“You being aggressive is not a bad thing. It’s actually good”
It's like this, if you want something you have to go get it. I wanted my stuff back from “This One” and I got it back. I found a way to reach him through an app. Let’s just this people, through that app I blew his fucking phone UP! He replied back saying he was going to drop it off at my job. Me being me, I yelled at him and told him to bring my stuff to my house in my hand. I didn’t want any emotions at my job. Besides I was angry and low key wanted to talk. He brings my stuff upstairs and proceeds to walk away. I say to him “So is this it?” He says, “Yea”. My heart was already beating hard because before he actually arrived there. I wanted to throw up, I wasn’t ready to face reality. But then I convinced to talk about it a little. So it’s true, I told him that I loved him and this isn’t the type of relationship he wants right now. We hugged, he told me how much of a great woman I am and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He also said that I told him to block me on everything (even though I don’t saying remember that). We agreed to be friends and he would unblock me. We shared a couple of laughs of things that happened to us including me missing my flight back. At that moment I felt a sense of relief. I sold the concert tickets to him. Didn’t want them. But low key still wanted to go with him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I always put my stressful energy into work or creating something better in my life. It’s just my way of dealing with things. Received several call backs for interviews this week. I thought to myself, “Damn things are really changing”. It’s like breath of fresh air. I’m instantly going to work on my next goal as soon as I land a second gig. With this going on, I am one emotional horny wreck. And mother nature is taking forever to come down! I attempted to have sex with “Him” but he came super quick while I was giving him head. And that people was the icing on the cake for me that day literally. I was horny and masturbation wasn’t a thing for me anymore. Besides I will never swallow a man’s cum unless it was “This One”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Instead of virtually sending me money, “This One” brought me the money for the concert tickets. I was horny, hot and naked underneath my robe. I convinced “This One” to take a shower with me. And well he laid me on the bed and proceed to give me head. I came, he left, and I went to sleep like a baby. We both know we need to take things slow. Well at least I do. I don’t want to go back into something like that again. Overall, I can tell I’m still hurting from this situation between us. How you may ask? I was on the phone with him while shopping I was describing this midi dress with a hood. He expressed how he doesn’t like dresses like that. I wanted say “Bitch what makes you think you have any say so in this anymore. I’m just talking to you cuz I'm bored and still horny and might want to sit on your face again fool”. But I didn’t say that at all. I just laughed and said okay. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
Once again Anxiety has taken over me. It’s 2 am and I’m up writing trying to clear my head a little. I started to cry a because even though I got closure between “This One” and I, it’s still awkward. I think that's the reason why I try with the small talk. Key phrase, “I TRY” even though my guard is all the way up. But is he willing to try as well? As bad as I don't want to take this sleeping pill because it taste disgusting, I have to. I need to sleep because I have another interview tomorrow morning. Taking the pill and thinking to myself, I’m confused. I got closure and I’m still hurt. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Change has to come within”
I woke up decided today is the day for me to write down the list of goals I want to accomplish by the end of this year. My first step is actually finding a part time job. Why you might ask? Because I need the funding to take this blog to the next level. I don’t want to stretch my money so thin that I end up deciding to either pay a bill or pay for the continuation of this blog. My mom says I’m crazy for investing that much money in it. But I think one day it's going to pay off. It has to. I want it to. I figured I need to start channeling my energy into else where and not on “This One”. It’s time for me to snap out my pity party and stop questioning what I could have done to prevent that situation. Instead I need to move forward.
It has been officially two weeks since that incident happened between us. I tried everything to get back in contact with him. But yet and still, nothing. I even had my cousin to hit him and ask if he was going to bring me my belongings I left in his car. He said he would. But time has shown he hasn’t. I questioned our situation. I cried enough tears and asked for countless advice from everyone. And it all leads to the he will come back but not now. WHEN!?! The statement I asked myself over and over again. But honestly, it’s getting to the point where I don’t care anymore. I just want my belongings back. Part of me still wants to hold on and fight for us. But that's the same part of me that has me on anxiety pills. After two weeks of any situation with any guy, I can shake it of. But with “This One” I can’t. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I went to Houston for the weekend to see my bestfriend. We had our moment where we cried together. Needless to say she is going to be okay. And our friendship is going to be okay. During the weekend I thought it was going to be time for me to get over some things and get my head together. But it wasn’t and even though I had fun and missed my first flight back home, it wasn’t till today where I had a direct mind of what I needed to do. At first I wasn’t ready to come back to Chicago and then suddenly, I got anxious to come back home. To my space where I could sort out my thoughts and have a peace of mind. As of this moment that's what I need in my life; peace of mind, clarity, and sense of direction. It’s funny around this time every year I always get blessed with something big. Whether is a promotion, something pertaining to this blog, or relationships. I always had a win around this time. And now it seems as if I lost a sense of direction. After waking up this morning and deciding not to go “Bat shit” crazy on “This One”, was a sign telling me to take more control over my life. Have self control and even if I did decided to go “Bat Shit” crazy what would that solve than showing him that I am crazy? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I wrote my top 5 goals down that I want to accomplish before this year is up. I taped it to the wall to remind myself everyday. This is something I did when I was ready to move from TC to the bar. I worked at it and everything fell in place. I keep trying to remind myself everyday that this position i'm in life right now is just temporary. And that I have overcame so much more difficult hardships than this. No matter what, I gotta keep moving. It hurts with “This One” and I know I have to be a little more patient. But see I got us tickets for this concert as his sweetest day gift. So I think that’s the thing that's holding back from moving on. I will give him until Sunday to contact me. If he doesn’t, I will sell the tickets and fully move on with my life. I still want to make the changes to my drinking habit even if he doesn’t hit me up. Not sure how I feel but I know I have shit to accomplish and my aggressive energy wants to win. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“I Said: Don't embarrass me instead of Be mine. That was my proposal for us to go steady”
-Part of Jay-z Lyrics
It’s like this, I’m an aggressive woman. I want what I want because I was also taught be that person to go after and get it. I’m aggressive with my career, my motivation for myself and even when it comes to love, I’m aggressive. I woke up at 5am crying not due to an anxiety attack but what happened Sunday night. And honestly after that, I really don’t wanna date anymore. What happened Sunday just might be the reason why you shouldn’t date me. This is may be my last blog post for a while. I think it’s time for to do some deep soul searching and focus on myself. But then I really don’t know. I’m just speaking my mind. Hopefully after this post, I can have more of a clearer thought.
It was pose to be a day of fun day drinking that suddenly turned left. I told “This One” in the midst of us having sex that I love him. I said it more than once. I was “Lit” and honestly it slipped out. He stopped. I told him I was sorry but still he put his clothes on and proceeded to leave. I started crying. I started expressing myself. Telling him how I wish I would have kept to myself. How I let go of “DJ” for him. How I let my guard down with him. How no matter how many times I wanted to have sex with someone else, I didn’t; I couldn’t. It sucks. It hurts. Not because he didn’t say he love me back because in all honesty I don’t think I really feel that way. Only because he blocked me afterwards and didn’t say anything before leaving or while I was crying. He just left. I was in the moment and I was drunk. But you know what people even when we were in the car, I said somethings I shouldn’t have. I brought up situations with girls on social media. I constantly asked him about the chick in Belize. I told him sometimes I don’t know how to feel about us. I confused him, and I know I did. And in the end, we never really talked about having a serious relationship. I was aggressive. I liked what we had and wanted more and pushed for it.
I woke up at 3am still crying. I called him but it was too late. He blocked me on everything. So all communication is officially cut off. It sucks because I left my jacket and a pair of heels in his car. I want to say fuck them both and just buy something new. He told my cousin he will drop it off to me, but I’m unsure if I’m ready to see him yet. A part of me wants to hold on and well that aggressive side of me is telling me not to. To only Wipe my tears away and move on. But damn people, I’m tired of saying that. It’s funny because before I left out the house last Friday, I prayed about us. I asked for a sign for “This One” and myself. To either show he is the one or not. I guess this situation was my sign. I keep thinking about my past situation-ships and how things didn’t play out. But no matter what they always came back. And majority of them came back as good friends. “This One” was different. He wasn’t in the entertainment industry, he was just a regular guy. I felt comfortable around him. I liked the fact that it was more than just sex. It was about the vibe we had. I remember telling him Saturday how I want him to be more emotional and talk about his feelings with me. I could tell he isn’t that type of person. But I hoped just as he asked for me let my guard down and stop being so defensive that he will too let down his emotional guard. After two whole months we were still on the fence about each other. So why the hell did I think this was going to work out anyway.
This one hurts. It hurts more than “Him” and “DJ”. It hurts more than “My Love” and “Bigg”. It's the exact hurt I felt when “My Ex” and I broke up officially and I moved out. My emotions and feelings are all over the place.I first want to say I’m sorry for doubting you as a man. I’m sorry for not trusting your words when you were telling me there is no one else. I apologize on asking about the women on your instagram page. I should’ve known better not to do that. I’m sorry for making you feel as if I was controlling in any way. I’m sorry if you felt as if I pressured you something you wasn’t ready for. I’m sorry for breaking down like that in front of you. I’m sorry for letting my guard down for you. I’m sorry for thinking you could ever like an aggressive woman like myself. Moreover I’m sorry for being myself around you.
Just like my last situationship, I’m leaving it all on this blog. This is it between “This One” and myself. I have to pick myself up because I’m that aggressive woman and move on. If it’s meant to be, he will come back. But then again do I want a man like that to come back? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Never ask a man questions concerning cheating unless you are prepared with a plan to follow after”...
It’s like this, with “This One” I want to believe everything he says when it comes to other women, but he doesn’t give me any actual reassurance. For example, he went to Belize over the weekend with his male friends. I was told it was a “Bro's Trip”. But after our facetime conversation revealing two other females was there with them and how one fell asleep in his bed got me feeling a certain way. He stated, “Nothing happened between us. She didn’t give me a sign that she wanted to fuck. Besides it's too many diseases going on out here in the world for me just to be fucking on anyone”. But then I thought to myself, “If she did give you a sign would you have fucked?”. Is that pose to a way of reassuring me that he wouldn’t mess around on me? Besides after our one conversation about the first two girls he was seeing before me and how blankly he told me if he was to do fuck another girl, I would know. At this point I don’t know how to feel about “This One”. I thought my feelings were intact but even after our mini feud over him telling me I’m controlling. And us both admitting how we are unsure we are about this situation-ship for very different reasons. I thought I could I put that conversation to rest after our date and make up sex before he left to Belize. I thought I had let my guard down with “This One”. But something tells me to put it back up. Is it too late though? Have I fallen so deep for him that I am this confused. I wish his reassurance with us would be a little more clearer. Am I over thinking this entire thing? I keep looking back at the text message I sent him, telling him I’m not giving up on us. We aren’t going anywhere. And him replying saying, “T, I like you and all but I don’t feel as strong as you do”. See the irony in this all the more reasons why not to date her.
In my career life, I’m slowly starting to miss the corporate lifestyle. I miss the black and white rules even though sometimes I hated them. When I was at TC I was a manager and respected as a manager even when it wasn’t my shift to be manager. I had a superior that gave me tools I needed to advance in my career. Not saying I don’t have that now but it's a difference. I’m in control of my tools. There are sometimes when my GM does give me great advice, but at this point I want more. I understand I am a first level bar manager and things I am learning is nothing compared to everything I still have to learn. I just got comfortable closing down the bar and making sure all the cash and sales for that day lines up. I haven’t dealt with many customer issues and haven’t managed a shift where I have to be in 10 different spots all at once. The fact of the matter is this, in coporate you have a written out path plan that is given to you by your superior. At the bar you can have a path but you gotta make the plan yourself. I kicked down a bunch of doors for myself when I was in Corporate America. But why am I so scared to take risks and kick down doors in this new setting? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
My little sister is doing amazing in college. I just hope she doesn’t loose the the great fight of continuing. It’s 87 days left in this year. Thats 87 days to make my next couple of moves to kick down doors when it comes to this blog, my situation-ship, and my career. Lately, I have been told that I am too aggressive. So I toned it down. And in doing so, I think that’s when I started to question myself as a woman. My anxiety kicked in high gear. A facebook memory photo appeared of me I took with this photogether by the lake front. That woman in that photo was strong. That was this exact time last year when I changed my blog name to “Don’t Date Her”. That’s when I became so aggressive, that I went out and got another job to support my dreams. I was aggressive for a change for myself and my life. And as “Bigg” put it to this exact same date, “You are a boos ass woman”. The one thing that holds us back in life as humans is fear of change. I have never been the type to fear change, I always invited and rolled with the punches. That is what made me a much more successful aggressive woman. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Let me stop and think before I start to make impulsive decisions”….
Just a lil intro back into writing for my viewers..
It’s like this. Once you start something you gotta keep going to see the end results. I must admit, having writers block is no fun. Especially when it's your outlet for everyday life. My anxiety has risen because of this. Sleepless nights of over dramatically thinking. And my choice of wanting to make impulsive decisions. I have times where I want to scream out loud because I can’t sleep or can’t turn my thoughts off. I first notice that I had an anxiety problem when I was moving to New York. It got worse last summer during my quarter life crisis. The anxiety attacks or known as “panic attacks” kicks after my third night of not sleeping. I take countless of cold showers and many times telling myself to take deep breathes. My panic attacks always happen when I’m alone in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Sometimes it hard for me to cope with the outside world after I have a panic attack. So I stay inside and sleep all day. For the past month, this has been me. I do a damn good job by covering it up. Telling people I’m tired from work. I refuse to tell myself that I’m depressed or going through depression because I know I’m not. I just have to figure somethings out in life first. People reading this may wonder, why am I sharing this. And honestly I thought about that while writing this. Because it’s my blog about my life and that would be rude of me to not share this. And I’m pretty sure it’s countless of other people going through the same thing. So maybe I should take a step back from drinking for a while, take a step from trying to pursue my relationship with “This One”. Take a step back and look my finances again. Take a step back and view politics and what’s truly going on this world. Take a step back and look at my career goals. Take a step and view life on a different pedestal that I have not been viewing it on. Anxiety makes you loose yourself for a minute. And you don’t have that mentality to rangler everything back into one, you will be lost forever. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.