“The girls will try you. You just have to be prepared”
WOW! Is what I keep telling myself every day this week. WOW! I am stepping outside my comfort zone to grow in a completely different career field. The amount of love, respect, and support that I am receiving from my coworkers and friends on this transition is amazing. It gives me a lot more confidence. One thing my manager pointed out to me is that I am a hustler. I know how to go out there in the world and get it. Many don’t, but it’s a natural instinct that I have. I like to thank my mom for that. Even though she doesn’t agree with my decision, I have her black independent woman go-getter mentally to help me. Only three days left at my company and I feel as if I have so much more to do. I haven’t cried all week. And honestly this transition does not seem real. Maybe Monday on my last day I will break down. But in all, it will be nothing but tears of joy.
“DJ” went back on tour again. And honestly after the night he got real Hollywood on me, can’t say he is the one I want. I thought he was. But after burning sage in my hone and countless times of pure mediation, I have become one who wants to be alone and thus having some understanding about putting yourself first. Had a small chat with the “Other Guy”. Can’t say I know where this situation-ship will end up. One minute I want him because I know we can become something great. On the flip side his stubborn non-commutative ways makes me want to call him a “BITCH ASS NIGGA”. All in all, I’m going to keep my cool. If he wants me, he will make a move. But I’m not into being the first one to always hit him up. Sorry the black independent woman in me won’t let my pride downfall in that way. We all busy in this world especially in this age group. But still if I’m working two jobs and willing to make time for you. Why can’t you do the same? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I went to the doctor the other day. She wanted to put me on this anti-depressant medicine to control my anxiety attacks. I declined. I think the past couple of months I was stressing to the point my drinking took a toll on me. Thus resulted in my panic attacks. I thought about all my drunken moments in life. And you know what people; I don’t want to be that person anymore. I become angry, depressed, emotional, and outrageously horny sometimes. I can’t go into this new transition and grow without changing some characteristics within myself for the better. I want to get a point in my life where I stop building sand castles that washes away and start building sturdy empires. I feel I can do that with this new transition. Most people think happiness is about gaining something, but it’s not. It’s about getting rid of the darkness you accumulate. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Las Vegas was a blast! It was a perfect trip to come back home with a clean mindset. Well, this is what I initially thought. I only have a 2-weeks left at my company before switching over to become a full time bartender with the hopes of moving up to management. I keep telling myself every day “You got this”. The more May 1st quickly approaches, the more I get anxiety attacks. Had two on the plane coming back home to Chicago from Vegas. It hit me out of nowhere. I was sleep and started to feel myself breathe heavy, the hot flashes came and I wanted to scream. I kept my composure quickly walked in the bathroom to calm myself down. My best friend was sitting a couple rows ahead of me. But I didn’t want to bother her considering how drunk I was at this pool party the other day. I got some water and quickly went back to my seat. An entire hour left on this flight and I knew I was going to have another one. And 20 mins later another one came on. The flight attendant saw the look on my face I was in panic and she helped me into the bathroom and gave me more water. Why do these anxieties attacks keeps happening to me? And why are they happening more times than normal?
I have a doctor’s appointment set for next week. We should see what they say. Until then, no more drinking for me for a while. I need to relax in a comfortable mental state. With that being said, “DJ” has been in my corner for the past 3-weeks. Even though I know I shouldn’t re-kindle that flame. I kind of want to just because I know he will help me pay bills. But, before you start judging me remember that this blog is about my life! And at the end of the day, sometimes a woman must do what she needs to do for herself. It was no surprise to me when I found out “The Other Guy” is going to Denver with his friends and his ex-girlfriend this weekend. Something always told me to keep my distant from him. I am mad? No I’m not. Just a little disappointed since I did make a public apology to him in my last blog post. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I officially woke up today at 1pm. I slept myself away trying not to think about my anxiety attacks that happened on the plane. Trying to think about these next two weeks. Trying not to think about that fact I am chasing after my dream right now. Trying not to think about the fact that I myself need to get back on this momentum of doing what I want and figuring things out as I go. But that’s the problem with being a person like me; sometimes you may have so many things going on in your head once that’s hard for you to the light at the end of tunnel. In the end I just want to be set free. And maybe that’s why you shouldn’t date her.
“It’s going to be okay. Life is just throwing you more lemons. And just like the previous times, make some dope as lemonade”….
I got really drunk the other night to point where I felt a part of my old self-trying to come back. I was out with the “Other Guy”, my best friend, and his friends. I haven’t gotten this drunk around him since my birthday. I told myself I was not going to get that Lit again. But it happened. And once again, I fucked up with another guy. I guess the universe is really trying to tell me to not date anyone right now. Just be cool, calm, and collective. My best friend says everything will be fine between us. Just have to give him some time. But let’s be honest. Would you give a chick another chance if she goes off on you when she’s drunk just because you won’t stay the night at her house? But then again this is the same guy who was an asshole to me a couple of weeks ago. See…All the more reasons why not to date her.
It’s official; the cat is out the bag at my company. In two weeks, I would be leaving a company that I have worked 4 years at. I’m leaving and following my goals. I would be lying if I didn’t say how scared I am, but I’m doing it. And it feels right. Just like the move to New York. If I don’t this now, I never will. Everyone keeps saying how big of an adult decision I made by doing this. I think this is by far the second biggest life decision I have ever made. I think the reason why I’m so nervous is because I will be working at the bar and working my way up to management. And yet tips can be good, I don’t want to struggle. I keep going back and forth with my finances making one budget plan after another. Figuring out what things I can cut back on. I didn’t like that old me that was struggling. I was always stressed and drunk way too much. Our Vegas trip is in two days. I’m excited. I am ready to have some fun and leave all my worries in Chicago. I don’t want to worry about anything: finances, the “Other Guy”, DJ, my family, or my career. Even though my best friend and I are typically good about not getting super Lit when we are out of the state, this trip I’m really going to watch my drinking. But like I said, I’m ready to leave all my worries behind and have some fun.
It’s now 3am and I have been writing this blog for an hour. Trying to the let the words from my thoughts flow. But at this point, they are everywhere. I was feeling fine until I got drunk with my emotional ass the other night. Now I just feel weird and unbalanced. It’s funny I can make successful decisions when it comes to my career but when it comes to dating and my social life, I have somethings to work on. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t expect to be. Hey the “Other Guy”, if you reading I’m sorry and hopefully we can still be cool. I spent so much time thinking how not to fuck up, that I actually was fucking up. See the irony in this? Maybe that’s why you shouldn’t date her.