So after being up since 2am..I decided to write…
There he was standing in my doorway for the second time with items that belong to me. Here we go again. The final goodbye. I told “This One” to come in so we can talk. I wanted more answers to why he wanted to end our situationship. But he gave me the run around answer of “if we didn’t end it now, then how else would we have ended it”. Thinking back to it, he was ready to end it. For whatever reason, he wasn’t happy. Maybe he wanted more. Maybe he was tired of doing what we do? I thought about the last time we had sex, and I didn’t swallow when he wanted me to. Could this be why? I am not sexual enough for him? I did everything different. I cared for him. I respected him as a man. After our convo, I asked him if he still wanted to go to the show that I bought tickets for. His reply, “No”. I asked him if he was coming to my event. His reply, “No, I have something else planned for that day”. “This One” really want out! He left and I sat alone in my kitchen and cried thinking back to my past relationships when I gave my all. But is my all enough? Will I ever be enough for “This One” or for any man that I could potentially see myself in a serious committed relationship with? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. At least I have “The Young Boy” to depend when I just need some extra company. I told “The Young Boy” about my conversation with “This One”. I also told him I cried. He told me I deserve a lot better and that whole situation wasn’t my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It felt good to hear that coming from a guy who I am sexually active with but also have a great commutative friendship with. With “The Young Boy”, our situationship is different. I mean it’s sexual but we are very open and comfortable with talking to each other about current relationships with other people. I know he has a chick he is going to be serious with and when that time comes we will end it. I asked him if she knows about us. His reply, “No and she doesn’t need to know. I have needs and she is a virgin”. Is it bad that he sleeps with me but have a love connection with her. But after he told me we don’t always have to sex every time we hang out made me feel a little better. But then again, I have needs too! And if he okay with it then so I am. The other night we smoked and cuddled the entire night. No sex! I woke up next to him holding me. I have never felt better. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I would say this planning this event has made me grow up a lot. Everyday there is something different. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed and nervous. I decided to add another promotion team on it to create more buzz. I would love to collect all the money for myself but this is my first event and going into it I knew I was going to lose money. I was talking to one of my managers about depression and how people have to find some type of hobby that brings enjoyment to their life. So on days where I feel unsure about my event because of my nerves, I think about how I am investing in myself and how that brings enjoyment to me. I had to make some tough decisions with this event. I have and entire team looking at me for direction. It kinda feels like I am an CEO and that what I like. It’s going on 5am and I wish I would have wrote this sooner. Maybe I would have fallen back asleep by now. As I am laying in my bed, I thought I was going to have it all by the time I turn 27: the career of my dreams, the love of my life, and working towards marriage. But you can’t have it all well at least not at once. And everytime I think I have it all, my love life fails but career succeeds. What does this mean? Is it the type of men I am dating or is it really me? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
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“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself”....-Laurence Sterne
-I wasn’t ready to face the facts but let this be my last cry over him…. So it happened. Once I thought I was going to have my cake and eat it too, I received a text message from “This One” telling me we should just be friends. After I sent him a screenshot of the tickets I bought him for Valentine's day. Random I thought. Maybe he is going through some things in his personal life I thought. But when I asked him what was his reasoning, he said he didn't want to complicate things. Meaning feelings are just going to get even more involved and how would we feel if one of us was to get into a serious relationship with someone else. But from my understanding this is something we both wanted. A simple friendship with benefits. For us to hang out, chill, and have great sex. For us just to be happy! It hurts only because “This One” says he has been thinking about this for a minute. But in my defense, I asked him if he was okay with us and where we are last week when he spent the night. WHAT THE FUCK! I instantly broke down. Again I thought. “AGAIN!”, I screamed through the phone. “You are doing this to me again. After I let you back into my life”. “T i’m sorry”, He said. I was mad at myself. What was it that made him decide this at that moment. Is it me? Is it another chick? Did I do something wrong? I gave you what you wanted. And it still wasn’t enough. I did everything for you to show that I was different and it still wasn’t enough. Now I’m looking myself in the mirror thinking about the woman I am today. Will I ever be enough? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I remember the mental space I was at last October when this happened to us before. I was all over the place. Drinking heavy. Crying every two seconds. I don’t want that this time around. And let’s be honest. The signs were there. But as a woman that wears her heart on her sleeve, I choose to ignore them. I knew what to expect letting him back in my life. But I did it anyway and ignored the proceed with caution signs. Even though I have other dudes I am talking to, I put him as my main. He got all my time when I did have it. All these maybe’s keep popping up in my head. Like maybe he is intimidated by me like other males are. Or maybe he wants someone he can see all the time and not just once a week. He explained to me how he feels I want a serious relationship with him. In all honesty I have thought about it. But then again, he is not the one I could see myself in a serious type of relationship. I love him far as caring about him. But I am not in love him. He sucks because I feel like I wasted months and the time I invested into this situationship I can’t get back. Learning how to move on from these types of things has always been a problem for me. Maybe it’s time to really focus on myself. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. In talking to all my male friends about it, they said I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s him this time. And maybe they are right. Who knows. I wish I would have gotten that train ticket to Indianapolis to see “My Love”. It possibly would have been a great distraction from this all. I got this whole entire weekend off but I don’t want to sit around and cry about it. I don’t want to sit around and drink on it either. Like my male coworker told me, “T you are writing a book. It’s time to close that chapter and start a new one”. And maybe he is right. I can’t focus on the maybes and that what ifs with “This One”. I have to focus myself and my huge event that I have coming up. I don’t have that mental space right now to be frustrated, sad, and angry about it. And maybe that's what I need to start reminding myself everyday. In my last blog post, I talked about having control. And maybe this is my test for control. So here is to me, closing out this chapter and entering a new chapter of control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Everyone else can.”-Beyonce
No matter what, I have always stayed true to who I am as a person. I have always treated everyone in the industry the same way I would want to be treated. I helped those who needed and supported when they didn’t ask. I never came to an event or club expecting someone to get myself and 10 other people in. I brought bottles to support my friends. Planning this event has shown me how much people do rock with you. I really noticed this after talking to one of home boys that I use to promote with back in the day. Of course I’m nervous but anyone would be nervous throwing their first event. My other home boy is giving me life with all his guidance. He says, “if you already have the money for the event to begin with then it's meant to be”. And “Go in thinking you are losing because you might not make the money back. Collect your data and that is the key to profiting even more”. The fact that I have these people all in my corner says a lot about how they viewed me versus “My Ex”. After today, I feel slightly better about this event. And even got a couple of tricks up my sleeve for it. I really enjoy spending time with “This One”. But the questions still remains, is he sleeping or talking to someone else besides me? Yeah, he cares about me and all. And I know between his new job schedule and me working two jobs things are going to get interesting because we won't have time to see each other as much. It seems as if I’m the positive thinker when it comes to this situation between us. I told him, it would be good money considering he can do over time and his off days will not change. With me working two jobs, I can basically make my schedule the way I want it. I work the day shift on his off days and if I wanted to, I could request a day off. But still, I don't think he is a much realistic thinker as I am. I can tell by our conversation the other day that he has a lot on his mind. Maybe I should give him some space. I like him A LOT! And I want things to work out but I’m not going to stress over someone who still has an emotional barrier up. Like always, I’m going to let the universe take control of it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I thought about it, maybe I need to get back to dating other people besides “This One”. So that’s what I did. “The Young Boy” at my other job has been asking for it. No literally but, figuratively speaking. He calls me his work wife. He is two years younger than me but he is really sexy and mature. It started off with just making out. Then a couple of days ago, “IT” happened. We had sex and it was good. Not just good but great! He is the type to nut and get right back hard. And I love that shit! The only problem with “The Young Boy” is he is young and we haven’t really went out on a proper date besides lunch dates. I usually don’t shit where I eat at, but he seems mature enough to not let things get messy. Besides this would probably be a sex thing. So where does this leave “This One” and I? Well I guess imma have my cake and eat it too for a min. Because besides any guy that says he fucks with me and knows me would show me something different. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. You might be thinking to yourself like damn Tati, now you really got a lot on your plate. But honestly guys what I have realized is its all about being in control of the situation and yourself. And that is something I realized when I having my panic attacks is, I can be in control of the situation. Meaning I can do what I want to do. And if there is something I don't want to, I don't have to. If there is something that I feel is going to take me out of my confront ora for the worst then I don't have to do it. That is what my focus is for 2018. Being in control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Fun Girl: “A girl that is typically somewhat attractive that men like to have fun with but never intend on marrying”.
-Urban Dictionary So here we are. A whole 20 days later after my last blog. I feel there is so much to catch everyone up on. First and foremost I am excited that I have officially started a brand (like actually on paper contracts and all) and my first event is fully set in place. It seems after my breakdown, all things are starting to become a little more clearer. And for the first time in a long time, I am starting to know what I don’t want and what I do want, and how to deal with what I have now. I guess you can say “This One” was right, I need to slow down and take some time for myself in the midst of two jobs. So I told myself on my off day, I want no one else around. Just me, myself, and I and my tv and snacks. I can not wait for the holidays to be over with. This is the last and final stretch of the year so why not make it the best. I was kind of surprised when “This One” gave me my christmas gift. Not because of what he gave me but in all honesty he is the first guy to actually give me an Christmas gift. “My Ex” never gave me anything because he always believed gifts should not be given just on holidays but every day. But truth be told he was just broke. I can tell with “This One” and I there is something there that wasn’t before. And no matter how many times I can try to have sex with another guy, the guiltiness always comes to mind and then I don’t follow through with it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I started to talking with one of my coworkers at my second gig. Needless to say, it's really just sexual tension amongst us. While at work, we make every chance we get. Like others, he has been to my bar a couple of times but never to my crib. Today was the day I decided not to look at him in that way anymore. Why? Because he told me that he does have someone else he is interested in besides me. He told me how they have history and was thinking about a relationship. I took that as a key sign for me to get out. Besides who really wants to shit where they eat at? Especially at that company! Another guy I was talking to went emotionally crazy over me. And talked about how we had selfish sex and how I felt comfortable inviting him in my bed. Little does he know how many other dudes beside him has been in my bed! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I get mixed signals from the universe when it comes to “This One”. Why did he buy me that christmas gift (and it actually being something I wanted)? Why does he keep talking to me after each of my drunk episodes? Am I the only one he talks to? What does he actually think of me? Does he truly deep down want to be with me? Am I just a fun girl for all these dudes I am talking to? I guess the only way to overcome my guiltiness fear to actually try to have sex with someone else. So I called up “DJ” and demanded him to come over. After all “My Love” is coming out here this weekend for New Years Eve. And knowing him, I better not have no fear in fucking him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Cry it out and keep it moving”
-3am Self Thoughts I seriously hate nights like this where I can't sleep but need to sleep. It always happens on the nights where I have to get up and work both jobs in the same day. And then before you know it by 11pm i'm nodding off in the office. Nights like this makes me not want to talk to anyone during the day. I literally wanna stay at home and hide. If I told you I tried to commit suicide last week would you believe me? Probably not. Why because like others you may view me as the young black woman with life morals and has someone that has their shit together. Well I don't. And somethings that will forever continue to bother me about who I am and the choices I have made. Even though I am blessed to have two jobs, I don't want to do it. And I know the only reason why I am doing it is to have extra money in my pocket because as an entrepreneur you always need money to finance your brand. No matter how many times I keep saying I am going to go back to school, honestly I’m probably not. I just don't want to. And I know this day in age an Associate's degree can only get you so far but I don't want to work in corporate America under someone. I want my own Shit. I want my blog to be my career. Two months ago it seemed as if I had a clear direction and knew what I wanted and steps to take to get there. And now since I have been accomplishing these goals my life is like WHAT THE FUCK! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I feel embarrassed when I talk about my anxiety. I feel like people don't understand and look at you strange. I had a nervous breakdown last week at 4am out of my sleep. I knew “This One” would be up so I called him. He got me an Uber to the emergency room. I felt ashamed. We never spoke about it since that day. What triggered it this time? Two days before I was going through the emotions like now. I made some wrong decisions before I knew it, I was lying on the bathroom floor thinking about all the things I wanted to do to kill myself. If I would have taken several of deep breathes and went into hiding mode, I would have never made those terrible decisions which caused these suicidal thoughts. Its 3:51am and honestly all I want to do is sleep. But I can't too many thoughts going on regarding friendships, family, and finances. Not to mention the thoughts of “This One” sleeping with another woman is killing me. Not saying he is or isn’t. It's just hard to put my finger on it. And since we are not in a committed relationship, it would wrong for me to ask. But I hate to think he wakes up happy as he does to me with another chick. Moreover I would hate to think that once again I am falling for him. Maybe my therapist is right. I am taking on too much at one time. Slow down and let things come to you for a change. Stop thinking you always need to go running for the answers. Make a plan follow through but most importantly slow down and remember to breathe. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “When the path reveals itself, follow it”..
-Cheryl strayed The first full week was rough, I mean really rough. Me trying to get back into the groove of working two jobs. I was tired exhausted and wanted to cry for a moment. Okay people well maybe not wanting to cry but you get the point. Saturday came and I honestly didn’t want to do anything. Not even hang out with “This One”. But he insisted and like always, we had a good time. Working two jobs is giving me the best motivation to push myself into what I want to be doing. And that's...Well..hopefully this blog and this blog only. But with me being the young black independent woman I am, I will most likely always have two jobs. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. So it happened. “This One” and I finally had sex. It was like the first time but ten times better. It was “I miss you”, “We making up”, “I’m sorry”, “I fucked up” sex. Before all that the question came at me once again from him, What is it that I want?. He said, “I know you want to be in a committed relationship T, and I don't think I’m the guy for that. My response was, Honestly, I don't want a committed relationship with everything that I have going on. I’m working two jobs now and more focus on my brand. I don't know what I want”. I left the conversation at that because he kept pushing me to say other things. That night I couldn’t sleep. But Sunday after us having sex, I left him a note saying, “I just want to be happy. Us to be happy. No titles no commitment for us to be happy with each other”. When I came back in from work, I noticed he took out the garbage, straighten my bed, couch, and shoes. Damn! But that Sunday night I received a phone call from my New York boo thang telling me he was staying in Chicago for a couple of days and want me to stay with him. I packed a bag and got a Uber to his hotel. I missed him and could honestly see myself with him all over again. I started to think what will happen between “This One” and myself if the New York boo thang and I decided to give it another try. It will be long distance but like with “This One” I am willing to try. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. One thing I can say with “This One” is I appreciate how concerned he is for me. Especially with me working these two jobs. It’s different with us now. He is more caring than the last time. It scares me. And every time he asks how do I feel about us, I always say how too tired I am to process that question. I’m mostly just saying it because I don't think that question is appropriate if he doesn't want anything serious. I took my mom to a play the other day. I told her what happened between us. She said I was stupid for talking back to him. That nothing I do will ever change his mind. But i’m not trying to change his mind. But I get what she saying. “As a woman are really going to go back into something you know don’t want. “You know your worth. Why are you short selling yourself”. I thought about her response and maybe she is right. Maybe I should distance myself away from him. On another note, “My Ex” proposed to his girlfriend. That’s right! The girl he cheated on me with he proposed to her. And here I am trying to convince myself that a committed relationship isn't what I want. At the end of the day. I have a lot going on. And the more I drown myself into my work, the more I don't want to think about relationships. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “The very first time I thought I was lost, My dungeon shook and my chains fell off”
-James Baldwin So this happened, my phone fell in my shit (literally). I was in the bathroom pulling up my pants and my phone fell directly into the toilet full of shit. Damn I thought, I just can’t catch a break for nothing. The next day I got a new phone. Everything didn’t back up such as messages and a couple of pics. I have been holding onto these messages since I lived in New York. I guess you can say with this new start, I needed a new phone as well. At least that’s how I’m making it. I was mad at first but I got over it. Out with the old and in with a new I-phone. With that happening and the fact that my lil sister is still not talking to me over what happened months ago in Atlanta. I miss her and can’t wait to see her. My great-grandmother turned 84 this past Sunday and I didn’t get the chance to go over there. Why? Because I was too stuck in my own ways. Basically tired. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “This One” and I finally went on our first date after that whole situation. I was nervous. It started off awkward but then suddenly became normal. Funny thing is the event we went to was an event I knew “DJ” was going to be at. And like I said before when it comes to me with “DJ” sometimes he has no chill. So of course I saw him and gave him the biggest hug during the event and after. Even said his real name in front of “This One” so he could know who he was. Now I know you thinking why? And this is petty. Yes, people I know it is. But maybe that's because I’m still hurt. And sometimes as a black woman being that petty to a guy who hurt you might give you a bit of relief. He must have sensed how bad my feet were killing me in my heel boots because he discovered a speaker next to the stage for me to sit on. “Sit down and relax for a min”. He said to me. “This One” has always been caring and concerned. He always tells me to relax and breathe. After the event, we walked back to the car holding hands telling each other how much fun we had. I didn’t expect to spend the night so I didn’t shave or prep “Her”. But honestly cuddling with him was the best way to end our night. He held me tight and didn’t let me go. Even when I moved he re-positioned to continue holding me. At that moment all my feelings came back. We didn’t have sex and honestly I think I want to hold out again. As I am writing this, I’m thinking how long should I hold out. My hormones are raging and I don’t want anybody else sex but his. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I started my new job yesterday. I like it so far. I know I will have my days where I’m super tired. I’m scared to tell my GM about this role because it’s my GM. But honestly he has been the most supportive person in my corner. I feel bad starting a new part time job without telling him first. But i’m guessing it will be okay. As far as me managing at the bar, I’ve been having lots of talks with another manager which is the actual manager who hired me. It wasn’t a come to Jesus talk but more of, “Get your shit together and act like you are a manager”. And he’s right. I have not been the best manager for the past month. I have to be better. Why? Because as my grandmother puts it, you have three strikes against you already. You are black, a woman, and successful. You are dangerous to society. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “It’s not about having a relationship or “title” it’s about who’s gonna be on time when you need them. Having someone’s back no matter what, is what love is” -Unknown instagram user
It’s like this, looking back at the month of October for me, I was a wreck. Crying all the time, spending money I don’t have. And through everything that I went through last month, I can finally say things are starting to change. It’s was one of those moments where I have to remember “it's only temporary”. And it was. Nov.s 1st I landed a second job at a clothing store. Back to my original style of me of working two jobs at once starting next week. My thought always have been and always will be this, the more I work the less time I have to get myself into trouble. And what I mean by trouble is spending unnecessary money or hanging out late nights and drinking. That was my biggest problem too for the past couple of months. Since I have been working at the bar and promoted to manager, my drinking has been getting a little out of hand. I need to calm this down immediately. As bad as I want to say no drinking for the rest of the month, I can’t. It's the industry I work in. So instead I’m going to set boundaries. I am only allowed to drink twice a week. That’s it. Writing this sounds so embarrassing but I have to keep in mind. This is a judgement free blog. So like my GM told me, don't worry about what others think of you. Do want you want to do because you want to do it not because that's what others want you to do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. It's like this, when it comes to me dating I have often thought what makes guys attracted to me. And every time I’ve asked a guy this question, the answer is always “You’re different”. Of course I’m different. Always have been. Always will be. But me being different doesn’t mean I settle. Doesn’t mean I want a commitment with the first person who says that want to be in a relationship with me. I’m complicated at times. And it takes a very unique person to open and comfortable to deal with me. I haven’t found that person yet. In fact all the guys ‘m currently talking to, none of them seem to be my type. Last night when I was three out of the many guys I am talking to all came to job. I choked for a moment but in the back in my head I thought, “you a bad bitch. You got this”. And I handled every single one. The first guy is a young guy. He instantly peeped my game and sent me a rude ass text message. If I was the old me, I would have cursed him clean out. But he is young and Dominican. Nah baby I’m cool. Next! The second guy I have been messing around with for the longest. But he gets drunk he likes to express his feelings for me. Sorry dude. But if you can't say the same things to me while you sober. Then I’m good. NEXT! The third guy I actually invited up there. He is sweet and kind and is ready for marriage now. He has two kids too. Yes I want a relationship but I want someone I can build that with. Besides I’m use to assholes and I think my personality might shock him in the future. Moreover I want to pump the breaks with us for a min so I can take my time to get to know him properly. Sooo yeaaa NEXT! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “This One” and I are hanging out this Sunday. I'm nervous, excited, and might just throw up before the date. It’s weird with us because I know at any moment things can go left. We talk small talk all day everyday but it's not how it use to be. Some days I don't know what else to say to him. And half of the time, I just really want to know what does he think about me now. Yea he says he “fucks with me” but what does that mean? What does any of this mean actually? Are we still the same two people? Does he miss me like how I miss him? Does he want to hold me again night? Does he even think about us like that anymore? I sent him a text saying how excited I was for Sunday. My heart dropped! I couldn’t believe I sent that. I waited 2 min (which seemed like an hour) for a text back. His responded, “Me too”. A sense of relief but we are still not there yet. Looking back last month when I thought my life was in shambles, it wasn’t. It was a simple growing pains of being an adult. The most important thing I have learned is this, sometimes leveling up takes isolation, separation, and extreme focus. Maybe last month was the time for me to prep myself for new adventures. So here I am Nov. 2nd. I got a part time job, met one of my idols and told him about my blog which he now follows, became a brand ambassador for a new vodka, and realized the biggest cheerleader on my side is myself. I got this! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “You being aggressive is not a bad thing. It’s actually good”
-This One It's like this, if you want something you have to go get it. I wanted my stuff back from “This One” and I got it back. I found a way to reach him through an app. Let’s just this people, through that app I blew his fucking phone UP! He replied back saying he was going to drop it off at my job. Me being me, I yelled at him and told him to bring my stuff to my house in my hand. I didn’t want any emotions at my job. Besides I was angry and low key wanted to talk. He brings my stuff upstairs and proceeds to walk away. I say to him “So is this it?” He says, “Yea”. My heart was already beating hard because before he actually arrived there. I wanted to throw up, I wasn’t ready to face reality. But then I convinced to talk about it a little. So it’s true, I told him that I loved him and this isn’t the type of relationship he wants right now. We hugged, he told me how much of a great woman I am and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He also said that I told him to block me on everything (even though I don’t saying remember that). We agreed to be friends and he would unblock me. We shared a couple of laughs of things that happened to us including me missing my flight back. At that moment I felt a sense of relief. I sold the concert tickets to him. Didn’t want them. But low key still wanted to go with him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I always put my stressful energy into work or creating something better in my life. It’s just my way of dealing with things. Received several call backs for interviews this week. I thought to myself, “Damn things are really changing”. It’s like breath of fresh air. I’m instantly going to work on my next goal as soon as I land a second gig. With this going on, I am one emotional horny wreck. And mother nature is taking forever to come down! I attempted to have sex with “Him” but he came super quick while I was giving him head. And that people was the icing on the cake for me that day literally. I was horny and masturbation wasn’t a thing for me anymore. Besides I will never swallow a man’s cum unless it was “This One”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Instead of virtually sending me money, “This One” brought me the money for the concert tickets. I was horny, hot and naked underneath my robe. I convinced “This One” to take a shower with me. And well he laid me on the bed and proceed to give me head. I came, he left, and I went to sleep like a baby. We both know we need to take things slow. Well at least I do. I don’t want to go back into something like that again. Overall, I can tell I’m still hurting from this situation between us. How you may ask? I was on the phone with him while shopping I was describing this midi dress with a hood. He expressed how he doesn’t like dresses like that. I wanted say “Bitch what makes you think you have any say so in this anymore. I’m just talking to you cuz I'm bored and still horny and might want to sit on your face again fool”. But I didn’t say that at all. I just laughed and said okay. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Once again Anxiety has taken over me. It’s 2 am and I’m up writing trying to clear my head a little. I started to cry a because even though I got closure between “This One” and I, it’s still awkward. I think that's the reason why I try with the small talk. Key phrase, “I TRY” even though my guard is all the way up. But is he willing to try as well? As bad as I don't want to take this sleeping pill because it taste disgusting, I have to. I need to sleep because I have another interview tomorrow morning. Taking the pill and thinking to myself, I’m confused. I got closure and I’m still hurt. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. |