#Dec62017

“Cry it out and keep it moving”

                    -3am Self Thoughts

I seriously hate nights like this where I can't sleep but need to sleep. It always happens on the nights where I have to get up and work both jobs in the same day. And then before you know it by 11pm i'm nodding off in the office. Nights like this makes me not want to talk to anyone during the day. I literally wanna stay at home and hide. If I told you I tried to commit suicide last week would you believe me? Probably not. Why because like others you may view me as the young black woman with life morals and has someone that has their shit together. Well I don't. And somethings that will forever continue to bother me about who I am and the choices I have made. Even though I am blessed to have two jobs, I don't want to do it. And I know the only reason why I am doing it is to have extra money in my pocket because as an entrepreneur you always need money to finance your brand. No matter how many times I keep saying I am going to go back to school, honestly I’m probably not. I just don't want to. And I know this day in age an Associate's degree can only get you so far but I don't want to work in corporate America under someone. I want my own Shit. I want my blog to be my career. Two months ago it seemed as if I had a clear direction and knew what I wanted and steps to take to get there. And now since I have been accomplishing these goals my life is like  WHAT THE FUCK! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I feel embarrassed when I talk about my anxiety. I feel like people don't understand and look at you strange. I had a nervous breakdown last week at 4am out of my sleep. I knew “This One” would be up so I called him. He got me an Uber to the emergency room. I felt ashamed. We never spoke about it since that day. What triggered it this time? Two days before I was going through the emotions like now. I made some wrong decisions before I knew it, I was lying on the bathroom floor thinking about all the things I wanted to do to kill myself. If I would have taken several of deep breathes and went into hiding mode, I would have never made those terrible decisions which caused these suicidal thoughts.

Its 3:51am and honestly all I want to do is sleep. But I can't too many thoughts going on regarding friendships, family, and finances. Not to mention the thoughts of “This One” sleeping with another woman is killing me. Not saying he is or isn’t. It's just hard to put my finger on it. And since we are not in a committed relationship, it would wrong for me to ask. But I hate to think he wakes up happy as he does to me with another chick. Moreover I would hate to think that once again I am falling for him. Maybe my therapist is right. I am taking on too much at one time. Slow down and let things come to you for a change. Stop thinking you always need to go running for the answers. Make a plan follow through but most importantly slow down and remember to breathe. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.