Pretty Again..

“I go out to drink and sleep with different men because I just wanna fuck to feel pretty again..”
–My 3AM thoughts

I told myself I wasn’t going to cry about. I told myself I wasn’t going to think about it. But how can I not when “My Ex” is in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with.  Where did this come from, I have no idea. It some what hurts, but I must admit I have to much going on with my career and another big move to dwell on it. But I will say to him, “I was the one, that was there for you”. And some how I thought us getting back together will make me feel pretty again. I woke up at 3am, realizing a lot about the guys that I date or deal with. In the end, it was all about sex.  Ran into “My Prince” a week ago at the club. It was no conversation, just a hello. I offered to buy him a drink, but he declined. I guess he found out what happened between his cousin and I. Truth be told I only was talking to his cousin to get an idea of who you was dating. But like one of my male friend’s said, if a guy kicks you out his car that means he don’t give a shit about you. To “My Prince”, I wanted no one but you. You kept blowing the “relationship” off with us. I felt you only wanted sex, not me. I had feelings for you, you gave me life and I felt pretty again. “To my Love”, I can’t it coming down my eyes, so I gotta make this blog cry. To “My Best friend”, I wish you nothing but the best with her. To the “cousin of the cousin”, we will always have that connection but you will never be able to provide me with more. With all these men, I just wanted to feel pretty again. But what I realized since I am the daughter of a bastard, its gong to take more than just a pretty face and a nice ass to find the right one. You wanna know what is amazing to me, the amount of time I spent on having sex versus someone getting to know the real me. Or further more me getting to know myself. Getting to see what is the greater part of me. What I want, what I like, what makes them want more than sex. I'm going to practice celibacy. I want to know the greater part of me. The conversation I had with my "Weed Man" has placed my mind on a different thinking level. Sex is weak drug for the mind. As a woman, I often have sex for a relief of stress. I have gotten nothing but positive feedback from people who have told about my decision. And just like this move, this choice feels right as well. Another journey another state another life choice I am making. It's 3am and I'm sitting here writing this. I couldn't sleep for he has mind super weak. He was my first love. But what's the point of holding on to the past when the chemistry isn't there anymore. As a woman, we all know how that might end. She is one of those women I will never trust and understand. So here is to me for being another black woman that wants to feel pretty again by a black man. 

"And this is just part one"......