#ultralightbeam pt.1

“The very first time I thought I was lost, My dungeon shook and my chains fell off”
-James Baldwin

So this happened, my phone fell in my shit (literally). I was in the bathroom pulling up my pants and my phone fell directly into the toilet full of shit. Damn I thought, I just can’t catch a break for nothing. The next day I got a new phone. Everything didn’t back up such as messages and a couple of pics. I have been holding onto these messages since I lived in New York. I guess you can say with this new start, I needed a new phone as well. At least that’s how I’m making it. I was mad at first but I got over it. Out with the old and in with a new I-phone. With that happening and the fact that my lil sister is still not talking to me over what happened months ago in Atlanta. I miss her and can’t wait to see her. My great-grandmother turned 84 this past Sunday and I didn’t get the chance to go over there. Why? Because I was too stuck in my own ways. Basically tired. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

“This One” and I finally went on our first date after that whole situation. I was nervous. It started off awkward but then suddenly became normal. Funny thing is the event we went to was an event I knew “DJ” was going to be at. And like I said before when it comes to me with “DJ” sometimes he has no chill. So of course I saw him and gave him the biggest hug during the event and after. Even said his real name in front of “This One” so he could know who he was. Now I know you thinking why? And this is petty. Yes, people I know it is. But maybe that's because I’m still hurt. And sometimes as a black woman being that petty to a guy who hurt you might give you a bit of relief. He must have sensed how bad my feet were killing me in my heel boots because he discovered a speaker next to the stage for me to sit on. “Sit down and relax for a min”. He said to me. “This One” has always been caring and concerned. He always tells me to relax and breathe. After the event, we walked back to the car holding hands telling each other how much fun we had. I didn’t expect to spend the night so I didn’t shave or prep “Her”. But honestly cuddling with him was the best way to end our night. He held me tight and didn’t let me go. Even when I moved he re-positioned to continue holding me. At that moment all my feelings came back. We didn’t have sex and honestly I think I want to hold out again. As I am writing this, I’m thinking how long should I hold out. My hormones are raging and I don’t want anybody else sex but his. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I started my new job yesterday. I like it so far. I know I will have my days where I’m super tired. I’m scared to tell my GM about this role because it’s my GM. But honestly he has been the most supportive person in my corner. I feel bad starting a new part time job without telling him first. But i’m guessing it will be okay. As far as me managing at the bar, I’ve been having lots of talks with another manager which is the actual manager who hired me. It wasn’t a come to Jesus talk but more of, “Get your shit together and act like you are a manager”. And he’s right. I have not been the best manager for the past month. I have to be better. Why? Because as my grandmother puts it, you have three strikes against you already. You are black, a woman, and successful. You are dangerous to society. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.