#Chapter1ofCTRLl

“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself”....-Laurence Sterne

-I wasn’t ready to face the facts but let this be my last cry over him….

So it happened. Once I thought I was going to have my cake and eat it too, I received a text message from “This One” telling me we should just be friends. After I sent him a screenshot of the tickets I bought him for Valentine's day. Random I thought. Maybe he is going through some things in his personal life I thought. But when I asked him what was his reasoning, he said he didn't want to complicate things. Meaning feelings are just going to get even more involved and how would we feel if one of us was to get into a serious relationship with someone else. But from my understanding this is something we both wanted. A simple friendship with benefits. For us to hang out, chill, and have great sex. For us just to be happy! It hurts only because “This One” says he has been thinking about this for a minute. But in my defense, I asked him if he was okay with us and where we are last week when he spent the night. WHAT THE FUCK! I instantly broke down. Again I thought. “AGAIN!”, I screamed through the phone. “You are doing this to me again. After I let you back into my life”. “T i’m sorry”, He said. I was mad at myself.  What was it that made him decide this at that moment. Is it me? Is it another chick? Did I do something wrong? I gave you what you wanted. And it still wasn’t enough. I did everything for you to show that I was different and it still wasn’t enough. Now I’m looking myself in the mirror thinking about the woman I am today. Will I ever be enough? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I remember the mental space I was at last October when this happened to us before. I was all over the place. Drinking heavy. Crying every two seconds. I don’t want that this time around. And let’s be honest. The signs were there. But as a woman that wears her heart on her sleeve, I choose to ignore them. I knew what to expect letting him back in my life. But I did it anyway and ignored the proceed with caution signs. Even though I have other dudes I am talking to, I put him as my main. He got all my time when I did have it. All these maybe’s keep popping up in my head. Like maybe he is intimidated by me like other males are. Or maybe he wants someone he can see all the time and not just once a week. He explained to me how he feels I want a serious relationship with him. In all honesty I have thought about it. But then again, he is not the one I could see myself in a serious type of relationship. I love him far as caring about him. But I am not in love him. He sucks because I feel like I wasted months and the time I invested into this situationship I can’t get back. Learning how to move on from these types of things has always been a problem for me. Maybe it’s time to really focus on myself. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.  

In talking to all my male friends about it, they said I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s him this time. And maybe they are right. Who knows. I wish I would have gotten that train ticket to Indianapolis to see “My Love”. It possibly would have been a great distraction from this all. I got this whole entire weekend off but I don’t want to sit around and cry about it. I don’t want to sit around and drink on it either. Like my male coworker told me, “T you are writing a book. It’s time to close that chapter and start a new one”. And maybe he is right. I can’t focus on the maybes and that what ifs with “This One”. I have to focus myself and my huge event that I have coming up. I don’t have that mental space right now to be frustrated, sad, and angry about it. And maybe that's what I need to start reminding myself everyday. In my last blog post, I talked about having control. And maybe this is my test for control. So here is to me, closing out this chapter and entering a new chapter of control. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.