“Sometimes you have to meet people where they at, At the same time honor your boundaries”.
-GLC the Ism
I have to admit my energy has been all over the place lately. And today I’m in one strange mood. I always get like this when my finances aren’t in the right order. I wish I would have taken another bar gig when I had them on the table. Now, look at me, wondering how can I get another bar gig. If I should even get another bar gig? Should I go back into retail? All of this plus my vivid dreams of guys that I have dated in my past. What does this mean? Me being the curious thing I am, I googled it. I don’t miss any of my ex's personally, but in some ways, I do miss the way they all treated me. But I would never go back not even to “This One.” See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I lied when I said I didn’t want to date anymore for the rest of 2018. So here goes to the first guy I started dating after “This one” and after “DJ.” Ladies and Gents meet “The Promoter.” Now I didn’t want to date anyone in the industry, but he gets me. He understands that I have might have to get my booty rubbed on to get that extra $100 tip while doing bottle service. He understands the grind the hustle I put into working within the service industry.
Moreover when I complain I about my job, he always turns it into a positive and makes me see the bigger picture. But the fact that he wants to now slow down on spending time together because he needs to get his life in order makes me feel a way. Even though after our first date how I expressed to him maybe we should just be friends. When it comes down to it, all it took was a simple face to face conversation, some great makeup sex, and for him to tell me that right now I’m number 1. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Besides the promoter, there is also “The Jamaican.” After my last altercations with a Jamaican and Haitian in New York, I stopped dating any West Indie people. Until he changes his perspective on my career choice, I could never see myself long-term with him. The sex is amazing, but I will continue only to date him. Had my second experience with a football player. He stood me up on our first date because I told him that I didn’t want to have sex with him on the first night. Unless you are throwing money, my answer will be no. I didn’t even fuck “The Jamaican” or “The Promoter” on the first night. But I did have to tell another guy that I don’t suck dick because the sex was wack only to make him leave. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
After getting that strange letter in the mail regarding my trademark, It’s time for me to buckle down and focus. Had a great event planning session and proud to say, my next event will be December 9th. Everything happens for a reason. I like the bar/club that I am working at because of the connections I am making. Even though the money isn’t always there, I will continue to stay. Had the pleasure of serving some great Athletics, Rappers, Actors, and Actresses. I know how to network and will always stand behind, “Your network is your net worth.” Like my homie, GLC told me, “Shine baby. Patience is a virtue”. And honestly, I don’t have a choice but to let this little light of mine shine. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“We all have story to tell. Its just the way you go about doing it. ”. -2 am Thoughts
A lot has changed in the past month. Basically, it was my cleaning up house month. Cubs season is officially over. I’m moving to a different apartment soon. I made a life-changing decision for my body and health. I’m deciding which bar I would like to continue the rest of the year at. And I am officially done with “This One.” There were a couple of days where I found myself stressing over my choices. But then I thought to myself, these are not bad things to stress about. These are good things. At times you might to have to take a couple of steps back to put you right where you need to be in the future. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
As a woman, you should always listen to your intuition. And my intuition about “This One” was clear. For the third time, he has wasted my time. I knew he was dating but didn’t know he was a serious committed relationship. All it took was a lie and a scenario and boom! I caught him up. I told him that I met a girl who claimed they were in a relationship together. I even described how the girl looked. He said, “impossible because the girl that I’m with was with me last night.” Before you knew it, all hell broke loose on my end. I’m not upset at the fact that he is in a relationship. I’m more upset at the point he didn’t tell me. They have been together for 3 months. But we have hung out in those three months. As much as I don’t want to believe, this situation-ship was tonic too. I wasn’t strong enough to say no in certain instances thus him assuming that I would be okay with him having his cake and eating it too. I was sad for a bit, but like others, I will get over him as well. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Of course, I moved on someone else. Someone is who is my type, “Renaissance Man.” I met “Renaissance Man” during a shift at the club. We went out for a cocktail at 2 am. I liked our conversation, I liked him. He was my total package deal, and he lived four buildings down from me. I decided to see go him one Sunday after work. I also decided to drink a lot on Sunday after work. I was horny, still hurt from “This One” and was ready! I slightly blacked out and apparently told him, “I charge for sex but I not gonna charge you.” Two days later I texted him and told him we should be friends he didn’t agree, but it's for the best. For the rest of this year, I’m going to stick to the dudes that I do know and that includes fucking around with “DJ” once again. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I’m happy to be surrounded by black women in power again. At the company I use to work, my operations manager was a black woman. At the club, both of my managers are black women. It’s a difference working for black women because they genuinely see the potential in you and gives you extra gems in life to succeed in that industry. I love working in the bar/service industry. And not a lot of people can say they actually enjoy what they do. I was having dinner with one of my best friends, and she also loves the work she does, and that’s the only reason why she is still with her company. But we know how to make money, we know how to run operations, why aren’t we out trying to own something? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“I’m not here to suck on anybody’s dick. Sorry I got my own shit to worry about”.
When I left corporate, I wanted to be in an industry where I can be myself. And I found that being in the bar life. Yes, like any industry you have ups and downs. The most important factor is to always remember not to lose yourself in the money. Meaning being happy in whatever establishment you decide to work in. You being happy equals better tips and more money. But you have to be satisfied and enjoy the environment that you are in. I have already established that I am not fine dinning material. Not that I can’t be. I just don’t want to be. Call it me being stuck in my ways, but I enjoy the simple menus and fast, quick, tasteful cocktails. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
As baseball season starts to dwindle down, I have to think of my next steps. Ideally, I would like to work at three different bars. Three different clienteles, three different environments, three different ways I can make money. Three different bars five days out the week. Maybe if I feel up to it, I can pick up an extra shift or two on my off days. As of now, I’m in control of my money. I dictate which establishments have certain days. It’s all about having some type of control in my life so I can focus on my brand. When I was working at a bar and corporate, I felt I had no control over my life. I was working 7 days out the week and didn’t have any time to myself. And we all need that “time to ourselves.” Time to regroup, meditate, shed off the energy and vibes from others especially working in a customer service face to face industry. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I told myself the rest of these months in 2018 will be to set myself up for 2019. I have bigger dreams and bigger goals. It sucks some days not having a companion. But I have some sort of peace of mind when it comes to dating and not worry about if he's out there fucking another chick or not. Like the fantastic actress, Eartha says, “A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned not to compromise for.” “I fell in love with myself, and I want someone to share me with me.” See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Definition of table
: a piece of furniture consisting of a smooth flat slab fixed on legs
b (1) : a group of people assembled at or as if at a table
(2) : a legislative or negotiating session
(2) : an act or instance of assembling to eat : meal
I am officially done with retail yet once again. I got another job at a brand new bar with a club like atmosphere just like I wanted. It’s crazy when I thought was on the verge of getting deeper into my depression, I get something I wanted. It feels good to know that I will be working in three different bars but will have two consistent days off in a row. I will be basically making my own schedule which is something I like versus waiting on waiting on different job schedules not knowing if I will actually have an off day or not. My mind is little more at ease, and once I start doing bottle service, my mind will be even more at ease. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
My career is finally getting back on track can’t say the same thing about my love life. It’s not one guy that can hold my interest at this point. And maybe it’s because of the depression. I haven’t heard from “My Love” in two months. Not surprised honestly. It’s been the same thing for eleven years. We get back on good terms for a couple of months then he goes ghost on me. And when I finally do talk back to him, he is in a whole relationship. It’s okay; I fell for it again. Time to move on officially. Went to the Happy Place with “This One.” I thought he was going to agree to come up and cuddle and finish talking, but he declined. At this point, I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’m not hanging out with someone who makes me question my worth as a woman or has me looking in the mirror thinking, “what’s wrong with me?” “Why doesn’t he like me like that?” At this point it’s toxic. And I’ve had enough of toxic relationships in my life. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
It’s like I been saying, “you gotta know when to leave the table when you are no longer being served.” I left retail because I didn’t have the passion for it anymore. And corporate life isn’t for me and my personality. And though sometimes I may get a little anxiety talking to tables, after that first greeting I’m golden. If the things aren’t going anywhere between “This One” and I then it’s time for me to leave the situationship where it is. Looking at the expensive vibrator, he brought me for Christmas contemplating if I should throw it away or not. Remembering the reason why I stopped using it because I use to always think of him. When I told him I don’t use it anymore, he said, “let me know when you miss it.” I’m sorry sir but did I not invite you upstairs to cuddle which is an open invitation for sex. And after a year of sitting at this table, the dick is no longer being served. Friendship is okay but can you honestly have a friendship with someone you thought you could see yourself long terms with? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Just a perspective on my life right now. There is a deeper side of me besides the men I date. These are challenges that I face on a day to day basis. Hoping this inspires the next person. Just know you are not alone in this…..
Some days I’m fine I can cope with the world. I feel like everything is going to be okay. I’m pushing through all the obstacles in my life. I’m not worried or stressed about anything because I know everything will turn out in my favor. Then its days like today, where I wake up and feel everything is a horrible dream. How am I going to make it through this month or next? I went on countless job interviews but no one is calling me back. I don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to lay in bed and be by myself. I’m more to myself than I ever was before. I know I have to keep moving because that is the only way to survive through this depression. But damn, all I can think about is “when will it be my time”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
It’s kinda hard when you are on both sides of the fence when it comes to this protest today. One part of me thinks this is going to suck because I’m not going to make money but the other part of me understands why this is taking place and the area its taking place in. I can’t say I’m not nervous about today. And I always think about what if I encounter the wrong table that is more outspoken. I can tell when a table doesn’t want me as their server. But I’m always polite and go the extra mile. What if today is that day I do encounter the outspoken table. I logged off facebook because of the comments pertaining the protest. One person even commented how he will be standing on the sideline with water balloons filled with kitty litter and water. And what’s sad is I might have to serve these people today. Lately, I’m having “eye opening days”. And today was my “eye opening day” about the world. Everyone around me keeps reassuring that I will be okay. But will I really be okay? See the irony in this all the more reasons why not to date her.
“Think I’m truly over the friends with benefits stage in my life”
-My 1am Thoughts
Finally going back to work after being off for the week. Being off for a week kind of put some things in perspective and I was able to go on a couple of job interviews. Praying and staying positive that something will fall through. But for now, it’s all about budgeting and maintaining the main bills. I’m still trying to figure out how to finance this next event. Those thoughts always make me want to sign up for an online site geared towards sugar babies. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Spending this time off work has given me a lot of alone time. I started to think about dating and the people whom I attract. They all want something sexual from me and to hang out from time to time but none of them actually want to be in a serious relationship with me. How do I get them to see that I’m more than just a “fun girl”. I have said this before, “Date me with a purpose”. And now that I am on this whole weight loss peaceful mindset journey, this is the right time for me to practice what I preach. Last night I received five different phones/texts from guys that I mess around with. I choose to ignore, masturbate, go to sleep and woke up the next day to go to the gym. This was all after meditating. So maybe that's what I need to do. I have never felt so balanced after that. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Deep down I was honestly using sex as a way for a guy to validate if I’m attractive or not. But after being on these job interviews and seeing how energy glows, I don’t need it. I ‘m a very sexual person. But I can't keep running around giving it up to every guy that comes along pretends that he is charming and has a big dick. As a young black independent woman, I have to want more than that. One thing I’ve noticed is how protective I was at the gym today of my shoulder. Even when I was the on the bus I held onto the rails very tight because of the fear of trying to brace myself if I fall. Why is it so hard for me as a woman to be that protective of my energy and time when it comes to men? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Good things comes to those who wait”.....-Unknown Person
So it wouldn't be life if I didn't have another major event to happen to me. I dislocated my shoulder and had to call off work for a whole entire week. I cried, screamed, and wanted to pass out. "WHAT THE FUCK!", I thought. How could this be happening? I thought I was on a roll with my life. Doing new things. Working two jobs again. But everything happens for a reason. And whatever this reason is, def has me sitting at home rethinking my life decisions. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
When men are sat in their ways, there is no trying to change them. They may change how they do things with you or towards you but their character will stay the same. And at that moment you gotta realize when to step away or stay. But if you stay you risk wasting your time. Like I said, this week has me re-thinking some life decisions. I think it's time for me to completely break it off with "My Love". After 11 years, he will never change. After 11 years I'm still not the only one. The whole phrase, "I'm good luv enjoy" came out last night in a text after asking who he was going out of town with. Say I'm overreacting if you want to. But ladies let's be real, if he wasn't going out of town with a female then he would have answered the question instead of being argumentative. Here I am in between jobs and with a fractured shoulder and he goes out of town with another female. But then I should have known when he ex-baby mama asked him to pay her rent. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Chicago men are interesting. Yesterday I was walking home from the hair shop. Had my arm in a sling. Minding my own business, I hear "I would fuck the shit out of you with that broken arm shorty".If I wasn't in a crippled state of mind, I would’ve ran. Went out for tacos on Monday with "This One". Nothing sexual happened. But I do miss spending time with him. My best friend asked me would I ever consider going back into a situation-ship with him. And to be honest people, I would but not right now. He is still in the process of trying to find a condo to buy and me, I'm still in between jobs. We both are not ready yet. But I do still masturbate to the thought of him and I having very nasty disrespectful sex. Maybe one we will have a conversation about the future with us but until then I will value our friendship more than anything. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Besides dating, my financial stability also gives me anxiety. And it’s because of the industry I work in. One week you can make over 2,000 and the next you may make only 300. I like working in the industry because I like connecting with people and never know who you may meet. I don't want to work two jobs right now. But if I had to, I wouldn't mind working at two different bars. So here I am stuck between my vision for my life, my goals, and my financial freedom. The best advice that was given to me this week was from my hair stylist. She said, "Tati don't let your pride get in the way of your money". As a black independent young woman, I have hella PRIDE! But if I want work for myself by the time I'm 30, then I have to make a step back. So I am finishing this post up. Getting ready for an interview with a fractured shoulder and a small chat with my old GM. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Fear has a way of paralyzing your decision to execute because of what we think of ourselves”.- Blogger Mattie James
Ladies if you really want to know how a guy feels about you, tell him you’re pregnant and watch his response. Will his response be “okay let's figure this out”. Or, will his response be “Damn!” “Wow”. I guess you can say the “Young Boy’s” response to this was neither. Instead he lashed out exclaiming how he didn’t want a kid by me. At that moment he was officially known as “A BITCH ASS NIGGA!”. Explaining to him back and forth how this is all not my fault (it takes two). And even after telling him I didn’t want to keep it. His actions proved he is not ready for me. I am 27 years old. I have a life, dreams, goals, and bills. I declined the money for him to give me for the abortion. Hell! I will figure this out on my own just like how I always do. Anxiety, depression, and now if only this was true! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
If it’s not one thing it’s another. I walked for the first time in my life. I was given the “opportunity” by my GM to walk out at that moment in the middle of my shift. I did exactly what he said to do, “run my check out”. I couldn’t believe it. All in shock. Tears ran down my face. “This is really happening”, I thought over and over again. I woke up the next day thinking what I could have done to avoid this. Be the calm to the storm and pulled back on my attitude as a black woman? Be the voice to the reasoning and say, “can we talk about this another time we are super busy”? Or just sat there and had no voice to what was being yelled. And even walked away. Everyone keeps telling me how if didn’t happen now, it was bound to happen in the future. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe bar management isn’t my thing. Or maybe I needed a change at that moment and the universe decided this would be my moment of change. Deep inside this feels like a bad break up. Deep inside I want to go back. But I was comfortable there. And we all know in order to grow, you have become uncomfortable. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
(I’m not the type of person to talk openly about my relationship with God. But whatever here it goes).
I saw two post today from a pastor randomly on my Facebook timeline. One was titled “marked”. In this post he talked how sometimes god will use you as a mark. You might become an answer to a problem. Meaning just be patient work on your craft, and things will come to you. Another post was titled “Does “IT” need to end. In this post he talked how a wood doesn’t sharpen a saw but how it makes it dull. Meaning certain relationships have to end because its not making an impact in your life. Crazy as it sounds,both of these popped up when I wanted to cry about my job situation. But then I took a minute to think. I already had another job lined up at another bar for the summer. My work skills alone stood so impressive that when I asked my manager at the clothing store if I could stay a little longer after only having day left in my two weeks notice. I wanted one job that could focus on brand more. I wanted to get out there and see what other bars I could get into. It’s the fear of not finding a bar that I could stay at year round and make decent money. It’s the fear of not having enough finances to progress my brand. It’s the fear of coming into another establishment and not being the one in charge. It’s the fear of, “you’re pushing 30, so you need to figure it out”. It’s the fear of change. It’s the fear of letting go and trusting god. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I keep telling myself we are going to take this one day at time. I can’t change what has happened in the past. It’s best for me to move forward. I keep saying how this feels like a bad break up. It’s the exact same feeling I had when “My Ex” and I moved out. I was scared. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t have a plan. I worked and it got me exactly where I needed to be. It brought out that crafty side of me. After all that break up did help to build this blog. So here is my second bad break up. I love you for you who you and everything you have done for me. Maybe one day we can be different and have closure. But until then..cheers! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“How can you expect for someone else to make you happy, if you yourself don’t know what makes you happy?” -Gabrielle Union
Had a small conversation with myself this morning after looking at countless women empowerment videos yesterday. “Am I truly healed from my past situationships?”. For example, my relationship with “My Ex”. Am I truly healed from it? And all honesty when you are healing, you become okay with being by yourself. I had to be honestly say no, I’m still trying to find the means of being okay by myself. I have a tendency to use work a distraction from what I may be going through in my life. And that’s kind of the reason why I always two jobs. I can wrap myself up in work and not to think about what’s really going on in my life. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I’m one of those random ass females. I will ask you a random question regardless if it makes you uncomfortable. The best way to find out some shit is asking questions. So I asked every guy that I have been dealing within the past couple of months, “What is somethings that I do or have done that turns you off”. Pretty much every guy was shocked but was completely honest with me. The only one that didn’t answer my question was “This One”. He sent back the rolled eye emoji and told me “goodnight”. That people is what really piss me off. JUST BE FUCKING HONEST!! Usually I would’ve been a little firecracker and popped off. But this time instead I just said, “okay”. I’m not giving CPR to any more dead situations with him. And I know I say that often but I really need to start healing from him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I guess you can say the “Young Boy” has forgiven me from that drunken night because he has agreed to go on this “Date” with me. Am I nervous yes. Do I feel like he will stand me up, yes! But after us talking on the phone for 2 hours yesterday about life in general. I think we will be okay. One factor I have discovered about the “The Young Boy” is he’s a very emotional person. And he has some things he needs to heal from as well. So today while we are out, I don’t want neither one of us to think about life. Just to truly enjoy each other's company. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I haven’t received any call backs from the bars I did interview with. I’m okay with taking a break and only work one job right now. I have so much I could do. My anxiety has been really through the roof and I feel it’s my body telling me to slow down and actually sleep. So yesterday I called off work and did nothing but sleep and meditate. Self care is the best care. And while you are in your healing process just remember you gotta take care of you first! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest” -Kanye West
I would never forget the morning I wanted to kill myself. I was having a major panic attack. That weekend my anxiety was all over the place. I had just started a new job and wasn’t ready to start back working two jobs but I did because in my mind that was the only way for me to get over somethings that was going on. I was depressed. That entire month of October I was getting really drunk. Like black out drunk and going to work constantly with a hangover. The day before I was hungover all day. That’s when the thoughts of killing myself appeared. I thought, “was is life?” “I’m not shit and will never be shit for anyone”. The knife was in my hand but I couldn’t do it. “This One” had called me back since he was on his way to work. I broke down crying and told him I was having another panic attack. He immediately got me an uber to the hospital. When I was in the hospital among other suicidal patients, they took away all of our belongings and isolated us separate rooms. I saw five different therapist that day. They all agreed that I wasn’t a suicidal person. But just needed therapy. I went to one therapy session and was done. Should’ve stayed going but that shit cost and at that time I wasn’t insured. Listening to Kanye’s new album brought back all the memories and thoughts of that time. I’m happy that I didn’t decide to cute my throat. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Now that is off my chest, let me bring you people up to speed. I gave my month’s notice to the clothing store. Honestly, I felt good about it. I like working there but just not happy and I need something a little more flexible with my lifestyle. Today I have one interview lined up and going to drop off my resumes at other places. I am praying that I land something within the next week or so. Step one, believe in yourself (check!). Step two, go after and get it! I’m still going to work at the bar because I am a manager there. Even though there are days that I want to quit it's something about my GM that brings me back in. Maybe because that no matter what he believes in me and always there when I need ear or advice. Besides like my old Assistant manager told me, “sometimes it's not about what position you can get next, but more so learning all you can in the position that you are in now”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So I’m pretty sure you all wondering about the men that I am dating. Let me make this quick for you. “Him” has a girlfriend and I’m just now finding out about her. I was surprised when I found out and I did the “Why not me” thing. But in the end, had to chuck up the deuces and keep it moving. “My Love” and I are still trying to figure out this whole long distance thing. At least I am talking to him more often now. “The Young Boy” and I started messing back around for a week. Then I got drunk and sent him an angry text because he didn’t want to go out with me one night. Now he is back not talking to me. And Honestly, I care but then again I don’t. You are not about to fuck me, use me for ubers, and come to the bar thinking you are going to drink for free when you feel like it. And I’m trying to be civil with him while we are at work but the petty person in me is trying to come out. I faked blocked “This One” for two days. Only because he wasn’t being honest with me. I would respect you more if you are honest about what you are doing. So I called him out on his bullshit and then blocked him. I unblocked him but honestly don’t care if he contacts to me. We vibe and fucks with each other. But sometimes you gotta protect your energy at all cost. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I shot my promo video for my blog this past saturday. I am excited to see the finish production on it. I appreciate all the women that came out and shared their story on why they are single. After the shoot I went to sleep I was tired. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm. I was tired woke up this morning feeling a little refreshed. I was exhausted after working three weeks straight. Today is my day to regroup, refocus, and regain some energy that I lost. We as humans all have our dark days. But remember at the end of every dark tunnel there is the light. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
More than just a blogger is what she calls herself. Tatiana at the current age of 26 has built a blog based on her life. She touches on juggling love relationships, dating, family, and a successful career. Trying to find the common ground balance of them of all, she finds herself in sticky situations every time. Although she is learning to see the brighter side of things and holding herself accountable of her life, Tatiana is hoping her growth in her 20s will leave a powerful impact amongst other young women out there.