#1amthoughts

“Think I’m truly over the friends with benefits stage in my life”
                        -My 1am Thoughts
​

Finally going back to work after being off for the week. Being off for a week kind of put some things in perspective and I was able to go on a couple of job interviews. Praying and staying positive that something will fall through. But for now, it’s all about budgeting and maintaining the main bills. I’m still trying to figure out how to finance this next event. Those thoughts always make me want to sign up for an online site geared towards sugar babies. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

Spending this time off work has given me a lot of alone time. I started to think about dating and the people whom I attract. They all want something sexual from me and to hang out from time to time but none of them actually want to be in a serious relationship with me. How do I get them to see that I’m more than just a “fun girl”. I have said this before, “Date me with a purpose”. And now that I am on this whole weight loss peaceful mindset journey, this is the right time for me to practice what I preach. Last night I received five different phones/texts from guys that I mess around with. I choose to ignore, masturbate, go to sleep and woke up the next day to go to the gym. This was all after meditating. So maybe that's what I need to do. I have never felt so balanced after that. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

Deep down I was honestly using sex as a way for a guy to validate if I’m attractive or not. But after being on these job interviews and seeing how energy glows, I don’t need it. I ‘m a very sexual person. But I can't keep running around giving it up to every guy that comes along pretends that he is charming and has a big dick. As a young black independent woman, I have to want more than that. One thing I’ve noticed is how protective I was at the gym today of my shoulder. Even when I was the on the bus I held onto the rails very tight because of the fear of trying to brace myself if I fall. Why is it so hard for me as a woman to be that protective of my energy and time when it comes to men? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.