“There is no such thing as perfect. Nobody attains perfection. But if you keep trying, you grow and evolve, and to me that’s the point: To be a better person today than I was yesterday; to become the best possible version of myself.”
Sitting here with one foot up in a ace bandage wrap and the other on the floor. Thinking to myself how much of a stress this week this is going to be for me. I have the release of my blog video with no way of marketing it. Along with inventory count prep for my job. I'm trying to not worry myself but me having the type of personality I have, I can't. This blog video is going up for the world to see. I'm nervous. I started to wonder what else I could have done. What other scenes could have been acted out. More over, work this week is really going to be tough. Especially since I sprained my foot (or at least that's what the doctors at the ER said I did). I woke up Friday morning with my foot swollen and in pain. I rushed to the emergency room with panic. I called off work that day. I went to work for the next couple of days on one crutch and Norco. One foot up and the other one on the floor. No heels for a week. I love heels. I can't live with out them. But I guess we all gotta let some things go in life for a while that we all like. I was talking to one of my uncle's friend "TIP" for a week. To be honest, I really liked him. We are the same age with determination for goals. "TIP" was about to the top guy for me, that's until I sent a text message that money couldn't cash. That's right I sent him a very blunt text message and to my surprise, he is not that type of guy. So instead of me getting a funny sex text back, I got a "this is not going to work out" text. All I could do is say "okay" and move on. Or at this stage with this foot, hop along. One side of my wanted to lash out and say "FUCK YOU" "I'M A GREAT WOMAN". But then again, since I am growing..I kept my "I know what I'm worth" comments to myself. In the end any guy who claims they really like you but decides after one blunt text message they don't want to be "bothered" with you anymore automatically does not deserve your time. This like others came and went. Sitting here drinking a glass of wine with one foot up. But no matter what, I can always count on my best friend female friend a bottle of wine to make me come back to reality. And in reality, I'm growing. Not everything is meant to be perfect. But with time, patience, and growth everything will be just fine. So here is to us, the young women out there working and trying to catch the eye of "that one".
Out with old, in with the new is what they call it. What I call it is, moving on from the past. I didn't take any old relationships into the new year. Instead I looked at each one and decided if that person would do any justice in my future. I forgave some people and stood my distance against others. This year is more about achieving my highest beliefs. This year is about putting my growth into work. This year, is all about self energy. Meaning if a person is not fitting in with my current energy at that time, I can't vibe with them. I think friendships is an perfect example of this. My best female and I been friends for over 6 years now. One thing that her and I have learned when we need a break from each other. And ladies, we all have that one friend that we are inseparable from. But sometimes you and them just need a break. And it's not a bad thing at all. My best female friend and I know this. We can go two days not talking but on that third day, we will call just to check on one another. My New Year seemed so perfect. I wasn't in love or involved in anything romantic but I was happy. Happy to be around my family and close friends. Happy that I am living. Happy with the choice of coming back to Chicago. That was until I slipped and bruised my rib. Three days in house and not at work. I took that time for some self reflection on where I want to be as far as my career by fall 2016. As much joy as it would be to open another office, that might not be in my playing cards. So instead I'm going to focus on this new position that hopefully I qualify for. I put the plan in motion and last week even though I was limping from meeting to meeting, I shined. I took what I knew and turned it into a master plan. Now I have the plan in effect for the career. The love will follow no time for any guy that I can't see myself with in five years. Now it's time for this blog. I stopped blogging for a couple of weeks. Just to focus on work. Now this is why my life might get tricky. Turning this blog into a book and potentially having a reality TV show based off it, might get a little out of hand. But it wouldn't be a new year if I didn't have other trails to go through just to get me where I want to be. Can I do is not the question. Will I do it is an underline statement. Watch out world..this young sassy independent attitude has just gotten a dose of maturity to her life. So here is to me and 2016. For being more ready than ready itself.
It's been two years and he finally decides to send me a message. I'm talking about the one that I thought was the one. The one I ended my relationship for. Two years I waited for an apology from that guy. And in two years I can officially say I'm over it. Even though it took him two years to apologize and actually say it, I have already forgiven him mentally and spiritually. I guess the more I grow, the more I start to not worry about holding grudges. So I accepted the apology and moved on with life. It's easy to move on from life in this type of situation but what about my rape situation? I talked it over with my mom and from her point of perspective everyone is worried about me. Everyone who has read this blog is. I don't like to talk about it too much because I'm trying to move on pass it. I know everyone is concerned and worry about me but I'm fine. This is something I have to help myself with. My plan was to never go to counseling about it but, after waking up at 2am with an emotional break down, this might be my only way. I broke down because I thought about what if That didn't happen to me? That situation was my deciding factor with moving back to Chicago. That situation was the deal breaker. Now that I am back, I have to deal with the court cases between My Ex while also gaining a new perspective of being back in the Chicago office. I feel with me being as senior as I am at this company that I can not Fuck up. And with me putting the pressure on myself trying not to fuck up, I did fuck up. To the point where I felt no one had my back. I'm not going to elaborate on that situation because it's work. I also told myself I would keep my company out of this blog. But being that I am young and senior at this company I have to take in consideration that not everyone is going to be in the best interest of me. With me writhing this blog I have opened my life up to the world. So how can I move pass when someone tries to critique or ask me questions about it? How can I as a young black independent woman move pass all these things make something good happen out of it? So here is to me, on my way to work to facing what I did wrong. All while setting up a this therapist session to move pass the "pass".
"The things he constantly brings up about me". Why do I even matter in your relationship?"
Went straight from the club to the airport. Honestly this mini vacation is what I needed. It's been so much going on in Chicago. Trying to find my way in a new office while also prepping for all three court cases against "My Ex". New York felt like home all over again. All the love that I received and courage of inspiration back there. A part of me misses it. The city that is. That rush of grind mode feeling of being a part of that city. The fast pace lifestyle is what I truly missed more. Didn't get a chance to see "My weed man" or my "my best friend". Simply didn't have time. Instead I worked and relaxed. I'm excited to know this year I can spend the holidays with my family. And after all I really missed my moms cooking. 2nd year for me being single on holidays and no thought of that train of thought comes to mind. I have gotten to the point where I'm comfortable and don't care about having a new fling. I do however have my eye on a couple of guys. But I'm really not that invested in them as I normally would be. The fact is, it's holiday season. It cuddle weather. Everyone wants that one person just for the cuddle weather. Nah not me! Im good. Less problems to worry about. I started to date this guy name "chef". I brought "chef" around my family just to see how well he gets along with everyone. To my surprise he is able to make conversation with everyone. He is a free spirit just like me. One thing about "chef" is I can't quite seem to figure him out. Like one minute he talks about being in a relationship and then the next minute he talks about taking our time and getting to know one another. Very confusing and as a young black independent women I don't need another confusing thing in my life right now. Another thing about "Chef" is he's not showing no type of urgency to actually date me. Granted he is a chef so he can cook whatever meal he pleases. And I totally get that fact that he does have a kid so things might be tight there. But, I'm the type of person that likes to go out. I'm not asking to spend 200 on a meal but I'm simply asking for more than just a night cap with a meal and Netflix. Not saying my standards of dating are high but Netflix and chill is not on this woman's agenda every time "Chef" wants to hang out. Yes ladies the sex was amazing. But it's going to take more than just amazing sex to win this young black independent woman over. Speaking of sex, I didn't like the way he came about having sex with me. I mean damn can we just cuddle and lay together? So why does spending the night have to turn into sex? Why is it when a FEMALE'S says no, males feel the need to push up on us even more? I must admit it made me feel uncomfortable. FURTHERMORE who gives a shit when a guy says "he's not like the other guys". Honestly men, we all know that's bullshit so please just stop. So as I sit here and think can I see myself with "Chef"; truth is I can't. And maybe it's me not wanting to date yet, but whatever it is maybe I can use him just for those late night one offs. Or better cut off all ties. Sometimes in life it's better to burn bridges because it prevents you from crossing them again. And this bridge I'm burning with "My Ex" seems to find its way back to me. So here is to me. For taking three days to write this blog all while having my eye on "the one".
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple"
I can sit here and go crazy happy on a twitter rant but that wouldn’t work for me. Unlike him, I had a happy place..an happy ora. And now that peaceful ora bubble is broken. I had a clear conscious mindset. I was at peace with career, life, and myself. I thought I had let go of all the toxic people I have ever encountered. But like karma and they always find a way back. Three weeks into Chicago and what seems like the worst happened. I ran into “My Ex” and his new girlfriend at Starbucks with the non-intention on seeing him. I was in a dying need of a green tea. I have been trying to get in contact with him for some time about charges that appeared on the phone bill and also his address for court papers for our last apartment we had. I guess you can say our feelings got the best of each other because the way were screaming and yelling made it seem as if we two people who didn’t have any sense. “My Ex” grabbed me and pushed me out the Starbucks location. While I’m on the phone waiting for the police, “My Ex’s” girlfriend comes out the store to start questioning why do I have a problem with her. I explained to her that the problem isn’t with her and this has nothing to do with her. But I’m guessing what he has installed in her about me has gotten to her. She put her hand in my face and I smacked it. Two random ladies on the street broke up the fight. “My Ex” stood there and didn’t do a thing. The police arrived but my take side of neither story nor a report on my end was taken. I went to the police station to make a report against him. I have been in Chicago for only three weeks and this has happened. This is the thing people, when you are doing you know better. When you are happy in a happy place no one who is toxic can poison your happiness. I let that happy. And as a young Independent black woman, I am ashamed of that. According to his twitter rants, I’m made out to the be “The Crazy Ex”. I’m made out to seem as if I want him back and was jealous of his new relationship. The problem is that’s false. When you as a woman know better, you start to do better. I can sit here and talk about the million things that I have done for him. But that wouldn’t help. The fact of the matter is this, my credit is completely fucked up from the last apartment that “My Ex” and I had in our name together. And now it’s hindering me from doing the things that I want to do in my life. Ladies, this is what I don’t get, as a woman how can you listen to what a man has to say about another woman if you have never met her? Where is the pride and dignity at as a black woman with three kids? I’m 24 years old and damn sure not about to entertain someone who still has “job” at 37 years old and not a “career”. I feel truly embarrassed that I sat there and entertained that whole fight situation. I’m better than that. I have so much more to live for. Since I have my shit together at only 24, to him I will always be “The Crazy Ex”. In the end neither him nor her is worth it. My peaceful ora bubble is broken. I have been taken out my element. He is toxic. Every time I get around him, nothing good comes out. Three weeks back in Chicago and our first time seeing or talking to each other and this happens. So here is to me, for finding some real soul searching to get me back to a peaceful state of mind. Shit happens and life moves on. You just have to know what battles are worth fighting for and judging how flawless my life is right now, this is not.
I woke up this morning in my new bed. In my new apartment. It feels good to be back home. But a part of me is missing New York. But more over I'm happy with my new place. It's the apartment I wanted and dreamed of. As my family and close friends gathered for my HOUSEWARMING to celebrate, I can only imagine what my next big steps will be in life. I spent a whole week not blogging, not working, not thinking about anything else but getting my apartment together. To be honest, it felt great not having to worry about the worries of work. I think that was the break i needed. My last week in New York I curved every guy that wanted to spend time with me. To "My Weed Man" to my "My Bestfriend". I didn't see the purpose of kicking it with them. Didn't feel the passion to. Maybe that is considered a life changing point. Where one could not worry about kicking it with a boo of some sort. I ended my last night in New York in a club hanging around my co workers and the friends I have made. I pulled one of those leave the club and go straight to the airport move. Hung over the next day shopping for my apartment. But I didn't care. I was around my mom and little sis who I truly missed. I woke up a nervous reck on my first day back at the Chicago office. Yes, this was my old stomping ground and I ruled there. But now it's different and new. All new people that I now have to work with. Instead of having a small leadership team, I now have a huge leadership team. One would say I'm not the best team player and while one might say I'm more KNOWLEDGEABLE of processes and procedures than most. I often wondered what challenges they can give me. And truth to be told me being humble and learning is the challenge they are giving me. It's a lot i would like to change in this office but this week I'm focused on learning how they operate. It quite different from the New York office. I don't want to get into that mind set as if I'm an outsider but I also won't dumb myself down of the processes and procedures I know. I'm uncomfortable again. But like my VP stated before, you aren't growing if you're not uncomfortable. So here I am with all my determination, dedication, and motivation going on day two at this office. Trying to make sense of it all.
It's something about her. That's what they all say. It's always something about me. But what is this" something" others refer to? I grew up in a single parent home. No father, just a hard working mother who wanted the world for her child. I was always the social outkast in school. I was tall and skinny with big feet. Seriously; I wore a size 9 in fourth grade. The moment I lost my virginity in 8th grade was something I like to refer to as my creative point. My mom found out and I had a name for myself in the hood. Ashamed of what I put my body through, I begin to write. I wrote poetry. I always good at writing essays in classes. The way one can put words together to make a clear cut description of describing how to make a grilled cheese sandwich-would have your mouth watering as if you were stuck in a hot sand desert alone by yourself. Writing became a voice for me when I sad. Writing became the voice for me when I was happy. Writing was my life during that moment in 8th grade. Before writing I was always the kid that wanted to put on shows. For a long time I thought I was going to be a star in Broadway Theater. Well, that would have been an epic fail considering I can't sing and has to be the only black chick in the world that has no rhythm. Which is crazy to me only because my father is a DJ in Atlanta (or so people say). Like stated previously, I was always the social outkast. Therefore I think that "something" that everyone keeps referring me being an outkast. I always wanted to do more. I always wanted to be more. My family calls me a "drama queen". Well being the fact that I am creatively influenced in writing, I think it was okay that I was drama queen. People always state how much of my life I put out there on this blog. And how crazy I am. Well damn you people! This is who I am. These creative qualities in these situations that I am going through is evolving me into something extraordinary. To all my viewers out there, I hope you guys are ready for more. I'm only 24 and have a lot more life learning creative sensational situations to get through.
Not quote needed...just all smiles...
This move back to Chicago must meant to be. As the final weeks coming to an end, I feel more comfortable and confident then ever. Got the apartment I wanted and a whole team of supporters that have my front and back. Had a dream last night that I was building an empire. My motives, my train of thoughts, the amount of people that I impacted, all in that dream. That dream felt real. So real that I woke up as if I was still on that dream. But for one to build an empire, one must have a vision to create. Yes people, I can create. One of my VP's asked me what is it that I fear. I laughed and said "I don't fear for anything. For I am a black woman, I am feared". I carry that in my back pocket every time I think I can't go one more day. I pull that out and use it against anyone who says I'm young, I have a lot of time ahead of me. In reality, fuck that! Yes, I am young but why not achieve everything I want plus more. Not really feeling the dating scene and honestly that's okay. I know that one is coming soon. So far I can sit here and work on building my empire. So here is to all my goal ambitious people living in their early twenties, you deserve it! Just a morning thought while on the 2 train.
"I often have to remind myself how young I am"..
I have never been this broke before a day in my life. When they say you really can't save money in NYC, you really can't. At this point, I'm tense. My energy level right now is all over the place. I want to focus on myself and this move. But that's the thing that has my energy all over the place is, this move. I remember back to this time last year having this exact same feeling. That feeling of being of pressure at stake running high. That feeling when your back is against the wall and there is no room to breathe. That feeling of emotional under pain. I want to cry about this. But crying won't do anything. I'm nervous and me moving back to Chicago seems so right. I only could think about what could possibly go wrong. Okay people, I know those types of thoughts are not pose to be running through my head but hey what can I say. I am the over emotional creature right now. Just unfollowed "My Ex" on all social media. At this point I can't do a friendship nor a simple conversation. For a person who feels they should not have their personal life private on social media-I'm sorry hunny but posting your new girlfriend as your WCW is not having your personal life private on social media. What makes matters even worse is this damn phone plan we are still on. I want him to get off. Hell I want myself to get off, but the way my money is acting funny right now-it would be best if he stays on and helps to pay the bill. I woke up this morning with that mental state of wanting to be out this "CITY". I need a new change in pace. I need a different start. My mom called me about me about a hospital bill. And I think she knows about the rape incident. She kept asking me questions on why did I go to the hospital that day, I didn't feel like answering so I blowed her and told her I was getting ready for work. Knowing damn well that I was in my bed surfing the web. I'm not ready yet. And her as my mother, I know she wouldn't be ready either. I'm coming up with a plan to make my transition from office to the next as seamless as possible. Lord knows I really want to say "fuck this" and move on to the next. But that's not my character and as young black independent woman that can't be my stance on work. I have to promote two people, get my team trained up, work out problems, and be emotional and intellectual sane-all while moving to a different state. My life is tough right now. And some days I want to curse people out. (For no reason at all). Yesterday I cursed this lady out for working too slow in front of me. Yes people, it's that bad! But you know what, that's life! In life, something's might not go as planned and there might be times you have your back against the world. And the ground beneath you starts to shake and crack; it's going to be up to you to figure it all out. You know what they say, when life through you lemons, make lemonade. Well hell, I making a shit ton of lemonade and I'm selling it all right here on this blog. So here is to the people out there living in New York with 500 dollars in their account patiently waiting on pay day. Don't give up. Don't look back. Trust yourself. I'm 23 and rolling with these punches. For everything that I am not, made me everything I am.
“I go out to drink and sleep with different men because I just wanna fuck to feel pretty again..”
I told myself I wasn’t going to cry about. I told myself I wasn’t going to think about it. But how can I not when “My Ex” is in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with. Where did this come from, I have no idea. It some what hurts, but I must admit I have to much going on with my career and another big move to dwell on it. But I will say to him, “I was the one, that was there for you”. And some how I thought us getting back together will make me feel pretty again. I woke up at 3am, realizing a lot about the guys that I date or deal with. In the end, it was all about sex. Ran into “My Prince” a week ago at the club. It was no conversation, just a hello. I offered to buy him a drink, but he declined. I guess he found out what happened between his cousin and I. Truth be told I only was talking to his cousin to get an idea of who you was dating. But like one of my male friend’s said, if a guy kicks you out his car that means he don’t give a shit about you. To “My Prince”, I wanted no one but you. You kept blowing the “relationship” off with us. I felt you only wanted sex, not me. I had feelings for you, you gave me life and I felt pretty again. “To my Love”, I can’t it coming down my eyes, so I gotta make this blog cry. To “My Best friend”, I wish you nothing but the best with her. To the “cousin of the cousin”, we will always have that connection but you will never be able to provide me with more. With all these men, I just wanted to feel pretty again. But what I realized since I am the daughter of a bastard, its gong to take more than just a pretty face and a nice ass to find the right one. You wanna know what is amazing to me, the amount of time I spent on having sex versus someone getting to know the real me. Or further more me getting to know myself. Getting to see what is the greater part of me. What I want, what I like, what makes them want more than sex. I'm going to practice celibacy. I want to know the greater part of me. The conversation I had with my "Weed Man" has placed my mind on a different thinking level. Sex is weak drug for the mind. As a woman, I often have sex for a relief of stress. I have gotten nothing but positive feedback from people who have told about my decision. And just like this move, this choice feels right as well. Another journey another state another life choice I am making. It's 3am and I'm sitting here writing this. I couldn't sleep for he has mind super weak. He was my first love. But what's the point of holding on to the past when the chemistry isn't there anymore. As a woman, we all know how that might end. She is one of those women I will never trust and understand. So here is to me for being another black woman that wants to feel pretty again by a black man.
"And this is just part one"......