Day 89.....

“Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is leave them alone. Not because you don’t care, but because you do. And their evolvement is important, even if they evolve past you.”
–Rae Holiday 

​I came home Monday after work wanting to be in complete silence. I usually never sleep in silence but that night I did. Tuesday I walked around the house and sat in silence again. I had to gather my thoughts from the past weekend and what was going on with my family. I needed to take a break from the world. My best friend came over on Tuesday. We smoked a blunt and took nap. I forgot how when smoking then going to sleep makes you wake up feeling a little refreshed. I loved it. So now instead of drinking a glass of wine every night. I might hit the blunt a couple of times and go to sleep.
 
Saw “DJ” over the weekend. He came over and almost missed his flight. As bad as I want things to go back as they use to, it won’t. And at this point it never will. He is just someone I like to fuck on from time to time. I officially broke it off with “Him” and I guess you can say “The Other Guy” as well. I hired “Him” as my personal trainer for the week. Thinking, this could be a bonding moment for us. Instead it wasn’t. Even though the argument was over something really small, I’m mad at the fact he would question my loyalty to “Him”.  And the “Other Guy” is just an asshole. I am attracted to assholes and always have been. But right now with all the changes going on in my life, I can’t deal with another asshole. So I let the “Other Guy” go as well. Maybe it’s just not our time yet. Or maybe he really is getting back with ex. whatever it is, Saturday night I felt him taking me out my element. I need to keep my sanity in order because I don’t have any off days until the middle of April.
 
Although I have come to terms that I am not ready to date anyone yet, it’s bittersweet. I want companionship while also focusing on my next career move. The month of March had a lot of downs than ups and I’m so ready for this month to be over with. This month has truly tested my ability to not carry other people worries as my own. And I did for the entire month. I woke up yesterday still in silence and decided I’m not doing that anymore. If it disturbs my inner peace and my wellbeing, I don’t want it in my life period.  
 
With everything else that is going on with my family and my best friend, I really want this month to be over for us. And I really need that trip to Vegas to clear my head even more. I can sense my family being worried about me because I haven’t talked to anyone. I’m fine; I just need some time away from people. I woke up again today not wanting to go to work. I think at this point, I’m truly over it. But I’m still going to hold on till May 1st.  I’m still putting out applications out there as my Plan B.  Can’t say I’m not worried but I am. Like Author Chris Bogan says, “The goal isn’t more money. The goal is living life at your terms”. And maybe that’s why you shouldn’t date her.