#Triggered

“There are two types of tired. One that requires sleep. One that requires peace. Protect your energy”. - Some Post from FaceBook 

I haven’t blogged in a while…. So excuse me if my thoughts are everywhere in this post…

“I just don’t have the mental capacity to deal with us anymore”. My exact words to “This Light Skin Fella for the past couple of days. And after several tries of saying “I’m done” to each other, I’m finally at the point where I need to be done. I guess the real reason for holding on this situation-ship was the thought of him becoming something I wanted. But after not working for the past three weeks, I see this is always going to be a one-side situation-ship where he benefits everything and I get nothing but sex. I know have some toxic traits too. I know I can push a man’s limit. But after him going through my phone and seeing what he saw, maybe I am the toxic one. I asked him, “if I do things to piss you off all the time, why do you come back?” He said. “ I don’t know that’s what I’m trying to figure out”. See the irony in this? All the more reason why not to date her. 

Yes, you read it right. I haven’t worked a full-time gig in the past three weeks. I feel this is a glimpse of my life last year around this time. I am doing the best I can do keeping my hopes and spirits up. And every single last conversation I have had with my friends or family has been nothing but positive. This is a really good time for me to rebrand myself and truly set out to do what I want to do. Even if that’s leaving Chicago again. I wouldn’t say I’m struggling but I’m definitely in a transition phase in my life. See the irony in this? All the more reason why not to date her. 

I told “The Light Skin Fella” we don’t have anything holding us back from officially being done. The first night he went through my phone, he packed his stuff and left. He has nothing here and I have nothing in his presence. With everything I have going on with my career, I can’t keep arguing, nitpicking, and going back and forth. It’s not healthy on both ends. Be my peace when I come home after dealing with the general public all day. Be there for me emotionally because of my job situation right now. Don’t over-analyze what’s in my phone if were aren’t truly in a relationship. Don’t criticize me because of something I want to do and it’s not something you don’t agree with. See the irony in this? All the more reason why not to date her. 

While I have it, I’m taking the time this week to work on being at peace with myself. Meditation and self- reflection baby! I always make lemonade out of lemons when life throws them my way. I can’t be sad, angry, or emotionally unstable. That type of energy doesn’t work for a person like myself. I had a really deep conversation with this guy the other morning. He said, “Tati people will manipulate if you let them. Making you believe everything is your fault when they are the ones that are struggling.” As I’m laying there next to him, I’m thinking maybe he is right. I have always been attracted to men who can hold an intellectual conversation after sex. See the irony in this? All the more reason why not to date her.