"You sometimes want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found."
-Some Instagram Meme
Some days I wish I could run away from it all: the thoughts..the feelings..the emotions. I wished I could step away and come back, and things in my life could be perfect. So when I sat down and thought about how my anxiety flared up the other night, maybe it's not about running away. Perhaps it's just as simple as walking away. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"A little less mercy makes the world less cold and more just."
- Pope Francis
I slept all day Tuesday. I hardly ate and drank anything. I just slept. I didn't answer my phone and wasn't present on social media. I needed to be away from the world for a while. I needed to take time for myself. I needed to take time to sort my thoughts out. It's weird. One moment I was fine, and the next, I felt as if my head was a burning building and everything was Collapsing. I was officially in my thoughts was in overload mode. And at that point, there was no escaping them. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Progress is a process & sometimes shit gets hard and you just need a min."
-A Very Special Person in My Life Right Now
It took a day and some hours. But I finally got myself out of the funk. Pulled me out of the deep depression thoughts. I Pulled myself out of the thoughts of me being less than a woman. Here I am, sitting, writing my second book. Here I am sitting, creating new content and planning events for my brand. Here I am creating a training manual for my job. Every thought I had that didn't validate me as a woman went away. I am that bitch! I am that woman. I'm not an ordinary female; therefore, I can't have anyone around me that does not feel the same. Cheer up, kid. You got this! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Peace of mind: Peace of mind is a mental state of calmness or tranquility, a freedom from worry or anxiety." -Dictonary.com
It's 2022, and I have come to terms at this point in life; I just want to have peace of mind. The relationship between myself and "The New Love of My Life" has ended. I want to get back to the woman I was before I met him and that my friends may take a lot of healing. It may take a lot of letting go of old habits. It may take a lot of letting go of many toxic traits and thoughts. It may take a lot of growth, patience, and self-perseverance. It may take a lot of self-awareness at the moment. It may take distance, tears, and a lot of emotions. It may take some strength and courage that I never knew I had in myself as a woman. It may take a lot of meditation, prayer, and a new mental thought process. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Just because you are used to chaos doesn't mean you have to continue to live in it."
- Kia Smith Writes
A piece of me wants to go back and work things out. But then again, a piece of me does not. It's a lot of lessons that need to be learned on both ends when it comes to our relationship. I do know that I can't be with someone who doesn't mentally make me feel whole as a woman all the time. I can't be with someone who doesn't hold themselves accountable when they are wrong. If I was his everything, why did he think it would be okay to flirt with multiple women online. Or More so, why did it even matter that I posted "our dog" on Christmas. And friends call me bat shit crazy, but my mind goes everywhere when things don't add up. So yes, I did my last toxic trait of 2021 and added this particular female he told me he doesn't talk to and three other people we knew in my close friends and called him out on his bullshit. After she viewed it, I took it down and blocked her. And what do you know she told took a screenshot and texted it to him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Awareness is the first step in healing." -Dean Ornish.
I took a couple of days off from work to get myself together mentally. I'm not hurting in life. I have a good-paying career in cannabis. I can keep a roof over my head. I'm financially stable. I'm just going through a breakup. I have gone through worst times than this. I just want peace at this point. Maybe I was the toxic person in this relationship, or perhaps he wasn't healed all the way from his previous marriage. But this year, I want to learn how to protect my mental state when things get tough or if someone or something triggers my past trauma. I want to build with someone who makes me feel secure in our relationship. I want consistent date nights and nasty ass sex whenever I want to. I want to take trips. I want a man willing to talk things out instead of blocking me when he doesn't get his way.
But moreover, I want a man who will respect me and my mental and put me on that higher pedestal. So here is to 2022; I am coming for everything that didn't happen in 2021 and a new peace of mind. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
(Written Jan. 5th 2022)
It’s been a while since I have written something for the public to read. And I want to apologize to everyone who has been following this blog since Day 1. You all have seen me grow, learn, heal, grow again, learn more, heal again, and everything else. If I started back blogging about my life and dating life, I need to be the most valuable as possible for my readers. I was most open and honest about my dating life, but I wasn’t honest with my true feelings. I was always the type of woman to quickly move on or bury myself in my work. I never sat down to process my feelings and the reasons behind why I felt the way I did. When Covid hit, I thought I had no choice but to make sure this brand grew into something magnificent. I had no choice but to venture off into a career path financially. I wasn’t too worried about dating. I was content with who I had. And then I met someone.
I didn’t know how to communicate my triggers and past emotional outbursts to him. And if we are being honest, I never understood those until I had to be entirely by myself recently. For the entire of December, I couldn’t sleep. I had the worst anxiety. What caused my anxiety was this fear of change. I had an abrupt change in my life from friends to family to my current intimate relationships. That caused me to be very uncomfortable with being by myself in my thoughts. One day I couldn’t take it anymore, so I started journaling my thoughts. After Journaling my emotions and thoughts, I felt better. I was able to sleep. To sum this all up, “Friends,” it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Go through those emotions. Understand them. Learn from them. I started this blog not just as an outlet for me but as a guide. Everyone deserves a second chance at life. And maybe 2022 is my year to finally get it right. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not date her.