cousin he will drop it off to me, but I’m unsure if I’m ready to see him yet. A part of me wants to hold on and well that aggressive side of me is telling me not to. To only Wipe my tears away and move on. But damn people, I’m tired of saying that. It’s funny because before I left out the house last Friday, I prayed about us. I asked for a sign for “This One” and myself. To either show he is the one or not. I guess this situation was my sign. I keep thinking about my past situation-ships and how things didn’t play out. But no matter what they always came back. And majority of them came back as good friends. “This One” was different. He wasn’t in the entertainment industry, he was just a regular guy. I felt comfortable around him. I liked the fact that it was more than just sex. It was about the vibe we had. I remember telling him Saturday how I want him to be more emotional and talk about his feelings with me. I could tell he isn’t that type of person. But I hoped just as he asked for me let my guard down and stop being so defensive that he will too let down his emotional guard. After two whole months we were still on the fence about each other. So why the hell did I think this was going to work out anyway.

This one hurts. It hurts more than “Him” and “DJ”. It hurts more than “My Love” and “Bigg”. It's the exact hurt I felt when “My Ex” and I broke up officially and I moved out. My emotions and feelings are all over the place.I first want to say I’m sorry for doubting you as a man. I’m sorry for not trusting your words when you were telling me there is no one else. I apologize on asking about the women on your instagram page. I should’ve known better not to do that. I’m sorry for making you feel as if I was controlling in any way. I’m sorry if you felt as if I pressured you something you wasn’t ready for. I’m sorry for breaking down like that in front of you. I’m sorry for letting my guard down for you. I’m sorry for thinking you could ever like an aggressive woman like myself. Moreover I’m sorry for being myself around you.

Just like my last situationship, I’m leaving it all on this blog. This is it between “This One” and myself. I have to pick myself up because I’m that aggressive woman and move on. If it’s meant to be, he will come back. But then again do I want a man like that to come back? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.