“Change has to come within” -7am thoughts I woke up decided today is the day for me to write down the list of goals I want to accomplish by the end of this year. My first step is actually finding a part time job. Why you might ask? Because I need the funding to take this blog to the next level. I don’t want to stretch my money so thin that I end up deciding to either pay a bill or pay for the continuation of this blog. My mom says I’m crazy for investing that much money in it. But I think one day it's going to pay off. It has to. I want it to. I figured I need to start channeling my energy into else where and not on “This One”. It’s time for me to snap out my pity party and stop questioning what I could have done to prevent that situation. Instead I need to move forward. It has been officially two weeks since that incident happened between us. I tried everything to get back in contact with him. But yet and still, nothing. I even had my cousin to hit him and ask if he was going to bring me my belongings I left in his car. He said he would. But time has shown he hasn’t. I questioned our situation. I cried enough tears and asked for countless advice from everyone. And it all leads to the he will come back but not now. WHEN!?! The statement I asked myself over and over again. But honestly, it’s getting to the point where I don’t care anymore. I just want my belongings back. Part of me still wants to hold on and fight for us. But that's the same part of me that has me on anxiety pills. After two weeks of any situation with any guy, I can shake it of. But with “This One” I can’t. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I went to Houston for the weekend to see my bestfriend. We had our moment where we cried together. Needless to say she is going to be okay. And our friendship is going to be okay. During the weekend I thought it was going to be time for me to get over some things and get my head together. But it wasn’t and even though I had fun and missed my first flight back home, it wasn’t till today where I had a direct mind of what I needed to do. At first I wasn’t ready to come back to Chicago and then suddenly, I got anxious to come back home. To my space where I could sort out my thoughts and have a peace of mind. As of this moment that's what I need in my life; peace of mind, clarity, and sense of direction. It’s funny around this time every year I always get blessed with something big. Whether is a promotion, something pertaining to this blog, or relationships. I always had a win around this time. And now it seems as if I lost a sense of direction. After waking up this morning and deciding not to go “Bat shit” crazy on “This One”, was a sign telling me to take more control over my life. Have self control and even if I did decided to go “Bat Shit” crazy what would that solve than showing him that I am crazy? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I wrote my top 5 goals down that I want to accomplish before this year is up. I taped it to the wall to remind myself everyday. This is something I did when I was ready to move from TC to the bar. I worked at it and everything fell in place. I keep trying to remind myself everyday that this position i'm in life right now is just temporary. And that I have overcame so much more difficult hardships than this. No matter what, I gotta keep moving. It hurts with “This One” and I know I have to be a little more patient. But see I got us tickets for this concert as his sweetest day gift. So I think that’s the thing that's holding back from moving on. I will give him until Sunday to contact me. If he doesn’t, I will sell the tickets and fully move on with my life. I still want to make the changes to my drinking habit even if he doesn’t hit me up. Not sure how I feel but I know I have shit to accomplish and my aggressive energy wants to win. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.
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“I Said: Don't embarrass me instead of Be mine. That was my proposal for us to go steady”
-Part of Jay-z Lyrics It’s like this, I’m an aggressive woman. I want what I want because I was also taught be that person to go after and get it. I’m aggressive with my career, my motivation for myself and even when it comes to love, I’m aggressive. I woke up at 5am crying not due to an anxiety attack but what happened Sunday night. And honestly after that, I really don’t wanna date anymore. What happened Sunday just might be the reason why you shouldn’t date me. This is may be my last blog post for a while. I think it’s time for to do some deep soul searching and focus on myself. But then I really don’t know. I’m just speaking my mind. Hopefully after this post, I can have more of a clearer thought. It was pose to be a day of fun day drinking that suddenly turned left. I told “This One” in the midst of us having sex that I love him. I said it more than once. I was “Lit” and honestly it slipped out. He stopped. I told him I was sorry but still he put his clothes on and proceeded to leave. I started crying. I started expressing myself. Telling him how I wish I would have kept to myself. How I let go of “DJ” for him. How I let my guard down with him. How no matter how many times I wanted to have sex with someone else, I didn’t; I couldn’t. It sucks. It hurts. Not because he didn’t say he love me back because in all honesty I don’t think I really feel that way. Only because he blocked me afterwards and didn’t say anything before leaving or while I was crying. He just left. I was in the moment and I was drunk. But you know what people even when we were in the car, I said somethings I shouldn’t have. I brought up situations with girls on social media. I constantly asked him about the chick in Belize. I told him sometimes I don’t know how to feel about us. I confused him, and I know I did. And in the end, we never really talked about having a serious relationship. I was aggressive. I liked what we had and wanted more and pushed for it. I woke up at 3am still crying. I called him but it was too late. He blocked me on everything. So all communication is officially cut off. It sucks because I left my jacket and a pair of heels in his car. I want to say fuck them both and just buy something new. He told my cousin he will drop it off to me, but I’m unsure if I’m ready to see him yet. A part of me wants to hold on and well that aggressive side of me is telling me not to. To only Wipe my tears away and move on. But damn people, I’m tired of saying that. It’s funny because before I left out the house last Friday, I prayed about us. I asked for a sign for “This One” and myself. To either show he is the one or not. I guess this situation was my sign. I keep thinking about my past situation-ships and how things didn’t play out. But no matter what they always came back. And majority of them came back as good friends. “This One” was different. He wasn’t in the entertainment industry, he was just a regular guy. I felt comfortable around him. I liked the fact that it was more than just sex. It was about the vibe we had. I remember telling him Saturday how I want him to be more emotional and talk about his feelings with me. I could tell he isn’t that type of person. But I hoped just as he asked for me let my guard down and stop being so defensive that he will too let down his emotional guard. After two whole months we were still on the fence about each other. So why the hell did I think this was going to work out anyway. This one hurts. It hurts more than “Him” and “DJ”. It hurts more than “My Love” and “Bigg”. It's the exact hurt I felt when “My Ex” and I broke up officially and I moved out. My emotions and feelings are all over the place.I first want to say I’m sorry for doubting you as a man. I’m sorry for not trusting your words when you were telling me there is no one else. I apologize on asking about the women on your instagram page. I should’ve known better not to do that. I’m sorry for making you feel as if I was controlling in any way. I’m sorry if you felt as if I pressured you something you wasn’t ready for. I’m sorry for breaking down like that in front of you. I’m sorry for letting my guard down for you. I’m sorry for thinking you could ever like an aggressive woman like myself. Moreover I’m sorry for being myself around you. Just like my last situationship, I’m leaving it all on this blog. This is it between “This One” and myself. I have to pick myself up because I’m that aggressive woman and move on. If it’s meant to be, he will come back. But then again do I want a man like that to come back? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Never ask a man questions concerning cheating unless you are prepared with a plan to follow after”...
-My Mom It’s like this, with “This One” I want to believe everything he says when it comes to other women, but he doesn’t give me any actual reassurance. For example, he went to Belize over the weekend with his male friends. I was told it was a “Bro's Trip”. But after our facetime conversation revealing two other females was there with them and how one fell asleep in his bed got me feeling a certain way. He stated, “Nothing happened between us. She didn’t give me a sign that she wanted to fuck. Besides it's too many diseases going on out here in the world for me just to be fucking on anyone”. But then I thought to myself, “If she did give you a sign would you have fucked?”. Is that pose to a way of reassuring me that he wouldn’t mess around on me? Besides after our one conversation about the first two girls he was seeing before me and how blankly he told me if he was to do fuck another girl, I would know. At this point I don’t know how to feel about “This One”. I thought my feelings were intact but even after our mini feud over him telling me I’m controlling. And us both admitting how we are unsure we are about this situation-ship for very different reasons. I thought I could I put that conversation to rest after our date and make up sex before he left to Belize. I thought I had let my guard down with “This One”. But something tells me to put it back up. Is it too late though? Have I fallen so deep for him that I am this confused. I wish his reassurance with us would be a little more clearer. Am I over thinking this entire thing? I keep looking back at the text message I sent him, telling him I’m not giving up on us. We aren’t going anywhere. And him replying saying, “T, I like you and all but I don’t feel as strong as you do”. See the irony in this all the more reasons why not to date her. In my career life, I’m slowly starting to miss the corporate lifestyle. I miss the black and white rules even though sometimes I hated them. When I was at TC I was a manager and respected as a manager even when it wasn’t my shift to be manager. I had a superior that gave me tools I needed to advance in my career. Not saying I don’t have that now but it's a difference. I’m in control of my tools. There are sometimes when my GM does give me great advice, but at this point I want more. I understand I am a first level bar manager and things I am learning is nothing compared to everything I still have to learn. I just got comfortable closing down the bar and making sure all the cash and sales for that day lines up. I haven’t dealt with many customer issues and haven’t managed a shift where I have to be in 10 different spots all at once. The fact of the matter is this, in coporate you have a written out path plan that is given to you by your superior. At the bar you can have a path but you gotta make the plan yourself. I kicked down a bunch of doors for myself when I was in Corporate America. But why am I so scared to take risks and kick down doors in this new setting? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. My little sister is doing amazing in college. I just hope she doesn’t loose the the great fight of continuing. It’s 87 days left in this year. Thats 87 days to make my next couple of moves to kick down doors when it comes to this blog, my situation-ship, and my career. Lately, I have been told that I am too aggressive. So I toned it down. And in doing so, I think that’s when I started to question myself as a woman. My anxiety kicked in high gear. A facebook memory photo appeared of me I took with this photogether by the lake front. That woman in that photo was strong. That was this exact time last year when I changed my blog name to “Don’t Date Her”. That’s when I became so aggressive, that I went out and got another job to support my dreams. I was aggressive for a change for myself and my life. And as “Bigg” put it to this exact same date, “You are a boos ass woman”. The one thing that holds us back in life as humans is fear of change. I have never been the type to fear change, I always invited and rolled with the punches. That is what made me a much more successful aggressive woman. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Let me stop and think before I start to make impulsive decisions”….
-5am thoughts..... Just a lil intro back into writing for my viewers.. It’s like this. Once you start something you gotta keep going to see the end results. I must admit, having writers block is no fun. Especially when it's your outlet for everyday life. My anxiety has risen because of this. Sleepless nights of over dramatically thinking. And my choice of wanting to make impulsive decisions. I have times where I want to scream out loud because I can’t sleep or can’t turn my thoughts off. I first notice that I had an anxiety problem when I was moving to New York. It got worse last summer during my quarter life crisis. The anxiety attacks or known as “panic attacks” kicks after my third night of not sleeping. I take countless of cold showers and many times telling myself to take deep breathes. My panic attacks always happen when I’m alone in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Sometimes it hard for me to cope with the outside world after I have a panic attack. So I stay inside and sleep all day. For the past month, this has been me. I do a damn good job by covering it up. Telling people I’m tired from work. I refuse to tell myself that I’m depressed or going through depression because I know I’m not. I just have to figure somethings out in life first. People reading this may wonder, why am I sharing this. And honestly I thought about that while writing this. Because it’s my blog about my life and that would be rude of me to not share this. And I’m pretty sure it’s countless of other people going through the same thing. So maybe I should take a step back from drinking for a while, take a step from trying to pursue my relationship with “This One”. Take a step back and look my finances again. Take a step back and view politics and what’s truly going on this world. Take a step back and look at my career goals. Take a step and view life on a different pedestal that I have not been viewing it on. Anxiety makes you loose yourself for a minute. And you don’t have that mentality to rangler everything back into one, you will be lost forever. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Focus on what’s important to you...You will be amazed by the results”...
-Unknown Instagram User With football season finally here my main focus is learning how to be an effective bar manager, paying off debt, and working on marketing collateral for this blog. My time will become very stingy as I enter the life of working non-stop doubles whenever I can. Who knows might even get a part-time job for the holiday season. No more fuck ups with money for the rest of the year. It's time to really start saving and more investing into myself. I turn 27 next year and I plan to have a lot more stability in life by then. See the irony in this. All the more reasons why not to date her. When it came to time to cut everyone off for “This One”. I did, with no hesitation. Sex was great vibe is all there. And spending time with each other is never a question. I took him to this day party where I knew everyone including “Bigg” and “DJ” would be there. Luckily “DJ” was out of town at a show that weekend. But “Bigg” was there. While moving through the crowd to the bar, I stopped and gave “Bigg” a hug. But yet our chemistry got the best of us. He started kissing on my neck. Lucky enough a friend was behind me and someone how “This One” got caught in the mix of the crowd so he didn’t see it. Well i’m hoping he didn’t. After all he never mentioned it to me. That was the same exact day I posted a video of “This One” and I making out on snapchat. At that point I knew my phone was going to blow up. And it did. I didn’t care though. Why? Because he makes me happy. And when in a relationship happiness is all that counts. I can honestly say I’m feeling this “This One”. Like every millennial woman, I still have my doubts. So I asked him the other night during our Netflix and Chill time was he still talking to the same two woman before me. He said. “Yes”. I asked him was he going to have sex them with again. He said “Yes”. At that moment people the crazy tatiana wanted to come out in range. But she didn’t. I asked him how would he feel if I called “DJ” over tomorrow knowing that he use to have a key. He said, “you wouldn’t do that because you are mine”. People what have I gotten myself into? Is this a joke or some sort? Am I crazy right now? However, I did get a call from “Him” telling me he was at my apartment. He stayed the night. We cuddled but didn’t have sex. But I did feel kind of odd that I didn’t change my sheets. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I usually put any relationship drama energy into work. It helps me to not think about it all. But with situation between “This One” and the fact that mom called me not to apologize about what happened in Atlanta but to tell me to stop crying to my Aunt about it has me all frustrated. I literally want to be done with the world and go somewhere and hide. It's 1:30 and I have to be at the bar at 4pm. I haven’t talked to “This One” since yesterday at 5pm. Is he with another girl? He is okay? Why is not returning my phone calls? We have a date set up for tomorrow. All in all I really want him to tell me he was joking with me Friday and I am the only one. All this running through my mind brings up the same question I had with “Him” and “My Ex”; why am I not enough? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “There are poisons that will blind you and poisons that will open your eyes”...
-August Strindberg I haven't stopped to think about what will actually happen to my blog once I do find that someone I want to be be with, build with, and love. With “New Bae” going back to school, “Bigg” having his hands full with projects and “DJ” not even paying attention to me anymore. And let's not forget about “Him”, I don’t even wants to know where his mind is. So finally after fuck boy after fuck boy I finally decided to give “This one” a try. With “This One” it was an experiment. I wanted a guy to fall in love with my personality before we had sex. It’s crazy our personalities turn each other on. I don’t know how to feel about “This One”. I just know what I’m feeling is completely different than what I was feeling about any other guy mentioned. The mental thought of cutting off all the other guys mentioned and is just being with “This one” is weird. Not sure if i'm ready for this but then again am I? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Had a successful girls night last week. It’s good when all my female friends come together to network and exchange ideas. Building a brand takes time. But when you have a group of friends that actually becomes a part of your team, your brand expands, and what I mentioned about time doesn’t exist. I’m constantly thinking of new marketing strategies for my blog. Love our marketing campaign we came up with for the fall. I was kind of pissed to hear that “”My Ex” was starting a podcast about relationships. Funny I was going to do the exact same thing. In the end I don’t care. May the best podcast win homie. Besides you have to be very comfortable with the person you are deep down inside to fully confess anything concerning relationships. No I’m not throwing shade i'm speaking of a true metaphor of myself. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I don't know what to seriously think about “This one”. I did everything as a millennial woman would do. Stalk Instagram likes comments and friend list, googled his name, go through our mutual friend list on facebook. Nothing came up at all. But I did find out he ran cross country in high school and was very successful at it. As I look at the time while blogging this, I noticed his flight is about to land soon. I go through my closet to find the perfect lingerie set. I haven't gotten sexy for a guy since the last time “Bigg” And I had sex. That was the beginning of the summer. After 10 lingerie sets I found the perfect one. All black and for “This one” I might pull out the red bottoms. I'm nervous. And I wish my bestfriend was here to help me get ready. Trying the set on looking in the mirror thinking what my first words would be when I open my front door and he sees me in this. “Okay”, I tell myself. I have 2 hours to get ready. I need to eat, drink wine, take a bath, prep “her”, make up, and set the mood. I got this. No big deal. But damn! I wish I knew the flaw going in with “This One”. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Come dressed in your most stylish gear to celebrate ModEsteem launch party/fashion show! A new production company created to help fill the void of Chicago's lack of representation in the fashion industry! Let's show the world we are just as much of a trendsetter than New York & Cali!
Hosted by Solo the dweeb Styled by Markita Clark & Lorraine Brumfield Grab your tickets @ magazinephli.splashthat.com “I missed the karma that came as a consequence”.....Jay-z Family feud
Its one of those mornings where I woke up and asked myself are you ready for more? 2017 so far has been the year for me stepping outside my comfort zone to obtain life goals. When you start achieving your goals you think differently. Things start to change. Your circle starts to change. You actually sit at a different table. Achieving my goals makes me more hungry to achieve more goals. To be honest this whole management position is scary but like I keep saying you have to feel uncomfortable in order to grow. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. Haven’t heard from “New Bae” in a week. That was until the other day I asked him if he was still coming to the concert with me. But I then forgot I also asked “Him” as well when he popped up at my job. Now I was double booked. But I made the right choice in taking “New Bae”. We was turnt. The reason why I didn’t take “Him” was simply this. I get in my feelings every time I’m with “Him”. And at this point I really don’t know where we stand. We have too much history to just be friends and not have feelings involved. But then again we have too much history to let each other go. I woke up next to “New Bae” and realized he isn’t what I want either. Besides isn’t it awkward for me to have thoughts about “Pre Bae” while having sex with “New Bae”? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Side note the situation above was meant for a post last month”.... I stopped blogging for a while to focus on my direction with this blog. Yes what I write might seem interesting but it came to the point where I questioned why am I doing this? What is the purpose? Are my marketing materials adding value to my blog or degrading to my pockets? These are questions that need answers ASAP! I’m building a brand but what is the meaning to this brand? Lately communication has been my biggest problem. Not with guys or anything but with my family and close friends. I have learned when it comes to these types of relationships to sit back and let the problems resolve themselves. I say what I have to say, but family is family and no matter how much we argue and fight we will always be there for each other. I have been thinking about my best friend lately. Don’t like the fact how our words let us be on bad terms. But the text she sent me re-ensured our friendship. Hopefully things can go the exact same way with my mom, my little sister, and I.. Like I said family is family. But I have to learn when to walk away for a min. And that’s what I’m doing walking away. How can I learn how to build a family if I’m consistently having issues? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Everybody gon respect the shooter but the one in front of the gun lives matter”...Some random girl on facebook post
So I’m dropping the case. It’s not worth it and according to my lawyer this is one that I’m not going to win. So once again I put on my big girl hat and moved on with life. I’m letting that, be the past of me. In the future, I know exactly how to handle it, but hopefully there won’t be a next time. I received an email from my bar manager asking me to come in for this meeting. I was nervous, sweaty and wanted to throw up. Is this what I think it is? Is this the opportunity I have been working so hard for? And by 4pm I got the news! It’s all starting to be pay off now. I will be officially joining the bar management team. I am excited, nervous, and scared. But like I said before, we all have to be a little uncomfortable in order to grow. And what some people might call my “twisted ways” of leaving a corporate job and going after my dreams, I call a “diamond in the rough”. It never fails to amazes me. When my career is going well, my love life sucks. It’s all jungling act if you ask me. I am not interested in seeing anyone serious. So I got back on Tinder only to discover I really don’t want to waste my time with any new guy right now. I still have some guys in court besides “DJ” like “Bigg” and oh yea “New Bae”. And even though “New Bae” is only out here for the summer, I can get use to him coming over and keeping me company. I gave up the “Football player” and the “Special Kind of Guy”. They weren’t my type but the sex was good. The “Football Player” never has time for me. And the “Special Kind of Guy” reminds me of the “Other Guy” which reminds me of “My Ex”. So in that sense, I’m good. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I saw “Bigg” at the new store. I was drunk and barely remember being there. He gave me a hug and all my wetness came back at that moment. That’s what I do remember. I feel like everything is happening all at once and too fast: Me getting the promotion, new budget plan for this blog, interviews, my little sister going to Spelman, and me actually having somewhat of a branding manager. I really thought 2017 was going to be a rough year for me. But it’s not. It’s simply teaching me how to be an adult. Some situations I had to go through to learn from in order to grow from. Now look at me! Working on credit paying debit, trying to get my credit score back up. All this and plus the new budget plan for my blog. How can I be financially stable all over again? Thinking about all this, I had anxiety attack while on top of “New Bae”. I quickly got off and told him I need a minute. I ran into the bathroom and calmed myself down. I laid down next to him and told him I need ten minutes. He rubbed back as if he knew what was going on with me and gave me some water. 20 minutes later, I was back in action. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. “Damn sis, the only way to win now is to glow up on them”.... After that, I had to take a break from the world. I had to once again pull myself and the broken pieces of my life at that moment back together again. I knew I should have stop talking to him after my birthday. But instead, I didn’t. It’s funny when one thing in my family happens, it seems as if the bad touches all of us. I found myself back at the same state that I once was in with “My Ex”. Damn! Another one? Another fight over a worthless guy that I didn’t really care about. A guy that was number 6 on my list. You would’ve thought I would have this problem from “DJ” or “Bigg” not the “Other Guy”.
We all played our part when it came to this situation. I would have never expected the “Other Guy” to front on me like that. I would never expected her as a woman to be that type of woman and come to my job on that.. And me, this is part where I should have listened to my mom when saying everyone is not your friend. Some are just “fans” of your lifestyle and don’t care. Everything in my body still wants to call him a bitch over and over again. I will admit, I did overreact by posting some things that I should have never posted about him. He took me out my element at that time. I should have known better after all the shit I went through with “My Ex”. But instead, I didn’t. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. I went off the grid for a minute. I wanted to be left alone. After my little sister graduation, I had to put my life plans back in action. I don’t feel like dating anymore. Just when I thought I was putting the pieces back together, I saw “My Ex” at the club. Apparently he works there and apparently till bitter. So what happens next, I got put out the club. No biggie to me. The security tried to refund me my money back. I refused. Happy to know that I am still funding you somehow some way. I didn’t feel like writing. I didn’t write. Writers block was a thing for me for three whole weeks. But my stickers finally arrived. Then that’s when it hit me. After all the bullshit with these men, I’m still alive. Still have a job, still have a ton of people supporting my brand and rooting for me. I have a little sister that loves me because I go after what I want. I inspire my friends and coworkers to want more for themselves. So why shouldn’t I continue chasing my dreams?. It took me three days to write this post and it still feels incomplete. Maybe that’s the point. In the end, never allow anyone to control you or how you react. You control you. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her. |