“The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest” -Kanye West
I would never forget the morning I wanted to kill myself. I was having a major panic attack. That weekend my anxiety was all over the place. I had just started a new job and wasn’t ready to start back working two jobs but I did because in my mind that was the only way for me to get over somethings that was going on. I was depressed. That entire month of October I was getting really drunk. Like black out drunk and going to work constantly with a hangover. The day before I was hungover all day. That’s when the thoughts of killing myself appeared. I thought, “was is life?” “I’m not shit and will never be shit for anyone”. The knife was in my hand but I couldn’t do it. “This One” had called me back since he was on his way to work. I broke down crying and told him I was having another panic attack. He immediately got me an uber to the hospital. When I was in the hospital among other suicidal patients, they took away all of our belongings and isolated us separate rooms. I saw five different therapist that day. They all agreed that I wasn’t a suicidal person. But just needed therapy. I went to one therapy session and was done. Should’ve stayed going but that shit cost and at that time I wasn’t insured. Listening to Kanye’s new album brought back all the memories and thoughts of that time. I’m happy that I didn’t decide to cute my throat. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Now that is off my chest, let me bring you people up to speed. I gave my month’s notice to the clothing store. Honestly, I felt good about it. I like working there but just not happy and I need something a little more flexible with my lifestyle. Today I have one interview lined up and going to drop off my resumes at other places. I am praying that I land something within the next week or so. Step one, believe in yourself (check!). Step two, go after and get it! I’m still going to work at the bar because I am a manager there. Even though there are days that I want to quit it's something about my GM that brings me back in. Maybe because that no matter what he believes in me and always there when I need ear or advice. Besides like my old Assistant manager told me, “sometimes it's not about what position you can get next, but more so learning all you can in the position that you are in now”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So I’m pretty sure you all wondering about the men that I am dating. Let me make this quick for you. “Him” has a girlfriend and I’m just now finding out about her. I was surprised when I found out and I did the “Why not me” thing. But in the end, had to chuck up the deuces and keep it moving. “My Love” and I are still trying to figure out this whole long distance thing. At least I am talking to him more often now. “The Young Boy” and I started messing back around for a week. Then I got drunk and sent him an angry text because he didn’t want to go out with me one night. Now he is back not talking to me. And Honestly, I care but then again I don’t. You are not about to fuck me, use me for ubers, and come to the bar thinking you are going to drink for free when you feel like it. And I’m trying to be civil with him while we are at work but the petty person in me is trying to come out. I faked blocked “This One” for two days. Only because he wasn’t being honest with me. I would respect you more if you are honest about what you are doing. So I called him out on his bullshit and then blocked him. I unblocked him but honestly don’t care if he contacts to me. We vibe and fucks with each other. But sometimes you gotta protect your energy at all cost. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I shot my promo video for my blog this past saturday. I am excited to see the finish production on it. I appreciate all the women that came out and shared their story on why they are single. After the shoot I went to sleep I was tired. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm. I was tired woke up this morning feeling a little refreshed. I was exhausted after working three weeks straight. Today is my day to regroup, refocus, and regain some energy that I lost. We as humans all have our dark days. But remember at the end of every dark tunnel there is the light. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“If ur not creative, don’t fall in love with a creative...Save yourself”
I took a break from this blog to make sure my overall life goals are lining up in my current roles. And to be honest, after spending some time alone to think about things moving back to New York is not right move for me. If my end result is to make money off this blog, why move to another state where I would be working up to three jobs just to live comfortably. Not saying I could potentially land a gig where I could put all that to rest, but I know the person I am. I like working at least two jobs because it keeps me busy and as sad as it may sound, “out of trouble”. For the past month, I have sleeping by myself and working on myself. Didn’t realize it was a year since I left my old company and starting bartending full time. One of my old coworkers texted me and asked me how do I feel about it. To be honest I am happy. Sometimes money is stressful because you never know what type of week you may end up with. But working at the bar has taught me a lot about people in the world and how to become a better hustler and a manipulative person. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
The other reason why I have been spending so much time alone is because of my long distance relationship with “My Love”. Even though we have our problems to work out, I don’t want to do anything that would interfere with us. The other day I got really mad because I wanted to see him over the weekend. Our schedule didn’t match up. As a matter of fact, its not matching up until June. Then in June he will have his kids for the summer. I really wanted to take a baecation before his kids came back for the summer. Maybe one day he will surprise me for the weekend. Maybe one day, I will come home and he will be here waiting for me. But I don't want to get my hopes up. All I can day is take this day by day. And hopefully in the end this will be all worth it. I just wish he would call/text (check in) with me more often. But like I said we both work a lot but then again should that prompt us to make time to check in with each other more right? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Next we have my hormones raging like a 14 year old going through puberty of course. Ever experience a wet dream that was so good. It felt real. In fact real enough to the point where I woke up in the position I thought I was having sex in (missionary from the back). And lately they have been coming like clock worth. Now, I have thought about going through my phone book and dialing up some numbers. Then the thoughts of why I stopped talking to them in the first place always crosses my mind. It’s like I have a conscious on having sex. WHO THE FUCK AM I NOW?! Recently “This One” and I have been back on talking terms. And though I miss our sex, think about our sex while masurabting, and he has the been the guy multiple times in my wet dreams; I can’t get over the fact how much of my time he wasted. And even though I want to tell him all my sexual desires (because he loved it when I did that), I can’t stop thinking what if he doesn’t feel the same. Like I can’t imagine someone rejecting sex from me. And honestly don’t want to get denied sex. That would be one of the worst feelings in the world as a female. So I am going to keep all my nasty little thoughts to myself and try to move on. But I am Tati and I am known to be ticking bomb. So are going to watch our liquor consumption and patiently wait until “My Love” and I have some time. I just feel very sorry for his penis when we do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
This long distance relationship is actually really good for me. I’m spending more time in the gym, wanting to come home and actually sleep instead of being out all night, and finally, being able to get up and write this blog. Getting in tune with myself is what I am calling it. Not sure how to end this post. But I am ending it. Its my off day and I have a billion things I want to do. So until next time people, keep ya nasty thoughts to yourself, drink water, and eat right. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“It’s easy to mess around when you have someone, its hard when you try to make him that someone”. -My Big Cousin Joy
And after that trip our situationship might take a lot more work than I thought…
I was actually ready to come back home from Indianapolis. It snowed the entire day on Saturday, plus you need a car to get everywhere, and there is nothing really to do. I was ready to get back to the city and make money. I was happy that I could spend time with “My Love” but on the flip side of things we are two completely different people. For example, he is the type of person to stay in. I am okay with staying in maybe a day or when its really chilly out. But the next day I need to be out doing something. Saturday it snowed which I understood why we stayed in, but on Sunday I thought we were going to be out. Instead we got dinner went to a bar and I had one drink then went back to his crib. It wasn’t nothing special nor romantic as I thought it would be. I thought I would be greeted at the train station with flowers, hug, and a kiss. But instead he was 20 min late picking me up and with his friends. Trust me people I am not complaining at all but I have known “My Love” since I was 17 and I expected more out of him. His friends were cool so I didn’t mind. It wasn’t until Saturday when he started picking arguments with me. Now, I am not the one to pick arguments anymore myself, but I have done it so often that I can tell when someone is picking one just to pick it. It wouldn’t have turned into several arguments if he would have watched his tone with me. I am an emotional creature when it comes down to it. At times I can dish it and take it but when it comes to “My Love”, I can’t take it. After one argument on Sunday night, I went to the bathroom and cried. I came out and went to sleep. Didn’t say anything to him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I can honestly say this, sleeping all day on saturday was the best! I needed that recovery from St Pattys day weekend. And to be honest, my anxiety has been through the roof so my sleep pattern has been off. I missed cuddling and “My Love” is definitely a cuddler all the way. It was times were I look over at him and thought, “All these years and here we are finally” and how much I loved him as a man. I also thought, “Damn all these years and now he wants me after pushing me away for chicks that basically used him”. Next I thought, “but he so damn sexy, and the sex is amazing, finally after all these years I have the opportunity to make him mine”. But after his attitude with me asking why does he love me, made me reconsider about all of our years. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I love him. No denial in that. But after spending a weekend together, I can tell he still thinks i'm the 17 year old Tati he first met. I want “My Love” to understand that I have grown so much since then. He needs to take the time to learn the new woman that I am today and not the woman that I was years ago. He needs to understand what type of woman I am when it comes to a relationship vs the person I am when we were fucking around. I dont wanna throw in the towel yet because we have all these years. But we if we are relying on all these years and if that something we are holding on to, then we will never get to experience the true virtue of us! Besides after “The Young Boy” sent me off when I got back on Monday makes me not want to waste my time on anyone anymore. See the irony this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Just a small update for my readers...it’s only right”...
Its 2:50 and instead of me waking up out of a luxurious nap, I’m here blogging. My sleep pattern lately has been all off. It's going to be even more off this weekend. I am literally working doubles back to back 9am until 3am and hoping to get at least 3 hours of sleep in between. I’m not complaining because I need the money. And if you have been following this blog then you know how much of a workaholic I am. I have no time for anyone this week. I guess you can say I’m trying to get back to the old me. Being alone and working. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I told myself this week I was stop drinking since im working doubles. And after last Sunday I just might. According to my best friend, I called myself trying to pop up at “This One” birthday party at a strip club. I was drunk out of mind and basically angry since I wasn’t invited. I then called the “Young Boy” to come over. But he didn’t want to. I cursed him out. I said some really mean things including threatening his job. I next called “DJ” to come over. I rolled with the next morning with him laying next to me. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I went to get a massage for the first time. I figured this would be a better alternative for my anxiety than working out. And it worked. But you want to know what crazy people, I woke up Wednesday angry. I sat on the side of my bed and cried. I felt angry with myself that I allowed all these guys to take up my energy. I was in a happy place before I met “This One”. But I used “The Young Boy” as a distraction from “This One”. And then I called “DJ” because I felt lonely, horny, and drunk. I have to protect my energy! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I wish I could sit and type more but now its pushing 320 and I need to shower and leave out for work. It’s going to be a long weekend. But maybe this is the distraction that I need. To work and be at peace with myself. The hardest thing in life is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s called growth. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Not everyone is meant to join your journey”
-Drunken Monday Night thoughts….
It’s finally over! And I did it! Prior to turning 27 I planned and executed an event that would change my blog for the better. And I must admit people, it was a lot of stress, and sleepless nights. But at least my anxiety didn’t get in the way of it all. It was fun and I made sure the people there had a great time. Even though there were some minor hiccups in the mix, my team and I still pulled it off. I was kind of upset that my best male friend didn’t fly in for it. He would have made sure those hiccups were cleared and would have taken care of them. But I am the more grateful that he made my vision with all my graphics designs come to life. Like my other male friend said, this event is going to make me grow a lot more. And by the end of it, I am going to look at life, relationships, and partnerships in a different perspective. He was right! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
One person I am surprised at that stayed by side was “My Love”. He came in from Indianapolis and calmed me down that morning. He made sure I was straight. Another one I am surprised at is “The Young Boy”. I had him working at the event at the last minute. But he showed up and supported me all the way. You would think with those two at my event as well two other guys I am talking to, I would be in a world of trouble. But I wasn’t. And as a thank you I made them all take shots together with me. I worked the crowd and danced with each of them. None of them said anything but I think “The Young Boy” peeped “My Love” and I leaving. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
The next day “My Love” and I decided it was finally time to have “that talk”. You know that “what are we doing talk”. According to him I am indecisive in choosing men and that I never come visit him. So later that night I booked a train ticket to go see him in a couple of weeks. Could this be the relationship I need? A long distance relationship? The night before my birthday I went out and had one too many drinks with a friend. I called “The Young Boy” and i’m guessing I spilled all my feelings out for him. I don’t remember what I said but he was more confused than mad at me. That morning “This One” took me to work. I told about my event and “My Love”. We kissed when I was getting out the car but when I reached over to give him another one he pulled back. I guess that was a one time thing. Later that night I thought “The Young Boy” was going to come over but after giving me the run around spill, I snapped. I told him I felt like I was begging and I’m not that type of woman. He replied, “okay then”. I came home and went to sleep. The next day at work, I ignored the shit out of him. Looks like he still has a lot of growing up to do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I’m officially 27. I remember when my mom was this age. She was always going out to the clubs. The young me thought I was going to be the same. But instead here I am blogging and trying to figure out my next event to plan. I told myself I was not going to make any career changing moves until May or June. I still have to weigh out my options when it comes to working at the bar or going back to the corporate environment fully. Moreover I am proud of myself. I accomplished my first big goal of the year. But like I always say, when my career flourishes my love life sucks. And since I am becoming more in the spotlight, it sucks even more. I want to call “The Young Boy” and tell him the reason why I am upset but then again, would it even matter? Like with “This One” shit is getting real and when shit gets real the fun stops. Our fun is stopping. And even though I don’t want it to end because I see the full potential man that he could be. But maybe he is not meant for this journey with me yet. He still has a lot of growing to do. It's like the same thing “My Love” said to me a couple of years ago, “Once you as a person become ready then we will be ready”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So after being up since 2am..I decided to write…
There he was standing in my doorway for the second time with items that belong to me. Here we go again. The final goodbye. I told “This One” to come in so we can talk. I wanted more answers to why he wanted to end our situationship. But he gave me the run around answer of “if we didn’t end it now, then how else would we have ended it”. Thinking back to it, he was ready to end it. For whatever reason, he wasn’t happy. Maybe he wanted more. Maybe he was tired of doing what we do? I thought about the last time we had sex, and I didn’t swallow when he wanted me to. Could this be why? I am not sexual enough for him? I did everything different. I cared for him. I respected him as a man. After our convo, I asked him if he still wanted to go to the show that I bought tickets for. His reply, “No”. I asked him if he was coming to my event. His reply, “No, I have something else planned for that day”. “This One” really want out! He left and I sat alone in my kitchen and cried thinking back to my past relationships when I gave my all. But is my all enough? Will I ever be enough for “This One” or for any man that I could potentially see myself in a serious committed relationship with? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
At least I have “The Young Boy” to depend when I just need some extra company. I told “The Young Boy” about my conversation with “This One”. I also told him I cried. He told me I deserve a lot better and that whole situation wasn’t my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It felt good to hear that coming from a guy who I am sexually active with but also have a great commutative friendship with. With “The Young Boy”, our situationship is different. I mean it’s sexual but we are very open and comfortable with talking to each other about current relationships with other people. I know he has a chick he is going to be serious with and when that time comes we will end it. I asked him if she knows about us. His reply, “No and she doesn’t need to know. I have needs and she is a virgin”. Is it bad that he sleeps with me but have a love connection with her. But after he told me we don’t always have to sex every time we hang out made me feel a little better. But then again, I have needs too! And if he okay with it then so I am. The other night we smoked and cuddled the entire night. No sex! I woke up next to him holding me. I have never felt better. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I would say this planning this event has made me grow up a lot. Everyday there is something different. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed and nervous. I decided to add another promotion team on it to create more buzz. I would love to collect all the money for myself but this is my first event and going into it I knew I was going to lose money. I was talking to one of my managers about depression and how people have to find some type of hobby that brings enjoyment to their life. So on days where I feel unsure about my event because of my nerves, I think about how I am investing in myself and how that brings enjoyment to me. I had to make some tough decisions with this event. I have and entire team looking at me for direction. It kinda feels like I am an CEO and that what I like. It’s going on 5am and I wish I would have wrote this sooner. Maybe I would have fallen back asleep by now. As I am laying in my bed, I thought I was going to have it all by the time I turn 27: the career of my dreams, the love of my life, and working towards marriage. But you can’t have it all well at least not at once. And everytime I think I have it all, my love life fails but career succeeds. What does this mean? Is it the type of men I am dating or is it really me? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself”....-Laurence Sterne
-I wasn’t ready to face the facts but let this be my last cry over him….
So it happened. Once I thought I was going to have my cake and eat it too, I received a text message from “This One” telling me we should just be friends. After I sent him a screenshot of the tickets I bought him for Valentine's day. Random I thought. Maybe he is going through some things in his personal life I thought. But when I asked him what was his reasoning, he said he didn't want to complicate things. Meaning feelings are just going to get even more involved and how would we feel if one of us was to get into a serious relationship with someone else. But from my understanding this is something we both wanted. A simple friendship with benefits. For us to hang out, chill, and have great sex. For us just to be happy! It hurts only because “This One” says he has been thinking about this for a minute. But in my defense, I asked him if he was okay with us and where we are last week when he spent the night. WHAT THE FUCK! I instantly broke down. Again I thought. “AGAIN!”, I screamed through the phone. “You are doing this to me again. After I let you back into my life”. “T i’m sorry”, He said. I was mad at myself. What was it that made him decide this at that moment. Is it me? Is it another chick? Did I do something wrong? I gave you what you wanted. And it still wasn’t enough. I did everything for you to show that I was different and it still wasn’t enough. Now I’m looking myself in the mirror thinking about the woman I am today. Will I ever be enough? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I remember the mental space I was at last October when this happened to us before. I was all over the place. Drinking heavy. Crying every two seconds. I don’t want that this time around. And let’s be honest. The signs were there. But as a woman that wears her heart on her sleeve, I choose to ignore them. I knew what to expect letting him back in my life. But I did it anyway and ignored the proceed with caution signs. Even though I have other dudes I am talking to, I put him as my main. He got all my time when I did have it. All these maybe’s keep popping up in my head. Like maybe he is intimidated by me like other males are. Or maybe he wants someone he can see all the time and not just once a week. He explained to me how he feels I want a serious relationship with him. In all honesty I have thought about it. But then again, he is not the one I could see myself in a serious type of relationship. I love him far as caring about him. But I am not in love him. He sucks because I feel like I wasted months and the time I invested into this situationship I can’t get back. Learning how to move on from these types of things has always been a problem for me. Maybe it’s time to really focus on myself. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
In talking to all my male friends about it, they said I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s him this time. And maybe they are right. Who knows. I wish I would have gotten that train ticket to Indianapolis to see “My Love”. It possibly would have been a great distraction from this all. I got this whole entire weekend off but I don’t want to sit around and cry about it. I don’t want to sit around and drink on it either. Like my male coworker told me, “T you are writing a book. It’s time to close that chapter and start a new one”. And maybe he is right. I can’t focus on the maybes and that what ifs with “This One”. I have to focus myself and my huge event that I have coming up. I don’t have that mental space right now to be frustrated, sad, and angry about it. And maybe that's what I need to start reminding myself everyday. In my last blog post, I talked about having control. And maybe this is my test for control. So here is to me, closing out this chapter and entering a new chapter of control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Everyone else can.”-Beyonce
No matter what, I have always stayed true to who I am as a person. I have always treated everyone in the industry the same way I would want to be treated. I helped those who needed and supported when they didn’t ask. I never came to an event or club expecting someone to get myself and 10 other people in. I brought bottles to support my friends. Planning this event has shown me how much people do rock with you. I really noticed this after talking to one of home boys that I use to promote with back in the day. Of course I’m nervous but anyone would be nervous throwing their first event. My other home boy is giving me life with all his guidance. He says, “if you already have the money for the event to begin with then it's meant to be”. And “Go in thinking you are losing because you might not make the money back. Collect your data and that is the key to profiting even more”. The fact that I have these people all in my corner says a lot about how they viewed me versus “My Ex”. After today, I feel slightly better about this event. And even got a couple of tricks up my sleeve for it.
I really enjoy spending time with “This One”. But the questions still remains, is he sleeping or talking to someone else besides me? Yeah, he cares about me and all. And I know between his new job schedule and me working two jobs things are going to get interesting because we won't have time to see each other as much. It seems as if I’m the positive thinker when it comes to this situation between us. I told him, it would be good money considering he can do over time and his off days will not change. With me working two jobs, I can basically make my schedule the way I want it. I work the day shift on his off days and if I wanted to, I could request a day off. But still, I don't think he is a much realistic thinker as I am. I can tell by our conversation the other day that he has a lot on his mind. Maybe I should give him some space. I like him A LOT! And I want things to work out but I’m not going to stress over someone who still has an emotional barrier up. Like always, I’m going to let the universe take control of it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I thought about it, maybe I need to get back to dating other people besides “This One”. So that’s what I did. “The Young Boy” at my other job has been asking for it. No literally but, figuratively speaking. He calls me his work wife. He is two years younger than me but he is really sexy and mature. It started off with just making out. Then a couple of days ago, “IT” happened. We had sex and it was good. Not just good but great! He is the type to nut and get right back hard. And I love that shit! The only problem with “The Young Boy” is he is young and we haven’t really went out on a proper date besides lunch dates. I usually don’t shit where I eat at, but he seems mature enough to not let things get messy. Besides this would probably be a sex thing. So where does this leave “This One” and I? Well I guess imma have my cake and eat it too for a min. Because besides any guy that says he fucks with me and knows me would show me something different. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
You might be thinking to yourself like damn Tati, now you really got a lot on your plate. But honestly guys what I have realized is its all about being in control of the situation and yourself. And that is something I realized when I having my panic attacks is, I can be in control of the situation. Meaning I can do what I want to do. And if there is something I don't want to, I don't have to. If there is something that I feel is going to take me out of my confront ora for the worst then I don't have to do it. That is what my focus is for 2018. Being in control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Fun Girl: “A girl that is typically somewhat attractive that men like to have fun with but never intend on marrying”.
So here we are. A whole 20 days later after my last blog. I feel there is so much to catch everyone up on. First and foremost I am excited that I have officially started a brand (like actually on paper contracts and all) and my first event is fully set in place. It seems after my breakdown, all things are starting to become a little more clearer. And for the first time in a long time, I am starting to know what I don’t want and what I do want, and how to deal with what I have now. I guess you can say “This One” was right, I need to slow down and take some time for myself in the midst of two jobs. So I told myself on my off day, I want no one else around. Just me, myself, and I and my tv and snacks. I can not wait for the holidays to be over with. This is the last and final stretch of the year so why not make it the best.
I was kind of surprised when “This One” gave me my christmas gift. Not because of what he gave me but in all honesty he is the first guy to actually give me an Christmas gift. “My Ex” never gave me anything because he always believed gifts should not be given just on holidays but every day. But truth be told he was just broke. I can tell with “This One” and I there is something there that wasn’t before. And no matter how many times I can try to have sex with another guy, the guiltiness always comes to mind and then I don’t follow through with it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I started to talking with one of my coworkers at my second gig. Needless to say, it's really just sexual tension amongst us. While at work, we make every chance we get. Like others, he has been to my bar a couple of times but never to my crib. Today was the day I decided not to look at him in that way anymore. Why? Because he told me that he does have someone else he is interested in besides me. He told me how they have history and was thinking about a relationship. I took that as a key sign for me to get out. Besides who really wants to shit where they eat at? Especially at that company! Another guy I was talking to went emotionally crazy over me. And talked about how we had selfish sex and how I felt comfortable inviting him in my bed. Little does he know how many other dudes beside him has been in my bed! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I get mixed signals from the universe when it comes to “This One”. Why did he buy me that christmas gift (and it actually being something I wanted)? Why does he keep talking to me after each of my drunk episodes? Am I the only one he talks to? What does he actually think of me? Does he truly deep down want to be with me? Am I just a fun girl for all these dudes I am talking to? I guess the only way to overcome my guiltiness fear to actually try to have sex with someone else. So I called up “DJ” and demanded him to come over. After all “My Love” is coming out here this weekend for New Years Eve. And knowing him, I better not have no fear in fucking him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Cry it out and keep it moving”
-3am Self Thoughts
I seriously hate nights like this where I can't sleep but need to sleep. It always happens on the nights where I have to get up and work both jobs in the same day. And then before you know it by 11pm i'm nodding off in the office. Nights like this makes me not want to talk to anyone during the day. I literally wanna stay at home and hide. If I told you I tried to commit suicide last week would you believe me? Probably not. Why because like others you may view me as the young black woman with life morals and has someone that has their shit together. Well I don't. And somethings that will forever continue to bother me about who I am and the choices I have made. Even though I am blessed to have two jobs, I don't want to do it. And I know the only reason why I am doing it is to have extra money in my pocket because as an entrepreneur you always need money to finance your brand. No matter how many times I keep saying I am going to go back to school, honestly I’m probably not. I just don't want to. And I know this day in age an Associate's degree can only get you so far but I don't want to work in corporate America under someone. I want my own Shit. I want my blog to be my career. Two months ago it seemed as if I had a clear direction and knew what I wanted and steps to take to get there. And now since I have been accomplishing these goals my life is like WHAT THE FUCK! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I feel embarrassed when I talk about my anxiety. I feel like people don't understand and look at you strange. I had a nervous breakdown last week at 4am out of my sleep. I knew “This One” would be up so I called him. He got me an Uber to the emergency room. I felt ashamed. We never spoke about it since that day. What triggered it this time? Two days before I was going through the emotions like now. I made some wrong decisions before I knew it, I was lying on the bathroom floor thinking about all the things I wanted to do to kill myself. If I would have taken several of deep breathes and went into hiding mode, I would have never made those terrible decisions which caused these suicidal thoughts.
Its 3:51am and honestly all I want to do is sleep. But I can't too many thoughts going on regarding friendships, family, and finances. Not to mention the thoughts of “This One” sleeping with another woman is killing me. Not saying he is or isn’t. It's just hard to put my finger on it. And since we are not in a committed relationship, it would wrong for me to ask. But I hate to think he wakes up happy as he does to me with another chick. Moreover I would hate to think that once again I am falling for him. Maybe my therapist is right. I am taking on too much at one time. Slow down and let things come to you for a change. Stop thinking you always need to go running for the answers. Make a plan follow through but most importantly slow down and remember to breathe. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
More than just a blogger is what she calls herself. Tatiana at the current age of 26 has built a blog based on her life. She touches on juggling love relationships, dating, family, and a successful career. Trying to find the common ground balance of them of all, she finds herself in sticky situations every time. Although she is learning to see the brighter side of things and holding herself accountable of her life, Tatiana is hoping her growth in her 20s will leave a powerful impact amongst other young women out there.