Fun Girl: “A girl that is typically somewhat attractive that men like to have fun with but never intend on marrying”.
So here we are. A whole 20 days later after my last blog. I feel there is so much to catch everyone up on. First and foremost I am excited that I have officially started a brand (like actually on paper contracts and all) and my first event is fully set in place. It seems after my breakdown, all things are starting to become a little more clearer. And for the first time in a long time, I am starting to know what I don’t want and what I do want, and how to deal with what I have now. I guess you can say “This One” was right, I need to slow down and take some time for myself in the midst of two jobs. So I told myself on my off day, I want no one else around. Just me, myself, and I and my tv and snacks. I can not wait for the holidays to be over with. This is the last and final stretch of the year so why not make it the best.
I was kind of surprised when “This One” gave me my christmas gift. Not because of what he gave me but in all honesty he is the first guy to actually give me an Christmas gift. “My Ex” never gave me anything because he always believed gifts should not be given just on holidays but every day. But truth be told he was just broke. I can tell with “This One” and I there is something there that wasn’t before. And no matter how many times I can try to have sex with another guy, the guiltiness always comes to mind and then I don’t follow through with it. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I started to talking with one of my coworkers at my second gig. Needless to say, it's really just sexual tension amongst us. While at work, we make every chance we get. Like others, he has been to my bar a couple of times but never to my crib. Today was the day I decided not to look at him in that way anymore. Why? Because he told me that he does have someone else he is interested in besides me. He told me how they have history and was thinking about a relationship. I took that as a key sign for me to get out. Besides who really wants to shit where they eat at? Especially at that company! Another guy I was talking to went emotionally crazy over me. And talked about how we had selfish sex and how I felt comfortable inviting him in my bed. Little does he know how many other dudes beside him has been in my bed! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I get mixed signals from the universe when it comes to “This One”. Why did he buy me that christmas gift (and it actually being something I wanted)? Why does he keep talking to me after each of my drunk episodes? Am I the only one he talks to? What does he actually think of me? Does he truly deep down want to be with me? Am I just a fun girl for all these dudes I am talking to? I guess the only way to overcome my guiltiness fear to actually try to have sex with someone else. So I called up “DJ” and demanded him to come over. After all “My Love” is coming out here this weekend for New Years Eve. And knowing him, I better not have no fear in fucking him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
“Cry it out and keep it moving”
-3am Self Thoughts
I seriously hate nights like this where I can't sleep but need to sleep. It always happens on the nights where I have to get up and work both jobs in the same day. And then before you know it by 11pm i'm nodding off in the office. Nights like this makes me not want to talk to anyone during the day. I literally wanna stay at home and hide. If I told you I tried to commit suicide last week would you believe me? Probably not. Why because like others you may view me as the young black woman with life morals and has someone that has their shit together. Well I don't. And somethings that will forever continue to bother me about who I am and the choices I have made. Even though I am blessed to have two jobs, I don't want to do it. And I know the only reason why I am doing it is to have extra money in my pocket because as an entrepreneur you always need money to finance your brand. No matter how many times I keep saying I am going to go back to school, honestly I’m probably not. I just don't want to. And I know this day in age an Associate's degree can only get you so far but I don't want to work in corporate America under someone. I want my own Shit. I want my blog to be my career. Two months ago it seemed as if I had a clear direction and knew what I wanted and steps to take to get there. And now since I have been accomplishing these goals my life is like WHAT THE FUCK! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
I feel embarrassed when I talk about my anxiety. I feel like people don't understand and look at you strange. I had a nervous breakdown last week at 4am out of my sleep. I knew “This One” would be up so I called him. He got me an Uber to the emergency room. I felt ashamed. We never spoke about it since that day. What triggered it this time? Two days before I was going through the emotions like now. I made some wrong decisions before I knew it, I was lying on the bathroom floor thinking about all the things I wanted to do to kill myself. If I would have taken several of deep breathes and went into hiding mode, I would have never made those terrible decisions which caused these suicidal thoughts.
Its 3:51am and honestly all I want to do is sleep. But I can't too many thoughts going on regarding friendships, family, and finances. Not to mention the thoughts of “This One” sleeping with another woman is killing me. Not saying he is or isn’t. It's just hard to put my finger on it. And since we are not in a committed relationship, it would wrong for me to ask. But I hate to think he wakes up happy as he does to me with another chick. Moreover I would hate to think that once again I am falling for him. Maybe my therapist is right. I am taking on too much at one time. Slow down and let things come to you for a change. Stop thinking you always need to go running for the answers. Make a plan follow through but most importantly slow down and remember to breathe. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.