“Very Soon you won’t, as it get better with time”……
I started blogging because I wanted to be the platform and the voice for those young girls who grew up their whole life not knowing who or what they can become. I woke up this morning to a message that I didn’t understand. I cried. But after talking with “My EX” I think I have a better out look on it. Some things that we feel or want are temporary. You might think what you are feeling will last forever but it doesn’t. As young black independent woman, I feel you start to become more comfortable with yourself when learn who are you. According to everyone with me being 24, I’m still in that learning phase. So why sit here and cry over someone who was just in your life temporally? My life isn’t over. It’s just beginning. I’m very ambitious when want to be. Well, now I have to be. It seems as if I have a love/hate relationship with New York right now. And I will be dammed if I let it get the best of me. So here is to me, a quick reminder to myself this morning walk alone, yet stand strong more blessings are around the way. Your love life might seem to suck right now but it doesn’t. It’s just a temporary thought.
“I was always the daring one. I was that child that had to learn to hard way”….
Its 4am in the morning and instead of me sleeping, I decided to write. Can’t say I’m not thinking about him. Can’t say I’m not missing him. What I can say is I’m more confused than ever about this. Should I contact him or should I leave it alone. Sat in the doctor’s office alone by myself. Took the at home pill alone by myself. Got myself caught up in situation I wish I could take back. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. Maybe those things make us better in the end. I wish I could get on a flight right now and go home for a little while. Right now, I don’t know to feel or what to do. I’m alone. I have over came a lot in the past. Now I have to learn how to over come this situation. As I lay here on the bathroom floor crying and in tears, hating myself for once again putting myself through a situation where I had all the self control but fail to take any. No matter how much I talk to others about what I’m feeling, no one will truly understand. How can I make peace with myself after this? How can I forgive him for this? How can he forgive me? When I cut my hair, I thought I was giving myself a new look. What I didn’t realize is a person can change their looks on the outside but doesn’t do any justice if they can’t change who they are on the inside. So I am at 4am in my emotional hurtful thoughts, thinking how the hell do I get myself out this funk. 7 months in New York, the city of big dreams, the one city I have always dreamed about moving to since the age of 3. I have 5 more months before my contract end. The real question is do I stay or do I go back to Chicago? Its 4am and I should be in bed off some strong medicine. But instead I’m writing this in hopes for some closure. So here is to the still strong independent black woman that is going through this situation alone, but yet still standing.
“The amount of Tears, I cried while writing this…”
I woke up Sunday Morning in the Hospital. Not sure how I got there but I got a feeling I would soon remember when I sobered up. All I had was my wallet. No cell phone or no purse. The serious of events that lead up this was unreal. Having no recognition on what happened that night is a mere repeat of what I have been through before. I cried my heart out the next morning. And to “him” I am truly sorry. Went to go talk to a physic a couple of days ago. She mentioned the fact that I am struggling between two people in my love my life. And that I need to leave “My Ex” alone, “My Ex” could ruin the relationship between this new guy and me. “My Ex” didn’t ruin it, I did. I still have some things I am struggling within myself as a person. And when I get to situations like this, I always find myself alone. Maybe that’s a sign for me to be alone for a while. Being in New York, I can get lonely sometimes and rather go out and search for something, I need to learn patience and let it come to me. Ladies, if a guy kicks you out his care in the middle of the highway, truly states he doesn’t give a shit about you. More over once you tell him that you are pregnant and he calls you a liar and even more upsetting. Here I am once again struggling with the fact that I have a lesson to learn here. I am known as a strong independent black woman. I can handle a lot. I have been through a lot. That night I am thankful that I had an emergency credit card on me and was surrounded by strangers that were willing to help me. As you grow up nothing gets easier in life. When you think you are over one challenge that are a million more waiting around the corner. I guess it’s all about how you deal with things. And in this situation, the only thing I can do is pull grown woman hat on and move on. One thing the physic commend me is how much faith and determination I have. She said for me to be so young, I have accomplished a lot. I have a lot more to accomplish and even though what might seem as a minor set back, best to believe this will be my greatest come back. Talked with my mom today some what about the situation. She said, “Sometimes you have to do things different to get a different result”. I think that’s my problem, I keep doing the same thing over and over again. She also explained to me how sometimes God will put you in situations to be by yourself for you to work on self-reflection. Even though this blog is pose to be a self-reflection of me, I haven’t been as honest as I can be. The physic told me that I would have a good summer this year. I can only hope so. It’s June 1st and the first day of summer is June 22nd. In the end, its really time to make some changes some for the better some for the goodness of now. I don’t know what to say to him at this point but I’m sorry. As I wipe my tears away, there is nothing lost here just more knowledge and understanding gained. So here is to the young black single independent woman getting ready for some real life changing decisions.