“When the path reveals itself, follow it”..
The first full week was rough, I mean really rough. Me trying to get back into the groove of working two jobs. I was tired exhausted and wanted to cry for a moment. Okay people well maybe not wanting to cry but you get the point. Saturday came and I honestly didn’t want to do anything. Not even hang out with “This One”. But he insisted and like always, we had a good time. Working two jobs is giving me the best motivation to push myself into what I want to be doing. And that's...Well..hopefully this blog and this blog only. But with me being the young black independent woman I am, I will most likely always have two jobs. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
So it happened. “This One” and I finally had sex. It was like the first time but ten times better. It was “I miss you”, “We making up”, “I’m sorry”, “I fucked up” sex. Before all that the question came at me once again from him, What is it that I want?. He said, “I know you want to be in a committed relationship T, and I don't think I’m the guy for that. My response was, Honestly, I don't want a committed relationship with everything that I have going on. I’m working two jobs now and more focus on my brand. I don't know what I want”. I left the conversation at that because he kept pushing me to say other things. That night I couldn’t sleep. But Sunday after us having sex, I left him a note saying, “I just want to be happy. Us to be happy. No titles no commitment for us to be happy with each other”. When I came back in from work, I noticed he took out the garbage, straighten my bed, couch, and shoes. Damn! But that Sunday night I received a phone call from my New York boo thang telling me he was staying in Chicago for a couple of days and want me to stay with him. I packed a bag and got a Uber to his hotel. I missed him and could honestly see myself with him all over again. I started to think what will happen between “This One” and myself if the New York boo thang and I decided to give it another try. It will be long distance but like with “This One” I am willing to try. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
One thing I can say with “This One” is I appreciate how concerned he is for me. Especially with me working these two jobs. It’s different with us now. He is more caring than the last time. It scares me. And every time he asks how do I feel about us, I always say how too tired I am to process that question. I’m mostly just saying it because I don't think that question is appropriate if he doesn't want anything serious. I took my mom to a play the other day. I told her what happened between us. She said I was stupid for talking back to him. That nothing I do will ever change his mind. But i’m not trying to change his mind. But I get what she saying. “As a woman are really going to go back into something you know don’t want. “You know your worth. Why are you short selling yourself”. I thought about her response and maybe she is right. Maybe I should distance myself away from him. On another note, “My Ex” proposed to his girlfriend. That’s right! The girl he cheated on me with he proposed to her. And here I am trying to convince myself that a committed relationship isn't what I want. At the end of the day. I have a lot going on. And the more I drown myself into my work, the more I don't want to think about relationships. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“The very first time I thought I was lost, My dungeon shook and my chains fell off”
So this happened, my phone fell in my shit (literally). I was in the bathroom pulling up my pants and my phone fell directly into the toilet full of shit. Damn I thought, I just can’t catch a break for nothing. The next day I got a new phone. Everything didn’t back up such as messages and a couple of pics. I have been holding onto these messages since I lived in New York. I guess you can say with this new start, I needed a new phone as well. At least that’s how I’m making it. I was mad at first but I got over it. Out with the old and in with a new I-phone. With that happening and the fact that my lil sister is still not talking to me over what happened months ago in Atlanta. I miss her and can’t wait to see her. My great-grandmother turned 84 this past Sunday and I didn’t get the chance to go over there. Why? Because I was too stuck in my own ways. Basically tired. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“This One” and I finally went on our first date after that whole situation. I was nervous. It started off awkward but then suddenly became normal. Funny thing is the event we went to was an event I knew “DJ” was going to be at. And like I said before when it comes to me with “DJ” sometimes he has no chill. So of course I saw him and gave him the biggest hug during the event and after. Even said his real name in front of “This One” so he could know who he was. Now I know you thinking why? And this is petty. Yes, people I know it is. But maybe that's because I’m still hurt. And sometimes as a black woman being that petty to a guy who hurt you might give you a bit of relief. He must have sensed how bad my feet were killing me in my heel boots because he discovered a speaker next to the stage for me to sit on. “Sit down and relax for a min”. He said to me. “This One” has always been caring and concerned. He always tells me to relax and breathe. After the event, we walked back to the car holding hands telling each other how much fun we had. I didn’t expect to spend the night so I didn’t shave or prep “Her”. But honestly cuddling with him was the best way to end our night. He held me tight and didn’t let me go. Even when I moved he re-positioned to continue holding me. At that moment all my feelings came back. We didn’t have sex and honestly I think I want to hold out again. As I am writing this, I’m thinking how long should I hold out. My hormones are raging and I don’t want anybody else sex but his. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I started my new job yesterday. I like it so far. I know I will have my days where I’m super tired. I’m scared to tell my GM about this role because it’s my GM. But honestly he has been the most supportive person in my corner. I feel bad starting a new part time job without telling him first. But i’m guessing it will be okay. As far as me managing at the bar, I’ve been having lots of talks with another manager which is the actual manager who hired me. It wasn’t a come to Jesus talk but more of, “Get your shit together and act like you are a manager”. And he’s right. I have not been the best manager for the past month. I have to be better. Why? Because as my grandmother puts it, you have three strikes against you already. You are black, a woman, and successful. You are dangerous to society. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“It’s not about having a relationship or “title” it’s about who’s gonna be on time when you need them. Having someone’s back no matter what, is what love is” -Unknown instagram user
It’s like this, looking back at the month of October for me, I was a wreck. Crying all the time, spending money I don’t have. And through everything that I went through last month, I can finally say things are starting to change. It’s was one of those moments where I have to remember “it's only temporary”. And it was. Nov.s 1st I landed a second job at a clothing store. Back to my original style of me of working two jobs at once starting next week. My thought always have been and always will be this, the more I work the less time I have to get myself into trouble. And what I mean by trouble is spending unnecessary money or hanging out late nights and drinking. That was my biggest problem too for the past couple of months. Since I have been working at the bar and promoted to manager, my drinking has been getting a little out of hand. I need to calm this down immediately. As bad as I want to say no drinking for the rest of the month, I can’t. It's the industry I work in. So instead I’m going to set boundaries. I am only allowed to drink twice a week. That’s it. Writing this sounds so embarrassing but I have to keep in mind. This is a judgement free blog. So like my GM told me, don't worry about what others think of you. Do want you want to do because you want to do it not because that's what others want you to do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
It's like this, when it comes to me dating I have often thought what makes guys attracted to me. And every time I’ve asked a guy this question, the answer is always “You’re different”. Of course I’m different. Always have been. Always will be. But me being different doesn’t mean I settle. Doesn’t mean I want a commitment with the first person who says that want to be in a relationship with me. I’m complicated at times. And it takes a very unique person to open and comfortable to deal with me. I haven’t found that person yet. In fact all the guys ‘m currently talking to, none of them seem to be my type. Last night when I was three out of the many guys I am talking to all came to job. I choked for a moment but in the back in my head I thought, “you a bad bitch. You got this”. And I handled every single one. The first guy is a young guy. He instantly peeped my game and sent me a rude ass text message. If I was the old me, I would have cursed him clean out. But he is young and Dominican. Nah baby I’m cool. Next! The second guy I have been messing around with for the longest. But he gets drunk he likes to express his feelings for me. Sorry dude. But if you can't say the same things to me while you sober. Then I’m good. NEXT! The third guy I actually invited up there. He is sweet and kind and is ready for marriage now. He has two kids too. Yes I want a relationship but I want someone I can build that with. Besides I’m use to assholes and I think my personality might shock him in the future. Moreover I want to pump the breaks with us for a min so I can take my time to get to know him properly. Sooo yeaaa NEXT! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“This One” and I are hanging out this Sunday. I'm nervous, excited, and might just throw up before the date. It’s weird with us because I know at any moment things can go left. We talk small talk all day everyday but it's not how it use to be. Some days I don't know what else to say to him. And half of the time, I just really want to know what does he think about me now. Yea he says he “fucks with me” but what does that mean? What does any of this mean actually? Are we still the same two people? Does he miss me like how I miss him? Does he want to hold me again night? Does he even think about us like that anymore? I sent him a text saying how excited I was for Sunday. My heart dropped! I couldn’t believe I sent that. I waited 2 min (which seemed like an hour) for a text back. His responded, “Me too”. A sense of relief but we are still not there yet.
Looking back last month when I thought my life was in shambles, it wasn’t. It was a simple growing pains of being an adult. The most important thing I have learned is this, sometimes leveling up takes isolation, separation, and extreme focus. Maybe last month was the time for me to prep myself for new adventures. So here I am Nov. 2nd. I got a part time job, met one of my idols and told him about my blog which he now follows, became a brand ambassador for a new vodka, and realized the biggest cheerleader on my side is myself. I got this! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.