“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself”....-Laurence Sterne
-I wasn’t ready to face the facts but let this be my last cry over him….
So it happened. Once I thought I was going to have my cake and eat it too, I received a text message from “This One” telling me we should just be friends. After I sent him a screenshot of the tickets I bought him for Valentine's day. Random I thought. Maybe he is going through some things in his personal life I thought. But when I asked him what was his reasoning, he said he didn't want to complicate things. Meaning feelings are just going to get even more involved and how would we feel if one of us was to get into a serious relationship with someone else. But from my understanding this is something we both wanted. A simple friendship with benefits. For us to hang out, chill, and have great sex. For us just to be happy! It hurts only because “This One” says he has been thinking about this for a minute. But in my defense, I asked him if he was okay with us and where we are last week when he spent the night. WHAT THE FUCK! I instantly broke down. Again I thought. “AGAIN!”, I screamed through the phone. “You are doing this to me again. After I let you back into my life”. “T i’m sorry”, He said. I was mad at myself. What was it that made him decide this at that moment. Is it me? Is it another chick? Did I do something wrong? I gave you what you wanted. And it still wasn’t enough. I did everything for you to show that I was different and it still wasn’t enough. Now I’m looking myself in the mirror thinking about the woman I am today. Will I ever be enough? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I remember the mental space I was at last October when this happened to us before. I was all over the place. Drinking heavy. Crying every two seconds. I don’t want that this time around. And let’s be honest. The signs were there. But as a woman that wears her heart on her sleeve, I choose to ignore them. I knew what to expect letting him back in my life. But I did it anyway and ignored the proceed with caution signs. Even though I have other dudes I am talking to, I put him as my main. He got all my time when I did have it. All these maybe’s keep popping up in my head. Like maybe he is intimidated by me like other males are. Or maybe he wants someone he can see all the time and not just once a week. He explained to me how he feels I want a serious relationship with him. In all honesty I have thought about it. But then again, he is not the one I could see myself in a serious type of relationship. I love him far as caring about him. But I am not in love him. He sucks because I feel like I wasted months and the time I invested into this situationship I can’t get back. Learning how to move on from these types of things has always been a problem for me. Maybe it’s time to really focus on myself. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
In talking to all my male friends about it, they said I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s him this time. And maybe they are right. Who knows. I wish I would have gotten that train ticket to Indianapolis to see “My Love”. It possibly would have been a great distraction from this all. I got this whole entire weekend off but I don’t want to sit around and cry about it. I don’t want to sit around and drink on it either. Like my male coworker told me, “T you are writing a book. It’s time to close that chapter and start a new one”. And maybe he is right. I can’t focus on the maybes and that what ifs with “This One”. I have to focus myself and my huge event that I have coming up. I don’t have that mental space right now to be frustrated, sad, and angry about it. And maybe that's what I need to start reminding myself everyday. In my last blog post, I talked about having control. And maybe this is my test for control. So here is to me, closing out this chapter and entering a new chapter of control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Why can't you see me? Everyone else can.”-Beyonce
No matter what, I have always stayed true to who I am as a person. I have always treated everyone in the industry the same way I would want to be treated. I helped those who needed and supported when they didn’t ask. I never came to an event or club expecting someone to get myself and 10 other people in. I brought bottles to support my friends. Planning this event has shown me how much people do rock with you. I really noticed this after talking to one of home boys that I use to promote with back in the day. Of course I’m nervous but anyone would be nervous throwing their first event. My other home boy is giving me life with all his guidance. He says, “if you already have the money for the event to begin with then it's meant to be”. And “Go in thinking you are losing because you might not make the money back. Collect your data and that is the key to profiting even more”. The fact that I have these people all in my corner says a lot about how they viewed me versus “My Ex”. After today, I feel slightly better about this event. And even got a couple of tricks up my sleeve for it.
I really enjoy spending time with “This One”. But the questions still remains, is he sleeping or talking to someone else besides me? Yeah, he cares about me and all. And I know between his new job schedule and me working two jobs things are going to get interesting because we won't have time to see each other as much. It seems as if I’m the positive thinker when it comes to this situation between us. I told him, it would be good money considering he can do over time and his off days will not change. With me working two jobs, I can basically make my schedule the way I want it. I work the day shift on his off days and if I wanted to, I could request a day off. But still, I don't think he is a much realistic thinker as I am. I can tell by our conversation the other day that he has a lot on his mind. Maybe I should give him some space. I like him A LOT! And I want things to work out but I’m not going to stress over someone who still has an emotional barrier up. Like always, I’m going to let the universe take control of it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I thought about it, maybe I need to get back to dating other people besides “This One”. So that’s what I did. “The Young Boy” at my other job has been asking for it. No literally but, figuratively speaking. He calls me his work wife. He is two years younger than me but he is really sexy and mature. It started off with just making out. Then a couple of days ago, “IT” happened. We had sex and it was good. Not just good but great! He is the type to nut and get right back hard. And I love that shit! The only problem with “The Young Boy” is he is young and we haven’t really went out on a proper date besides lunch dates. I usually don’t shit where I eat at, but he seems mature enough to not let things get messy. Besides this would probably be a sex thing. So where does this leave “This One” and I? Well I guess imma have my cake and eat it too for a min. Because besides any guy that says he fucks with me and knows me would show me something different. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
You might be thinking to yourself like damn Tati, now you really got a lot on your plate. But honestly guys what I have realized is its all about being in control of the situation and yourself. And that is something I realized when I having my panic attacks is, I can be in control of the situation. Meaning I can do what I want to do. And if there is something I don't want to, I don't have to. If there is something that I feel is going to take me out of my confront ora for the worst then I don't have to do it. That is what my focus is for 2018. Being in control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.