"Peace of mind: Peace of mind is a mental state of calmness or tranquility, a freedom from worry or anxiety." -Dictonary.com
It's 2022, and I have come to terms at this point in life; I just want to have peace of mind. The relationship between myself and "The New Love of My Life" has ended. I want to get back to the woman I was before I met him and that my friends may take a lot of healing. It may take a lot of letting go of old habits. It may take a lot of letting go of many toxic traits and thoughts. It may take a lot of growth, patience, and self-perseverance. It may take a lot of self-awareness at the moment. It may take distance, tears, and a lot of emotions. It may take some strength and courage that I never knew I had in myself as a woman. It may take a lot of meditation, prayer, and a new mental thought process. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Just because you are used to chaos doesn't mean you have to continue to live in it."
- Kia Smith Writes
A piece of me wants to go back and work things out. But then again, a piece of me does not. It's a lot of lessons that need to be learned on both ends when it comes to our relationship. I do know that I can't be with someone who doesn't mentally make me feel whole as a woman all the time. I can't be with someone who doesn't hold themselves accountable when they are wrong. If I was his everything, why did he think it would be okay to flirt with multiple women online. Or More so, why did it even matter that I posted "our dog" on Christmas. And friends call me bat shit crazy, but my mind goes everywhere when things don't add up. So yes, I did my last toxic trait of 2021 and added this particular female he told me he doesn't talk to and three other people we knew in my close friends and called him out on his bullshit. After she viewed it, I took it down and blocked her. And what do you know she told took a screenshot and texted it to him. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
"Awareness is the first step in healing." -Dean Ornish.
I took a couple of days off from work to get myself together mentally. I'm not hurting in life. I have a good-paying career in cannabis. I can keep a roof over my head. I'm financially stable. I'm just going through a breakup. I have gone through worst times than this. I just want peace at this point. Maybe I was the toxic person in this relationship, or perhaps he wasn't healed all the way from his previous marriage. But this year, I want to learn how to protect my mental state when things get tough or if someone or something triggers my past trauma. I want to build with someone who makes me feel secure in our relationship. I want consistent date nights and nasty ass sex whenever I want to. I want to take trips. I want a man willing to talk things out instead of blocking me when he doesn't get his way.
But moreover, I want a man who will respect me and my mental and put me on that higher pedestal. So here is to 2022; I am coming for everything that didn't happen in 2021 and a new peace of mind. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
(Written Jan. 5th 2022)