“When the path reveals itself, follow it”..
The first full week was rough, I mean really rough. Me trying to get back into the groove of working two jobs. I was tired exhausted and wanted to cry for a moment. Okay people well maybe not wanting to cry but you get the point. Saturday came and I honestly didn’t want to do anything. Not even hang out with “This One”. But he insisted and like always, we had a good time. Working two jobs is giving me the best motivation to push myself into what I want to be doing. And that's...Well..hopefully this blog and this blog only. But with me being the young black independent woman I am, I will most likely always have two jobs. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So it happened. “This One” and I finally had sex. It was like the first time but ten times better. It was “I miss you”, “We making up”, “I’m sorry”, “I fucked up” sex. Before all that the question came at me once again from him, What is it that I want?. He said, “I know you want to be in a committed relationship T, and I don't think I’m the guy for that. My response was, Honestly, I don't want a committed relationship with everything that I have going on. I’m working two jobs now and more focus on my brand. I don't know what I want”. I left the conversation at that because he kept pushing me to say other things. That night I couldn’t sleep. But Sunday after us having sex, I left him a note saying, “I just want to be happy. Us to be happy. No titles no commitment for us to be happy with each other”. When I came back in from work, I noticed he took out the garbage, straighten my bed, couch, and shoes. Damn! But that Sunday night I received a phone call from my New York boo thang telling me he was staying in Chicago for a couple of days and want me to stay with him. I packed a bag and got a Uber to his hotel. I missed him and could honestly see myself with him all over again. I started to think what will happen between “This One” and myself if the New York boo thang and I decided to give it another try. It will be long distance but like with “This One” I am willing to try. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
One thing I can say with “This One” is I appreciate how concerned he is for me. Especially with me working these two jobs. It’s different with us now. He is more caring than the last time. It scares me. And every time he asks how do I feel about us, I always say how too tired I am to process that question. I’m mostly just saying it because I don't think that question is appropriate if he doesn't want anything serious. I took my mom to a play the other day. I told her what happened between us. She said I was stupid for talking back to him. That nothing I do will ever change his mind. But i’m not trying to change his mind. But I get what she saying. “As a woman are really going to go back into something you know don’t want. “You know your worth. Why are you short selling yourself”. I thought about her response and maybe she is right. Maybe I should distance myself away from him. On another note, “My Ex” proposed to his girlfriend. That’s right! The girl he cheated on me with he proposed to her. And here I am trying to convince myself that a committed relationship isn't what I want. At the end of the day. I have a lot going on. And the more I drown myself into my work, the more I don't want to think about relationships. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.