“It’s easy to mess around when you have someone, its hard when you try to make him that someone”. -My Big Cousin Joy
And after that trip our situationship might take a lot more work than I thought…
I was actually ready to come back home from Indianapolis. It snowed the entire day on Saturday, plus you need a car to get everywhere, and there is nothing really to do. I was ready to get back to the city and make money. I was happy that I could spend time with “My Love” but on the flip side of things we are two completely different people. For example, he is the type of person to stay in. I am okay with staying in maybe a day or when its really chilly out. But the next day I need to be out doing something. Saturday it snowed which I understood why we stayed in, but on Sunday I thought we were going to be out. Instead we got dinner went to a bar and I had one drink then went back to his crib. It wasn’t nothing special nor romantic as I thought it would be. I thought I would be greeted at the train station with flowers, hug, and a kiss. But instead he was 20 min late picking me up and with his friends. Trust me people I am not complaining at all but I have known “My Love” since I was 17 and I expected more out of him. His friends were cool so I didn’t mind. It wasn’t until Saturday when he started picking arguments with me. Now, I am not the one to pick arguments anymore myself, but I have done it so often that I can tell when someone is picking one just to pick it. It wouldn’t have turned into several arguments if he would have watched his tone with me. I am an emotional creature when it comes down to it. At times I can dish it and take it but when it comes to “My Love”, I can’t take it. After one argument on Sunday night, I went to the bathroom and cried. I came out and went to sleep. Didn’t say anything to him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I can honestly say this, sleeping all day on saturday was the best! I needed that recovery from St Pattys day weekend. And to be honest, my anxiety has been through the roof so my sleep pattern has been off. I missed cuddling and “My Love” is definitely a cuddler all the way. It was times were I look over at him and thought, “All these years and here we are finally” and how much I loved him as a man. I also thought, “Damn all these years and now he wants me after pushing me away for chicks that basically used him”. Next I thought, “but he so damn sexy, and the sex is amazing, finally after all these years I have the opportunity to make him mine”. But after his attitude with me asking why does he love me, made me reconsider about all of our years. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I love him. No denial in that. But after spending a weekend together, I can tell he still thinks i'm the 17 year old Tati he first met. I want “My Love” to understand that I have grown so much since then. He needs to take the time to learn the new woman that I am today and not the woman that I was years ago. He needs to understand what type of woman I am when it comes to a relationship vs the person I am when we were fucking around. I dont wanna throw in the towel yet because we have all these years. But we if we are relying on all these years and if that something we are holding on to, then we will never get to experience the true virtue of us! Besides after “The Young Boy” sent me off when I got back on Monday makes me not want to waste my time on anyone anymore. See the irony this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Just a small update for my readers...it’s only right”...
Its 2:50 and instead of me waking up out of a luxurious nap, I’m here blogging. My sleep pattern lately has been all off. It's going to be even more off this weekend. I am literally working doubles back to back 9am until 3am and hoping to get at least 3 hours of sleep in between. I’m not complaining because I need the money. And if you have been following this blog then you know how much of a workaholic I am. I have no time for anyone this week. I guess you can say I’m trying to get back to the old me. Being alone and working. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I told myself this week I was stop drinking since im working doubles. And after last Sunday I just might. According to my best friend, I called myself trying to pop up at “This One” birthday party at a strip club. I was drunk out of mind and basically angry since I wasn’t invited. I then called the “Young Boy” to come over. But he didn’t want to. I cursed him out. I said some really mean things including threatening his job. I next called “DJ” to come over. I rolled with the next morning with him laying next to me. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I went to get a massage for the first time. I figured this would be a better alternative for my anxiety than working out. And it worked. But you want to know what crazy people, I woke up Wednesday angry. I sat on the side of my bed and cried. I felt angry with myself that I allowed all these guys to take up my energy. I was in a happy place before I met “This One”. But I used “The Young Boy” as a distraction from “This One”. And then I called “DJ” because I felt lonely, horny, and drunk. I have to protect my energy! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I wish I could sit and type more but now its pushing 320 and I need to shower and leave out for work. It’s going to be a long weekend. But maybe this is the distraction that I need. To work and be at peace with myself. The hardest thing in life is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s called growth. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Not everyone is meant to join your journey”
-Drunken Monday Night thoughts….
It’s finally over! And I did it! Prior to turning 27 I planned and executed an event that would change my blog for the better. And I must admit people, it was a lot of stress, and sleepless nights. But at least my anxiety didn’t get in the way of it all. It was fun and I made sure the people there had a great time. Even though there were some minor hiccups in the mix, my team and I still pulled it off. I was kind of upset that my best male friend didn’t fly in for it. He would have made sure those hiccups were cleared and would have taken care of them. But I am the more grateful that he made my vision with all my graphics designs come to life. Like my other male friend said, this event is going to make me grow a lot more. And by the end of it, I am going to look at life, relationships, and partnerships in a different perspective. He was right! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
One person I am surprised at that stayed by side was “My Love”. He came in from Indianapolis and calmed me down that morning. He made sure I was straight. Another one I am surprised at is “The Young Boy”. I had him working at the event at the last minute. But he showed up and supported me all the way. You would think with those two at my event as well two other guys I am talking to, I would be in a world of trouble. But I wasn’t. And as a thank you I made them all take shots together with me. I worked the crowd and danced with each of them. None of them said anything but I think “The Young Boy” peeped “My Love” and I leaving. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
The next day “My Love” and I decided it was finally time to have “that talk”. You know that “what are we doing talk”. According to him I am indecisive in choosing men and that I never come visit him. So later that night I booked a train ticket to go see him in a couple of weeks. Could this be the relationship I need? A long distance relationship? The night before my birthday I went out and had one too many drinks with a friend. I called “The Young Boy” and i’m guessing I spilled all my feelings out for him. I don’t remember what I said but he was more confused than mad at me. That morning “This One” took me to work. I told about my event and “My Love”. We kissed when I was getting out the car but when I reached over to give him another one he pulled back. I guess that was a one time thing. Later that night I thought “The Young Boy” was going to come over but after giving me the run around spill, I snapped. I told him I felt like I was begging and I’m not that type of woman. He replied, “okay then”. I came home and went to sleep. The next day at work, I ignored the shit out of him. Looks like he still has a lot of growing up to do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I’m officially 27. I remember when my mom was this age. She was always going out to the clubs. The young me thought I was going to be the same. But instead here I am blogging and trying to figure out my next event to plan. I told myself I was not going to make any career changing moves until May or June. I still have to weigh out my options when it comes to working at the bar or going back to the corporate environment fully. Moreover I am proud of myself. I accomplished my first big goal of the year. But like I always say, when my career flourishes my love life sucks. And since I am becoming more in the spotlight, it sucks even more. I want to call “The Young Boy” and tell him the reason why I am upset but then again, would it even matter? Like with “This One” shit is getting real and when shit gets real the fun stops. Our fun is stopping. And even though I don’t want it to end because I see the full potential man that he could be. But maybe he is not meant for this journey with me yet. He still has a lot of growing to do. It's like the same thing “My Love” said to me a couple of years ago, “Once you as a person become ready then we will be ready”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.