#darkDays

“The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest” -Kanye West
​
I would never forget the morning I wanted to kill myself. I was having a major panic attack. That weekend my anxiety was all over the place. I had just started a new job and wasn’t ready to start back working two jobs but I did because in my mind that was the only way for me to get over somethings that was going on. I was depressed. That entire month of October I was getting really drunk. Like black out drunk and going to work constantly with a hangover. The day before I was hungover all day. That’s when the thoughts of killing myself appeared. I thought, “was is life?”  “I’m not shit and will never be shit for anyone”. The knife was in my hand but I couldn’t do it. “This One” had called me back since he was on his way to work. I broke down crying and told him I was having another panic attack. He immediately got me an uber to the hospital. When I was in the hospital among other suicidal patients, they took away all of our belongings and isolated us separate rooms. I saw five different therapist that day. They all agreed that I wasn’t a suicidal person. But just needed therapy. I went to one therapy session and was done. Should’ve stayed going but that shit cost and at that time  I wasn’t insured. Listening to Kanye’s new album brought back all the memories and thoughts of that time. I’m happy that I didn’t decide to cute my throat. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

Now that is off my chest, let me bring you people up to speed. I gave my month’s notice to the clothing store. Honestly, I felt good about it. I like working there but just not happy and I need something a little more flexible with my lifestyle. Today I have one interview lined up and going to drop off my resumes at other places. I am praying that I land something within the next week or so. Step one, believe in yourself (check!). Step two, go after and get it! I’m still going to work at the bar because I am a manager there. Even though there are days that I want to quit it's something about my GM that brings me back in. Maybe because that no matter what he believes in me and always there when I need ear or advice. Besides like my old Assistant manager told me, “sometimes it's not about what position you can get next, but more so learning all you can in the position that you are in now”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

So I’m pretty sure you all wondering about the men that I am dating. Let me make this quick for you. “Him” has a girlfriend and I’m just now finding out about her. I was surprised when I found out and I did the “Why not me” thing. But in the end, had to chuck up the deuces and keep it moving. “My Love” and I are still trying to figure out this whole long distance thing. At least I am talking to him more often now. “The Young Boy” and I started messing back around for a week. Then I got drunk and sent him an angry text because he didn’t want to go out with me one night. Now he is back not talking to me. And Honestly, I care but then again I don’t. You are not about to fuck me, use me for ubers, and come to the bar thinking you are going to drink for free when you feel like it. And I’m trying to be civil with him while we are at work but the petty person in me is trying to come out. I faked blocked “This One” for two days. Only because he wasn’t being honest with me. I would respect you more if you are honest about what you are doing. So I called him out on his bullshit and then blocked him. I unblocked him but honestly don’t care if he contacts to me. We vibe and fucks with each other. But sometimes you gotta protect your energy at all cost. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I shot my promo video for my blog this past saturday. I am excited to see the finish production on it. I appreciate all the women that came out and shared their story on why they are single. After the shoot I went to sleep I was tired. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm. I was tired woke up this morning feeling a little refreshed. I was exhausted after working three weeks straight. Today is my day to regroup, refocus, and regain some energy that I lost. We as humans all have our dark days. But remember at the end of every dark tunnel there is the light. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.