#nov2nd2017

“It’s not about having a relationship or “title” it’s about who’s gonna be on time when you need them. Having someone’s back no matter what, is what love is” -Unknown instagram user

It’s like this, looking back at the month of October for me, I was a wreck. Crying all the time, spending money I don’t have. And through everything that I went through last month, I can finally say things are starting to change. It’s was one of those moments where I have to remember “it's only temporary”. And it was. Nov.s 1st I landed a second job at a clothing store. Back to my original style of me of working two jobs at once starting next week. My thought always have been and always will be this, the more I work the less time I have to get myself into trouble. And what I mean by trouble is spending unnecessary money or hanging out late nights and drinking. That was my biggest problem too for the past couple of months. Since I have been working at the bar and promoted to manager, my drinking has been getting a little out of hand. I need to calm this down immediately. As bad as I want to say no drinking for the rest of the month, I can’t. It's the industry I work in. So instead I’m going to set boundaries. I am only allowed to drink twice a week. That’s it. Writing this sounds so embarrassing but I have to keep in mind. This is a judgement free blog. So like my GM told me, don't worry about what others think of you. Do want you want to do because you want to do it not because that's what others want you to do. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

It's like this, when it comes to me dating I have often thought what makes guys attracted to me. And every time I’ve asked a guy this question, the answer is always “You’re different”. Of course I’m different. Always have been. Always will be. But me being different doesn’t mean I settle. Doesn’t mean I want a commitment with the first person who says that want to be in a relationship with me. I’m complicated at times. And it takes a very unique person to open and comfortable to deal with me. I haven’t found that person yet. In fact all the guys ‘m currently talking to, none of them seem to be my type. Last night when I was three out of the many guys I am talking to all came to job. I choked for a moment but in the back in my head I thought, “you a bad bitch. You got this”. And I handled every single one. The first guy is a young guy. He instantly peeped my game and sent me a rude ass text message. If I was the old me, I would have cursed him clean out. But he is young and Dominican. Nah baby I’m cool. Next! The second guy I have been messing around with for the longest. But he gets drunk he likes to express his feelings for me. Sorry dude. But if you can't say the same things to me while you sober. Then I’m good. NEXT! The third guy I actually invited up there. He is sweet and kind and is ready for marriage now. He has two kids too. Yes I want a relationship but I want someone I can build that with. Besides I’m use to assholes and I think my personality might shock him in the future. Moreover I want to pump the breaks with us for a min so I can take my time to get to know him properly. Sooo yeaaa NEXT! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

“This One” and I are hanging out this Sunday. I'm nervous, excited, and might just throw up before the date. It’s weird with us because I know at any moment things can go left. We talk small talk all day everyday but it's not how it use to be. Some days I don't know what else to say to him. And half of the time, I just really want to know what does he think about me now. Yea he says he “fucks with me” but what does that mean? What does any of this mean actually? Are we still the same two people? Does he miss me like how I miss him? Does he want to hold me again night? Does he even think about us like that anymore? I sent him a text saying how excited I was for Sunday. My heart dropped! I couldn’t believe I sent that. I waited 2 min (which seemed like an hour) for a text back. His responded, “Me too”. A sense of relief but we are still not there yet.

Looking back last month when I thought my life was in shambles, it wasn’t. It was a simple growing pains of being an adult. The most important thing I have learned is this, sometimes leveling up takes isolation, separation, and extreme focus. Maybe last month was the time for me to prep myself for new adventures. So here I am Nov. 2nd. I got a part time job, met one of my idols and told him about my blog which he now follows, became a brand ambassador for a new vodka, and realized the biggest cheerleader on my side is myself. I got this! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.