"There is a certain feeling I have in stomach walking to work today. What does this mean?"
It's now 5 months left in the year of 2016. All I can say is wow. Trying to keep my faith while going this financial struggle while also struggling through work and getting this blog up and running like I need it to. At 25 I think I'm going through a mid life crisis. When everything seemed so clear, now I feel like my path is unclear. Stuck and hopeless is how I feel now. I'm more stress than anything so I drink more than anything. Last week I went off my last guy. Granted I wanted my keys back from him, but when I really think about the situation it wasn't the smartest of me. At three am I called him tipsy saying that I left my keys at the bar. I really didn't, I just wanted to see if he was going to come over. He did and we argued. That night or morning, he was all types of bitches. Now he is on tour for a whole entire month and I didn't get a chance to spend one romantic time with him. Maybe him being away will bring us closer. But that's not a big problem right now. In struggling in life. I don't know if this the career I want to be in anymore. I'm unsure and I'm asking for all the clarity that the universe could possible give me. With 5 months left in the year, I have a lot of shit to accomplish. I thought I was going back to school this semester, but that might have to wait until next semester. Until I'm actually where I need to be at in life all around. I had a talk with my long time friend who store I visited. He suggested that it's time for me to move and spread my wings else where. That I have so much more potential. This maybe true. The fact that I am pissed at the videographer is not answering my phone calls about the last video I did is more pressing than ever. That video was going to put this blog on the map. That was the perfect video to describe the who what when where of this blog. With "DJ" being on tour for a whole month, my blog video not being done, my lost focus at my job, my financial struggle, it's going to be one long month in August. But this young black independent woman has to get it together. It seems like my motivation for being great is lost and I'm on a constant search of getting back.
"If you don't jump, you will never soar. When you first jump your parachute may not open. You will get cut on some rocks. But you don't know if you can soar, if you don't jump"
So I did it. I got another job on the spot at a bar. Even though others may disagree I did the most adult thing I could do. Living pay check to pay check is no fun. Besides I would rather use my extra time to make more money than to sit on my ass doing nothing. Or more over going out spending money I don't have. My mom says I could save money if I want but, my lifestyle is too expensive and this is so true. I'm still on hunt for a new career move. For the past two weeks, I wake up and put in at least 5-7 applications a day. I have gotten call backs from at least an hand full of them. I have gotten job offers on the spot from at least three of them. I declined them all. Why you may ask? It didn't feel like the right choice. As my manager explained to me, I am valued at this company so when I make my next career move, make sure it's the right choice. That and also I'm still under contract. But until my contract is up, it's nice to know that my resume is impressive and I can get a job if I wanted to on the spot. I sat down and made a list of everything I would want in my career move and made two separate columns of everything that I love about my current role and all my skill sets. I placed that sheet on my refrigerator and look at it daily as a little reminder to this universe here.
With working two jobs now and my mom being sick, I haven't really had time for any love or "situationships". My love life sucked and it still sucks. Haven't talked to Dj in three weeks (which is okay honestly, I would rather for us to stay as friends). I Haven't had sex in a month. With me getting rid of my starting 5 guy line up, I guess you can say this is the perfect time for me to practice some sort of celibacy thing. I do however, have my eye on this guy but the mutual "friends" we have in common just won't let us be great. Time after time I just find myself around unnecessary "fuck boys". So I am removing myself from all of that and staying content.
As I approach my stop on this train, Im trying to channel my mixed confused energy into one big ball of positivity. Doors are opening and my head is high. And I am destined to be this content person who is so ambitious and won't stop for anything to get the career of her dreams. So here is to me, for pushing through it all and having a moment of clarity.
"Young lady you have three strikes against you in this world..you're young..black..and a woman"
Taking a leap of faith this week and applying for a second job. A waitress position on the weekends at a bar would be ideal. I could still work during the day. I know a second job might seem a lot for me right now but what else can I do..I need more money. Last week was all about me taking a step back and putting things in perspective. My final liberations are these: New job by the end of this year, enroll in school next year, save and invest in myself for the future. To be honest, I'm nervous about looking for another job. I haven't done this type of field work in years. I know my resume is impressive because of the amount of work I have put into my present company I work for. I spoke with "DJ" last week when I was at our mutual friend store. To him, we have a lot of things to discuss. I don't know what that means considering I was pretty tipsy and this was after boozy brunch. Apparently he wasn't speaking on the situation that occurred last week. So, I'm really confused. My best friend says he isn't the one for me. How can I be as busy as him and put more effort in this "situationship"? A question of inquiring minds that all black women would like to know. Maybe she is right. But at this point, all my focus needs to be on looking for another job. All in all through out this new leap of faith, I can't let my current job suffer. I still have to give 120% or more. Or at this rate 200%. I think me looking at my bank account everyday is pushing me to want to do better. Crazy as it might sound every time I think I can make a way or make 100 dollars stretch for a week; I always find a way. Something always happen. My friends, it's true you give blessings up and they always come back down to you. Laying here looking at the new tattoo on my arm to remind myself this one saying, "live in peace..not in pieces". And that's being young black and living.
"She wanted him more than he wanted her. And that’s when shit hit the fan. She couldn’t have him as she wanted him”…….
I must say, I thought I wasn’t going to have a summer this year. The past two weeks I was truly living the definition of an “YOLO” life style. Spending money, cashing out checks, hanging out with the girls, meeting new friends, not giving one damn. I haven’t been doing a great job at my job. I’m slacking. As much as I want to continue these fun “YOLO” times, I have to get back to work. Change is always good but having some type of consistency about you is even better. I love that fact I have “summer friends” and that my “summer friends” and “best friends” can all get along. I love woman I can talk to, relate with, and understand. With me going out a lot, my stress level is low. But that can also be because I’m at the gym four days out the week. A month ago, I couldn’t sleep for two weeks straight. I was having mild anxiety attacks. I was stress. Work and my new “situation-ship” were sucking all the energy out of me. And before I knew it, I wanted to explode. Before now, I wasn’t going out often. I would stay in the house. I would only go out every so often. A part of me wasn’t thrilled about going out or hanging out. I wanted to work and get myself to the next level. What changed is when I felt myself becoming the anti-social type. I’m this outgoing person with a big personality at times. I was hindering this part of myself thus far, leading me to feel as if I was going to explode. And explosion is what happened. I was doing too much with no direct outlet. My main project fell out my hands at work, I couldn’t sleep at night, and my situation-ship with “this guy” was going wayyyyyyy to far unexpected. So I went out living the YOLO life. You can say basically me sitting sick here trying to do a Netti pot treatment at 4am is a sign telling me to sit my booty down somewhere. And that is what I’m planning to do. I’m 25 and yes I would love to have fun all the time and not worry about a damn thing, but I have to shit to get back to. With me a young black independent woman, I’m learning it’s all about balancing your life out in the end. Yes, I want to get to the next level in both of my careers and yes I want a relationship and yes I want to make my family even more proud. The one main important factor that I have forgotten in this past month in a is why I’m doing this. I’m doing this because I’m the one who made it out. I’m not just doing this for myself, I’m doing this for every black girl in America who thought they will never make it. So here is to me, eliminating all my distractions and getting back the grind once again. Both careers will succeed for I am every black woman’s dream.
“It might hurt now, but like the others you will soon move on from him too”…
Lately my sleep patterns have been completely off. I find myself waking up at 3 am and not going back to sleep until 5 or 6am. I want to call it stress and honestly, it might be stress. Besides my period being three weeks late, I’m trying to juggle a lot of responsibilities at work. There have been lots of conversations with my managers in the possibility of creating this one position. I know this may take some time, so I finally thought what could help me get to the next level. I have never been so nervous in my life to tell my manager I wanted to go up for this other position. I know I have it in me. I know I have what it takes. From this point on, I have to prove myself, worth, and talents even more. From this point on, I do not need any interruptions. Sometimes it amazes me as an young independent black woman, how well I can continue my success and growth in my career but my love life is at a constant sinking ship. Three months ago, I remember being happy that I was by myself. I want to get back to that point again. I think I so caught up while dating “This Guy”; I got really excited for myself. He swept me off my feet because he was different. He is amazing when he can be. The problem is we are trying to grow in all areas individually therefore we are not growing together. As bad as I want to be with him, I don’t want to force something that is not meant to be at this moment. Now I know what you are thinking, why not compromise to achieve growth as one? The problem comes in when you have two different people in two different lime lives their worlds clash and prevents compromising. So instead of going on and on of what the expectations are for one another, I am deciding to put this on hold. “This guy” is great and all, but I feel myself creeping back into my “crazy girlfriend habits”. Knowing that I am better than this and I have changed in all positive ways, right now is not the right time. So no more drunk text messages to him. No more blowing up his phone at 1am wondering is he coming over or not. No more wondering about him at all. My energy level is all over the place and it’s time to get back to the basics. I have a lot more shit to accomplish in three months and like I said, I need no more interruptions from the grind at all.
#YBL... Because there is no other way to describe this one....
I spent a week waiting up for him like he truly was going to come over in the middle of the night. Two of those days I slept in lingerie to surprise him. Is this really what I want? Is this really want I need? What happened to this situation now? Are you intimidated by my success too black man? There is no need to. In my eyes you are more successful than me. In my eyes you have accomplished so much more than life itself. Why can't you see me for the women I am trying to be in your life? When I think about things, maybe I should take a step back. After all, having these bi weekly touch bases with my manager is putting me in a great spot for the next journey in my career. This, I am excited for. I am taking all the challenges and is flourishing in them. Chicago, I want to love you for the beautiful city that you are. But these lonely nights and the anxiety of not knowing if I am walking into a death situation or not; keeps my mind pondering. I want love. I want a relationship. I don't want the whole come and over and sex thing anymore. With me being the age that I am now, I value my time and myself more. I don't want to be hurt again. As I jog down the lake front this morning, I took a moment to breathe. Sometimes in life you may want something to happen right in this instance, but maybe it's okay to have patience. The right moment will come at the right time. If there anything I have learned in my career journey is to not rush things. When it's meant to happen, it will. If this is really what he wants, he will reveal it and himself to you. So for now my young independent black woman, continue to progress in your life, just remember your value and your worth. Continue to practice self love. With that, nothing in world can stop you and the right one will come.
The nights I can’t sleep…I stay up and write…..
I thought I had another one. When I say another one, I mean “he might could be the one” another one. I guess I gave in too fast. And like the others, this one didn’t last. I really liked him because he was different. He didn’t drink or smoke, he just different. Granted I had a crush on him for a while. But see the way our lifestyles were set up, we didn’t grow close. He had to be the first guy in a while, to take me out and actually court me. I loved it. And even his first night when he spent the night, he didn’t try to sleep with me. He slept on the couch. Funny thing is, I really tried to make this work. I left all of my “crazy” ways to the side and never showed him. I felt like the chemistry was there. I thought it truly was. Everyone has their opinion about someone and maybe “their” opinions reflected heavily on his view of me. The other day I had a dream that a pig was following me. In my dream this pig was calling my name. The whole time I was telling the pig how I couldn’t take him home because he dirty. I begged the pig to start eating dirt so I can take him home. The pig didn’t listen. I guess the moral of the dream was this, to let go of all the dirty negative people in your life. Some things just aren’t meant to be. While writing this I decided to call him. Of course no answer and well people there is my answer. No matter how bad you might want something in your life to be, something’s are better left bitter sweet. And this situation ship left one huge bitter taste to me.
As a woman it’s only fair to separate your heart from your pussy. How not to rely on sex from a man when its good is a strength some woman can’t obtain. When I really like someone, I really like them. I take into consideration how of a great combination we would be. I guess that’s my biggest problem, I love too hard. And when you love someone hard, its truly hard to them let go. I have never been the type of woman to hold on to something for too long. I peep, I see, and I move on. Lately, I have been receiving a lot of attention from too many men. As bad as I want to feel empowered, I kind of don’t want it. Too many personalities and too many emotions to deal with. I have been in a happy place for the past couple of months. Some days when I'm down I go into a place of hiding and wanting to be left alone. Alone with me, myself, and my thoughts. I didn't blog for a while because of this. Sometimes you just need that inner peace. When I finally did step out into the night light, I had everyone asking where have I been. Little did they know, I was always out, I just moved in silence. So you might ask what does me not blogging and having inner peace have to do with the separation of your pussy from your heart? Well my wonderful reader, it has a lot to do with it. See me taking time to find inner peace for myself really taught me how to tolerate different situations. At the end result of every situation is yourself still having that peaceful Ora around you. I call this "positive vibes" or "positive energy". With that and men that I do date, I keep my emotions separated from the sex. Unless it's someone I can truly see a future with and we have had that conversation. Not every guy we as women meet can be considered "the one". Some are merely just there just because. No reason at all, just because. As I approach my train stop, I will leave you with this thought...some days it's harder to make lemonade with the lemons that are given. And that's just comes with being young black and living.
“But I love him”- Says every girl that’s in love with the wrong guy
It’s not that I’m mad at you; I’m more disappointed in you. How could a woman like yourself get caught up in this mess? Listen, you are worth way more than what he is giving you. You placed yourself in this hole only to crawl right back out. Why? If a man truly wants to be with you for you, he will. But the simple fact is you continue to stalk and have sex with him. Giving him all of you and he only giving part of him. You shouldn’t have to worry about if he’s messing around with any other chick. That’s your problem! You too busy focusing on what someone else is doing instead of worrying about what works best for you. Besides good dick and bubble gum, what can this “man” provide for you? Is he someone you can depend on? Is he someone you can grow with? Look at you! Being an emotional wreck at work. You allowed him to suck all your positive vibes out of you. To only be left with crazy stalker-ish ways. You stalked his snap chat and he blocked you. You can’t enjoy your best friend birthday because this situation is on your mind. What happened to you? You were going in all right directions. And now…..you wake up in the middle of the night crying over him. You thought you were fighting for this “situation-ship” (because let’s be real this is not a genuine relationship). You should have known from the looks of the ghetto rachet chicks he fucks with. Time after time you was ready to step away. Every time he pulled you right back. After that whole ex fiasco, you should have walked away. Now look at you, feeling all used. You have so many good things going on right now but it’s hard for you to enjoy it all because of this situation-ship. Listen, get up and walk away from it silently. Don’t make another fuse. Get back to feeling great about you. When the right one comes you will know. Yes, it will be hard because the feelings are deeply involved. You love him and some way he loves you back. But as woman (pause); A black woman you have to hold your self to a higher standard. And some how this cloud that’s over you will soon pass over. Now black queen, go wipe tears away. Get up and get ready for work because something tells me it’s going to be a brighter day.
I told myself I didn't want to be single again on Valentine's Day this year. But from the looks of it, that just might be the case. I started talking to "Tip" again but that quickly ended. Ladies any guy who lets you dress up In a sexy dress and gets your make up on fleek mode just to stand you up for a sushi dinner is no good for you. So me being the grown woman I am now, let it go and moved on. No crying over spoiled milk. Just go to the store and buy more. I thought by now I would be dating someone that I could potentially fall in love with. But seeing that I'm still not in a comfortable spot in my career where I could balance it all. I'm starting to have some feelings for "someone" that I have known for a very long time. However that is also going out the window. He was the guy I would call over after a night of partying and drinking. I thought to myself maybe I could invite him just for some cuddle time. And that's what I did. But this brilliant plan of mine failed. Granted i was on my Mother Nature but I still could feel him filling me up. I want someone who wants me for me. That's what I keep telling myself. It's those times when I have my moments about being raped and how I let that influence my choice of moving back to Chicago, where I think I am truly mentally ready to be In relationship. But like my therapist said, sometimes things happen for a reason and we might not know what that reason is but we all sooner than later find out. You might think what a crazy thing to say, but in reality with what I'm going through, what could you possibly say. At this point i want to take everything one step at a time. But damn, I'm turning 25 in three weeks. I have to figure out the future five years of my life. Love will come eventually but I need to focus on my career. So here is to me for sending submit on this email to my manager about a possible career change. Wish me luck!