#4amthoughts

So after being up since 2am..I decided to write…

There he was standing in my doorway for the second time with items that belong to me. Here we go again. The final goodbye. I told “This One” to come in so we can talk. I wanted more answers to why he wanted to end our situationship. But he gave me the run around answer of “if we didn’t end it now, then how else would we have ended it”. Thinking back to it, he was ready to end it. For whatever reason, he wasn’t happy. Maybe he wanted more. Maybe he was tired of doing what we do? I thought about the last time we had sex, and I didn’t swallow when he wanted me to. Could this be why? I am not sexual enough for him? I did everything different. I cared for him. I respected him as a man. After our convo, I asked him if he still wanted to go to the show that I bought tickets for. His reply, “No”. I asked him if he was coming to my event. His reply, “No, I have something else planned for that day”. “This One” really want out! He left and I sat alone in my kitchen and cried thinking back to my past relationships when I gave my all. But is my all enough? Will I ever be enough for “This One” or for any man that I could potentially see myself in a serious committed relationship with? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

At least I have “The Young Boy” to depend when I just need some extra company. I told “The Young Boy” about my conversation with “This One”. I also told him I cried. He told me I deserve a lot better and that whole situation wasn’t my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It felt good to hear that coming from a guy who I am sexually active with but also have a great commutative friendship with. With “The Young Boy”, our situationship is different. I mean it’s sexual but we are very open and comfortable with talking to each other about current relationships with other people. I know he has a chick he is going to be serious with and when that time comes we will end it. I asked him if she knows about us. His reply, “No and she doesn’t need to know. I have needs and she is a virgin”. Is it bad that he sleeps with me but have a love connection with her. But after he told me we don’t always have to sex every time we hang out made me feel a little better. But then again, I have needs too! And if he okay with it then so I am. The other night we smoked and cuddled the entire night. No sex! I woke up next to him holding me. I have never felt better. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I would say this planning this event has made me grow up a lot. Everyday there is something different. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed and nervous. I decided to add another promotion team on it to create more buzz. I would love to collect all the money for myself but this is my first event and going into it I knew I was going to lose money. I was talking to one of my managers about depression and how people have to find some type of hobby that brings enjoyment to their life. So on days where I feel unsure about my event because of my nerves, I think about how I am investing in myself and how that brings enjoyment to me. I had to make some tough decisions with this event. I have and entire team looking at me for direction. It kinda feels like I am an CEO and that what I like. It’s going on 5am and I wish I would have wrote this sooner. Maybe I would have fallen back asleep by now. As I am laying in my bed, I thought I was going to have it all by the time I turn 27: the career of my dreams, the love of my life, and working towards marriage. But you can’t have it all well at least not at once. And everytime I think I have it all, my love life fails but career succeeds. What does this mean? Is it the type of men I am dating or is it really me? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.