“Fear has a way of paralyzing your decision to execute because of what we think of ourselves”.- Blogger Mattie James
Ladies if you really want to know how a guy feels about you, tell him you’re pregnant and watch his response. Will his response be “okay let's figure this out”. Or, will his response be “Damn!” “Wow”. I guess you can say the “Young Boy’s” response to this was neither. Instead he lashed out exclaiming how he didn’t want a kid by me. At that moment he was officially known as “A BITCH ASS NIGGA!”. Explaining to him back and forth how this is all not my fault (it takes two). And even after telling him I didn’t want to keep it. His actions proved he is not ready for me. I am 27 years old. I have a life, dreams, goals, and bills. I declined the money for him to give me for the abortion. Hell! I will figure this out on my own just like how I always do. Anxiety, depression, and now if only this was true! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
If it’s not one thing it’s another. I walked for the first time in my life. I was given the “opportunity” by my GM to walk out at that moment in the middle of my shift. I did exactly what he said to do, “run my check out”. I couldn’t believe it. All in shock. Tears ran down my face. “This is really happening”, I thought over and over again. I woke up the next day thinking what I could have done to avoid this. Be the calm to the storm and pulled back on my attitude as a black woman? Be the voice to the reasoning and say, “can we talk about this another time we are super busy”? Or just sat there and had no voice to what was being yelled. And even walked away. Everyone keeps telling me how if didn’t happen now, it was bound to happen in the future. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe bar management isn’t my thing. Or maybe I needed a change at that moment and the universe decided this would be my moment of change. Deep inside this feels like a bad break up. Deep inside I want to go back. But I was comfortable there. And we all know in order to grow, you have become uncomfortable. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
(I’m not the type of person to talk openly about my relationship with God. But whatever here it goes).
I saw two post today from a pastor randomly on my Facebook timeline. One was titled “marked”. In this post he talked how sometimes god will use you as a mark. You might become an answer to a problem. Meaning just be patient work on your craft, and things will come to you. Another post was titled “Does “IT” need to end. In this post he talked how a wood doesn’t sharpen a saw but how it makes it dull. Meaning certain relationships have to end because its not making an impact in your life. Crazy as it sounds,both of these popped up when I wanted to cry about my job situation. But then I took a minute to think. I already had another job lined up at another bar for the summer. My work skills alone stood so impressive that when I asked my manager at the clothing store if I could stay a little longer after only having day left in my two weeks notice. I wanted one job that could focus on brand more. I wanted to get out there and see what other bars I could get into. It’s the fear of not finding a bar that I could stay at year round and make decent money. It’s the fear of not having enough finances to progress my brand. It’s the fear of coming into another establishment and not being the one in charge. It’s the fear of, “you’re pushing 30, so you need to figure it out”. It’s the fear of change. It’s the fear of letting go and trusting god. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I keep telling myself we are going to take this one day at time. I can’t change what has happened in the past. It’s best for me to move forward. I keep saying how this feels like a bad break up. It’s the exact same feeling I had when “My Ex” and I moved out. I was scared. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t have a plan. I worked and it got me exactly where I needed to be. It brought out that crafty side of me. After all that break up did help to build this blog. So here is my second bad break up. I love you for you who you and everything you have done for me. Maybe one day we can be different and have closure. But until then..cheers! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“How can you expect for someone else to make you happy, if you yourself don’t know what makes you happy?” -Gabrielle Union
Had a small conversation with myself this morning after looking at countless women empowerment videos yesterday. “Am I truly healed from my past situationships?”. For example, my relationship with “My Ex”. Am I truly healed from it? And all honesty when you are healing, you become okay with being by yourself. I had to be honestly say no, I’m still trying to find the means of being okay by myself. I have a tendency to use work a distraction from what I may be going through in my life. And that’s kind of the reason why I always two jobs. I can wrap myself up in work and not to think about what’s really going on in my life. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I’m one of those random ass females. I will ask you a random question regardless if it makes you uncomfortable. The best way to find out some shit is asking questions. So I asked every guy that I have been dealing within the past couple of months, “What is somethings that I do or have done that turns you off”. Pretty much every guy was shocked but was completely honest with me. The only one that didn’t answer my question was “This One”. He sent back the rolled eye emoji and told me “goodnight”. That people is what really piss me off. JUST BE FUCKING HONEST!! Usually I would’ve been a little firecracker and popped off. But this time instead I just said, “okay”. I’m not giving CPR to any more dead situations with him. And I know I say that often but I really need to start healing from him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I guess you can say the “Young Boy” has forgiven me from that drunken night because he has agreed to go on this “Date” with me. Am I nervous yes. Do I feel like he will stand me up, yes! But after us talking on the phone for 2 hours yesterday about life in general. I think we will be okay. One factor I have discovered about the “The Young Boy” is he’s a very emotional person. And he has some things he needs to heal from as well. So today while we are out, I don’t want neither one of us to think about life. Just to truly enjoy each other's company. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I haven’t received any call backs from the bars I did interview with. I’m okay with taking a break and only work one job right now. I have so much I could do. My anxiety has been really through the roof and I feel it’s my body telling me to slow down and actually sleep. So yesterday I called off work and did nothing but sleep and meditate. Self care is the best care. And while you are in your healing process just remember you gotta take care of you first! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest” -Kanye West
I would never forget the morning I wanted to kill myself. I was having a major panic attack. That weekend my anxiety was all over the place. I had just started a new job and wasn’t ready to start back working two jobs but I did because in my mind that was the only way for me to get over somethings that was going on. I was depressed. That entire month of October I was getting really drunk. Like black out drunk and going to work constantly with a hangover. The day before I was hungover all day. That’s when the thoughts of killing myself appeared. I thought, “was is life?” “I’m not shit and will never be shit for anyone”. The knife was in my hand but I couldn’t do it. “This One” had called me back since he was on his way to work. I broke down crying and told him I was having another panic attack. He immediately got me an uber to the hospital. When I was in the hospital among other suicidal patients, they took away all of our belongings and isolated us separate rooms. I saw five different therapist that day. They all agreed that I wasn’t a suicidal person. But just needed therapy. I went to one therapy session and was done. Should’ve stayed going but that shit cost and at that time I wasn’t insured. Listening to Kanye’s new album brought back all the memories and thoughts of that time. I’m happy that I didn’t decide to cute my throat. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Now that is off my chest, let me bring you people up to speed. I gave my month’s notice to the clothing store. Honestly, I felt good about it. I like working there but just not happy and I need something a little more flexible with my lifestyle. Today I have one interview lined up and going to drop off my resumes at other places. I am praying that I land something within the next week or so. Step one, believe in yourself (check!). Step two, go after and get it! I’m still going to work at the bar because I am a manager there. Even though there are days that I want to quit it's something about my GM that brings me back in. Maybe because that no matter what he believes in me and always there when I need ear or advice. Besides like my old Assistant manager told me, “sometimes it's not about what position you can get next, but more so learning all you can in the position that you are in now”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So I’m pretty sure you all wondering about the men that I am dating. Let me make this quick for you. “Him” has a girlfriend and I’m just now finding out about her. I was surprised when I found out and I did the “Why not me” thing. But in the end, had to chuck up the deuces and keep it moving. “My Love” and I are still trying to figure out this whole long distance thing. At least I am talking to him more often now. “The Young Boy” and I started messing back around for a week. Then I got drunk and sent him an angry text because he didn’t want to go out with me one night. Now he is back not talking to me. And Honestly, I care but then again I don’t. You are not about to fuck me, use me for ubers, and come to the bar thinking you are going to drink for free when you feel like it. And I’m trying to be civil with him while we are at work but the petty person in me is trying to come out. I faked blocked “This One” for two days. Only because he wasn’t being honest with me. I would respect you more if you are honest about what you are doing. So I called him out on his bullshit and then blocked him. I unblocked him but honestly don’t care if he contacts to me. We vibe and fucks with each other. But sometimes you gotta protect your energy at all cost. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I shot my promo video for my blog this past saturday. I am excited to see the finish production on it. I appreciate all the women that came out and shared their story on why they are single. After the shoot I went to sleep I was tired. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm. I was tired woke up this morning feeling a little refreshed. I was exhausted after working three weeks straight. Today is my day to regroup, refocus, and regain some energy that I lost. We as humans all have our dark days. But remember at the end of every dark tunnel there is the light. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.