Not quote needed...just all smiles...
This move back to Chicago must meant to be. As the final weeks coming to an end, I feel more comfortable and confident then ever. Got the apartment I wanted and a whole team of supporters that have my front and back. Had a dream last night that I was building an empire. My motives, my train of thoughts, the amount of people that I impacted, all in that dream. That dream felt real. So real that I woke up as if I was still on that dream. But for one to build an empire, one must have a vision to create. Yes people, I can create. One of my VP's asked me what is it that I fear. I laughed and said "I don't fear for anything. For I am a black woman, I am feared". I carry that in my back pocket every time I think I can't go one more day. I pull that out and use it against anyone who says I'm young, I have a lot of time ahead of me. In reality, fuck that! Yes, I am young but why not achieve everything I want plus more. Not really feeling the dating scene and honestly that's okay. I know that one is coming soon. So far I can sit here and work on building my empire. So here is to all my goal ambitious people living in their early twenties, you deserve it! Just a morning thought while on the 2 train.
"I often have to remind myself how young I am"..
I have never been this broke before a day in my life. When they say you really can't save money in NYC, you really can't. At this point, I'm tense. My energy level right now is all over the place. I want to focus on myself and this move. But that's the thing that has my energy all over the place is, this move. I remember back to this time last year having this exact same feeling. That feeling of being of pressure at stake running high. That feeling when your back is against the wall and there is no room to breathe. That feeling of emotional under pain. I want to cry about this. But crying won't do anything. I'm nervous and me moving back to Chicago seems so right. I only could think about what could possibly go wrong. Okay people, I know those types of thoughts are not pose to be running through my head but hey what can I say. I am the over emotional creature right now. Just unfollowed "My Ex" on all social media. At this point I can't do a friendship nor a simple conversation. For a person who feels they should not have their personal life private on social media-I'm sorry hunny but posting your new girlfriend as your WCW is not having your personal life private on social media. What makes matters even worse is this damn phone plan we are still on. I want him to get off. Hell I want myself to get off, but the way my money is acting funny right now-it would be best if he stays on and helps to pay the bill. I woke up this morning with that mental state of wanting to be out this "CITY". I need a new change in pace. I need a different start. My mom called me about me about a hospital bill. And I think she knows about the rape incident. She kept asking me questions on why did I go to the hospital that day, I didn't feel like answering so I blowed her and told her I was getting ready for work. Knowing damn well that I was in my bed surfing the web. I'm not ready yet. And her as my mother, I know she wouldn't be ready either. I'm coming up with a plan to make my transition from office to the next as seamless as possible. Lord knows I really want to say "fuck this" and move on to the next. But that's not my character and as young black independent woman that can't be my stance on work. I have to promote two people, get my team trained up, work out problems, and be emotional and intellectual sane-all while moving to a different state. My life is tough right now. And some days I want to curse people out. (For no reason at all). Yesterday I cursed this lady out for working too slow in front of me. Yes people, it's that bad! But you know what, that's life! In life, something's might not go as planned and there might be times you have your back against the world. And the ground beneath you starts to shake and crack; it's going to be up to you to figure it all out. You know what they say, when life through you lemons, make lemonade. Well hell, I making a shit ton of lemonade and I'm selling it all right here on this blog. So here is to the people out there living in New York with 500 dollars in their account patiently waiting on pay day. Don't give up. Don't look back. Trust yourself. I'm 23 and rolling with these punches. For everything that I am not, made me everything I am.
“I go out to drink and sleep with different men because I just wanna fuck to feel pretty again..”
I told myself I wasn’t going to cry about. I told myself I wasn’t going to think about it. But how can I not when “My Ex” is in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with. Where did this come from, I have no idea. It some what hurts, but I must admit I have to much going on with my career and another big move to dwell on it. But I will say to him, “I was the one, that was there for you”. And some how I thought us getting back together will make me feel pretty again. I woke up at 3am, realizing a lot about the guys that I date or deal with. In the end, it was all about sex. Ran into “My Prince” a week ago at the club. It was no conversation, just a hello. I offered to buy him a drink, but he declined. I guess he found out what happened between his cousin and I. Truth be told I only was talking to his cousin to get an idea of who you was dating. But like one of my male friend’s said, if a guy kicks you out his car that means he don’t give a shit about you. To “My Prince”, I wanted no one but you. You kept blowing the “relationship” off with us. I felt you only wanted sex, not me. I had feelings for you, you gave me life and I felt pretty again. “To my Love”, I can’t it coming down my eyes, so I gotta make this blog cry. To “My Best friend”, I wish you nothing but the best with her. To the “cousin of the cousin”, we will always have that connection but you will never be able to provide me with more. With all these men, I just wanted to feel pretty again. But what I realized since I am the daughter of a bastard, its gong to take more than just a pretty face and a nice ass to find the right one. You wanna know what is amazing to me, the amount of time I spent on having sex versus someone getting to know the real me. Or further more me getting to know myself. Getting to see what is the greater part of me. What I want, what I like, what makes them want more than sex. I'm going to practice celibacy. I want to know the greater part of me. The conversation I had with my "Weed Man" has placed my mind on a different thinking level. Sex is weak drug for the mind. As a woman, I often have sex for a relief of stress. I have gotten nothing but positive feedback from people who have told about my decision. And just like this move, this choice feels right as well. Another journey another state another life choice I am making. It's 3am and I'm sitting here writing this. I couldn't sleep for he has mind super weak. He was my first love. But what's the point of holding on to the past when the chemistry isn't there anymore. As a woman, we all know how that might end. She is one of those women I will never trust and understand. So here is to me for being another black woman that wants to feel pretty again by a black man.
"And this is just part one"......
"I was never raised to replace a man, I was raised to become more than a woman"
I woke up this morning happy. For the past two days, I have been deciding what factors in my life are important and what aren't. I have learned to let some people go and how I felt about them. Had a long conversation with "My Love". We talked about what we could have done and decided the future of us. There is no future for us together. As bad as we want there to be one, at this point we can't. We are in two different stages of our lives. He is ready to settle down and be more with his kids. And me, well I'm more career focused than anything. I want my career over love. I guess that's the thing with being a young black independent woman. You are in love with your goals and dreams more than the person who loves you. I love all the positive feed back that I'm receiving from everyone about this career change. Truth be told, I'm nervous. A lot has changed at the Chicago office since I left. What if the team there doesn't like me? What if I fail? My VP expressed that me being nervous is a good thing. That if I wasn't nervous I was too comfortable. And with me being as ambitious as, I am I should never be comfortable. I should always want to achieve more. The fact my company would give me this opportunity and would do this for me and only me and no one else shows they truly value me. I would be a fool not send my email of acceptance for this role. Haven't really heard from "My Bestfriend". Maybe he is going through it. Maybe us crossing that line of intimacy made him uncomfortable to talk to me. But what ever it is, I hope he is okay. I valued our talks about life over the sex. The sex was good but a woman of my kind loves hours of talk about the universe. It's still unbelievable to think back to last year around this time. I was getting ready to pack up my life and move to New York. Now I'm getting to pack my life up and move back to Chicago. Last year on this day, I remember saying this feels right. This morning I woke up thinking, this feels right. According to "My Weed Man", men love a challenge and that I need to make them work for me. Then I will find someone that loves and respects me for everything that I want in life. I guess that's what is all about, taking on new challenges and roles. As I walk out the 51st train station to Madison ave I thought about all the challenges this city has thrown to me. At the end of it all, It became a good thing. So here is to me the strong independent black woman that's more ambitious than anything!