"Thank god for the free thinkers for you keep me in mind, in the state of mine that I'm in, for you keep me in the race of baton that yall give"
How could one pass up the offer they gave me? I find my mind racing more this week. Nothing can turn it off. I'm lost. Don't know which direction to turn to. Living in New York has taught me a lot. And yet, it has made me stronger than ever. This is my child hood dream, but could I realistically keep living here knowing my other dream is out there waiting for me to turn it into a goal? If I move back to Chicago, I can have it all. If I stay here in New York, that dream might have to be put on hold. When I sit down and write out my pros and cons, I am not missing out on anything in New York. I have nothing here that's holding me. But my pride, my god my pride gets in the way of making this decision one easy to make. So what I am to do? Take the offer that have not given to anyone but me. Or stay here in New York and have the constant struggle of making ends meet at my job? I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't take risks. I wouldn't be where I'm at if I wasn't a rebel child. I wouldn't be as ambitious as I am if I didn't have big goals that I must continue to achieve. My mind and my heart are not speaking to each other. Nothing feels right at this moment. And a part of me wonders about "My bestfriend" and I since we did cross that line had that moment of late night intimacy. As I walk out the train station and to job on Madison ave, I ask myself why me? Why put this hard career choice on this young black independent women?
"Woman is the nigger of the world"...
Last night I went home by myself to myself. No one night stands, no 2 am booty calls, no one to answer back my text or calls. I wondered, is there something wrong with me? After 30 minutes of crying to "My Ex" all because no one wanted to take the pretty dark skin girl home, he explained to me that this could be my "Dry Spell". A dry spell is when a person doesn't have intimacy with anyone for a period of time. It could last for weeks or months. As horny as I was last night, I'm hoping mine only last for a week or two. However, this dry spell could work out in my favor. Maybe I do need more time to realize some things about myself. Or this could be a way for me to explore what qualities I am looking for in a man. I drunk texted "My Bestfriend" and told him how I felt about him. Could it be true that I like him more than a friend? If time did permit last night would we have had sex? I want him, but see being the emotional person I am right now, I would want more than sex. A part of me wants this dry spell to take its course. A part of me wants to give it all to "My Bestfriend". No text back from all the guys I know in my phone. For the first time in a long time, I had no action. Is this one of the qualities of being a single independent black woman that can hold her on? Last night when I was at the club I brought my own drinks. Didn't look for a guy to offer to pay and even if they did, I said "no thank you, I got it". Did I intimidate them by saying this? Is this the reason why no one wanted to take me home? "My Ex", explained to me that sometimes it's a good thing if a guy doesn't try to take you home. That means he respect you as a woman. Besides, me sending "My Prince" that DM last night and his response has changed some views. As I get ready to walk off the train and into my job, I can only wonder about this dry spell and how would it effect me emotionally. Once again, I'm leaving it all on the blog and closing that chapter between me and him.
"You wouldn't be going through this situation if you didn't have a voice and yes you do have a voice, use it".
My life wouldn't be my life if there wasn't another minor problem. Or if there wasn't another situation for me to share. But for the most part, what I've learned about my situations is they come and go. Nothing is permanent. I met this guy name "My Best friend" because in the end he is becoming my best male friend. He is going through the same situation "My Ex" and I went through. The most advice I can give him is; when his to wait till his "waiting to exhale moment" comes. At that moment nothing else in the world won't matter. For male or female the "waiting to exhale moment" is when you can finally live your life with out thinking or having memorable thoughts of that person. Your heart will be at ease. Your mind body and soul will finally be settled. My waiting to exhale moment finally happened believed it or not after 2 years of being broken up with "My Ex". And it was that moment when everything that I felt about, him I didn't feel anymore. Anything I saw that reminded me of us, I didn't see. When I started to live and accept that fact that we are different and yet and still we have done hurt to each other, I can live and move on with someone else I know that won't put me in that same predicament. I must admit it took time to get me to my waiting exhale moment, but I'm happy I'm here. So where am I now? I'm letting things flow. Letting a lot of things I was holding onto to in life go. No one wants a broken hurt and no one wants trouble to follow you. Thinking about my new manager and the differences we have gone through, I'm letting things flow. At the end we are two different people from two different backgrounds. Things may or may not work out and even if they don't, just let it go. No sense of holding onto something that isn't serious. In the end the situation was a mis understanding. He felt me missing a meeting and trying to write me up for it was the right thing to do. I have never been written up in this company and as black woman I refuse to. I was scared and nervous. My Energy level with the universe was at a low again. So I did like any common sense person would do, I collected my resources and used them. Afterwards he apologized to me and I did as well. We let it go and decided as an management team to get better with things. I wish things could be that simple when it comes to relationships. I don't know why every time I start to date a guy, he wants to take me out my element. I been dating "this promoter guy" for a while. At first he was annoying but to be honest I only kept him around for the head. Long story short I have him my spare keys on a drunk night. Now I'm sitting here having to change my locks because I haven't gotten them back. "Silly her", you might be thinking. But I would rather be going through that then to be sitting here at a counselor session because I recently became a rape victim of New York City. With that being said, here is to you my reader with the shocking look on your face after that statement. I wasn't ready to share but, this might be the key to my "waiting to exhale moment" for it.
I told myself I was going to stop drinking like that. I told myself I would start doing better than that. I told myself I didn't want to date again. I told myself I would never allow another person to take me out my element. My best "turnt up" days will always be in my twenties. Waking up not knowing how you got home. Waking up next to a random guy. Taking shots after shots and closing the club down. A Train wreck, is what some might call it. But to me, I'm just living in my early twenties. I took some time off from blogging to get to know myself. And what I can say is I love myself. I love all the random fun times I have. To be honest, I have been hurting from a certain situation. Something that I want to share but is afraid of. I know when the time is right I will, but until then I'm going to turn up in my early twenties. I often wondered about my mistakes and the wrong choices that I have made. These are the type of things that can make or break a person. These things didn't break me..they made me. They made a stronger person to point where if another situation would arise, that situation wouldn't break me either. Started dating this guy name "The Promoter". Funny thing with this guy is, I like him but our situation reminds me of "My Ex" and I seven years ago. Is this something that I want? I turned up last Saturday and didn't turn down until I woke up Sunday realizing that I miss my meeting with my new manager. I gave "The Promoter" a copy of my keys. I was drunk. A part of me wants a relationship with him. Then again another part of me wants to be free spirit have no ties to anyone type of thing. I'm turning up in my twenties and I don't want love. Every time I meet a guy, he seems to be Haitian. It's funny. I laugh in my mind but to be honest I'm afraid if I go to a family reunion they might all be cousins of some sort. I guess it's okay since I am talking to the cousin of the cousin of the guy I use to date. I'm turning up in my twenties. I'm shaking things up a bit. Haven't blogged in a while and it feels good to be back at it. So here is to this traumatic life changing situation that made me start blogging again. After all, I am just young black and living but damn can I get these pictures from Saturday night spammed off Instagram.